MEMOIRS OF A STUPID GIRL

So, today is one of those days. I am feeling just a wee bit frustrated with my circumstances. Funny, I saw something today that would normally explain my outlook on life and that was; "It's not the people that have the best of everything but the people who make the best of everything that are the happiest people." However, I am not a very happy person right now. When I do not know what to do and I feel helpless I tend to have a negative and unhappy disposition. Yesterday was a first for me; I was denied medical services at my local hospital. The reason that I was given was that my Crohn's Disease is considered too complicated for them to help. I was told to seek treatment out of state at USA which is the University of Southern Alabama Hospital. I secretly suspect that another reason for politely asking me to FUCK OFF also has to do with the fact that I lost my medical insurance last year after I was terminated for being in the hospital. Yes, it was legal to fire me because they did not have to follow FMLA. Why am I BLOGGING about this? Because it's a subject that I tend to shy away from. I am not embarrassed about my condition I just don't think it does anyone any good complaining about something that you can't fix. But, what if there really is a way to fix it? What if by changing my diet, by undergoing another surgery, or testing out another new medication that will kill me before my Crohn's Disease will, what if there were a cure? Would any of this make my life easier, happier? Yeah, "What If's" don't do us much good either. I went scouring all over line to find other people like me. I watched them cry, scream and even shed comedy on the subject. What are we doing? I wish I could say I refuse to cry for one more single moment, that I refuse to watch my life pass me by, I refuse to feel weak and helpless. Oh, human emotions why do you control me? I tend to reflect a bit too much on my past. I see myself only two ways. I see myself before Crohn's and after Crohn's. Before Crohn's I loved life. I loved more easily, I believed that I could conquer the world, finish my education, be a spectacular mother and wife. I thought of myself also as a premier caregiver not to only my family and friends but to anyone that needed me. If you called me I was there. After Crohn's Disease is very different. Now, even if I make plans with anyone in the very distant future there is a 90% chance that I will not make it. I can't help care for my elderly parents, I can't participate in church, children's school functions, for the love of God I can't even go out to eat anymore. There is no sign of what I used to be only whom I have become. Maybe it's a lack of self esteem or just plain reality but I don't like me. I don't like "her" at all; in fact "she" makes me sick to my stomach, "she" is weak and has so readily made "herself" into a victim instead of a survivor. I want to go back to who I was. I understand that it's not healthy to reflect on things that you can't change but I feel that if I could just reach even a small portion of "her" then I have a chance at regaining my life back. So, I believe soul searching and agonizing brooding is in order. Keep your hearts open. Best of luck and love. ~ Stacy

So, here I am. I am just a shadow of who I used to be. I no longer feel like a separate person but am consumed by the many roles that I must play. Parent, child, friend, sister, wife; these are the labels that I have been branded with and I am sure there are a few that I have missed but am not too eager to analyze today. I have lost sight of what I could and should have been. Not only have I lost sight but I just don’t think I care anymore. I have come to a cross roads in my life. Do I keep trying to be everything that everyone wants? I could just say to hell with it, right? Unfortunately; I just can’t do that. I have created a false life for myself. I have been trying to protect myself from so much hurt; physically and emotionally. I just don’t feel anything at all anymore. I do not feel love, anger, sadness, rejection, empathy, sympathy. Everything is gone and this is all that is left. I have only myself to blame for this. No one is going to save me. No one will ever save me.

~ Stacy