MEMOIRS OF A STUPID GIRL

I can't write so I'm listening to music.

2011-12-05T16:59:00.000-08:00

Update

2011-05-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

I just realized today that it has been a really long time since I’ve posted a new blog. So, without further ado let me fill you in on the last few months in Stacy’s World.
My third child; Madeline Hope Reed was born on April 7, 2011. Madeline was an unexpected surprise but my family and I are very happy that she’s here. Brayden Wesley Reed turned a year old on April 19, 2011. Brayden is more than a hand full but he’s our hand full.

My little novel is still unpublished and may remain that way for a while. I have not found the energy, time nor patience to keep working on Memoirs of a Stupid Girl. However, the book is still in the works I have not given up completely, I will keep you updated.

It is with much joy that I announce to you that the writing bug has afflicted my 10 year old daughter; Lauren Faith Preston and she is now going up for an interview to write for the school newspaper. She really is so much like her mom it’s not funny. With that being the case I have nothing to worry about. She will prefer music over friends, books over boys, and a writing pen over a joint. I am so happy. Now, if I can just convince her to be a Communications Major and think about Boston University then I am set!

I have lost contact with my mother and father and this saddens me but it is for the safety and sanity for everyone involved that we cease contact. Some relationships are toxic, no matter how much you may love someone especially a parent in some cases it is best to forgive, forget and move on then to keep teasing the lion so to speak. I do pray for my mother everyday no one will ever take the place of my mom; “I love you, Mom.”

I have great news to share. I may be going back into corrections. I applied for Harrison County and I am hoping to hear from the Major soon. Wish me luck.

I will have more to write later, Perry just got home from the Golf Course and Bray is due to wake up from his nap soon.

God Bless Everyone.

Stacy

Drinks Anyone?

2010-09-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

I happen to be an amateur connoisseur of not only wine but also iced tea. After my last visit to a California PF Changs; I gathered up the courage to ask who made their tea and where I could get it. At present they serve a Blackberry Ginger Tea but at the time of my last visit they served a Passion Fruit Iced Tea.

China Mist was the maker of all of PF Changs Tea but they are no longer their suppliers. However, we are very lucky indeed and we can buy it for ourselves!

Check out this website!

http://www.chinamist.com/

Also, if you happen to be searching for a delicious wine for the after dinner party; may I suggest a light and refreshing Chenin Blanc from Messina Hoff. http://www.messinahof.com/ This is much better than other Texas wines and it is under $10.00.….

OR…..

If you have extra cash and you want to spoil or even make your guests envious may I suggest a bottle from the prestigious Napa Valley? Cakebread Cellars offers a lovely Sauvignon Blanc. http://www.cakebread.com/ It may be $25.00 a bottle but it is well worth it. It’s still cheaper than there Chardonnay which is priced at $37.00 but in my opinion if you prefer a lighter white over a dry than the Sauvignon Blanc is your girl.

Remember…. If you are going to cook with a wine make sure it is something that you would drink too, if not than your food will take on the taste of a wine that you would not drink.

Happy drinking!

I have drink recipes from when I used to tend bar. I promise to post up some soon along with my own recipes. :)

Do you remember?

2010-09-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the restaurant that you used to find on every college town corner? It was filled with smoke, frat boys and chicken wings. When I lived in North Richland Hills, Texas I had a favorite restaurant down the road and on the corner by the name of Bennigan's. Contrary to what everyone believes you can still find some franchise locations just not any close to you. Sorry.

On any given Tuesday night after a long day at work all I really wanted was a tall glass of unsweetened iced tea with a perfectly shaped lemon wedge perched on my glass, a fresh crisp garden salad and a big bowl of hot steaming baked potato soup. Now that I live in Mississippi it is hard to find any restaurant that serves my favorite bowl of soup, I haven't even found a single soul out here that has even had the pleasure of this Irish classic.

Without further ado I present to you.......

BAKED POTATO SOUP

12 slices bacon
2/3 cup margarine
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
7 cups milk
4 large baked potatoes, peeled and cubed
4 green onions, chopped
1 1/4 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
1 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground black pepper

Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium heat until browned. Drain, crumble, and set aside.

In a stock pot or Dutch oven, melt the margarine over medium heat. Whisk in flour until smooth. Gradually stir in milk, whisking constantly until thickened. Stir in potatoes and onions. Bring to a boil, stirring frequently.

Reduce heat, and simmer 10 minutes. Mix in bacon, cheese, sour cream, salt, and pepper. Continue cooking, stirring frequently, until cheese is melted.

Happy eating!

Easy Meatloaf Recipe W/ Montreal Potatoes

2010-09-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

2 lb Ground Beef
1 Egg
1 Large White Onion Chopped
1 Cup of Milk
1 Cup Smashed Saltine Crackers
Salt, Pepper and Garlic to taste
1 Cup of Ketchup

Preheat oven to 350
In a large bowl bring ground beef, egg, onion, milk, crackers, seasonings for taste and ketchup together. Work together with very clean and dry hands. Place meatloaf mixture together in a 5x9 slightly greased pan. Bake for 1 hour and 20 minutes. At ten minutes before the meatloaf is to come out drizzle to top of the loaf with Ketchup, as much as you desire. Let the ketchup bake in for at least ten minutes to brown and form the right consistency.

Montreal Potatoes (YUMMY, YUMMY)
6 Large Potatoes Diced or cubed
1/2 cup to 1 cup of melted butter
1/4 cup to 1/2 cup of Montreal seasoning

Preheat oven to 375. In a large baking dish add diced potatoes. make sure that the potatoes do not overlap each other too much. You want the potatoes to cook evenly and having a whole bunch of potatoes on top of each other will cause the potatoes not to brown evenly. Add melted butter to dish, cover the bottom of the dish evenly. The bottom of the pan needs to be coated very well in the dish but too much butter will cause mushy potatoes. Next, cover the top of the potatoes with Montreal seasoning. It depends on how much spice you want but remember that a little bit of Montreal goes a long way. So, I would sprinkle the whole top moderately with the seasoning. Bake for 45 minutes or until the potatoes look nice and roasted and almost all of the butter has been cooked out. The perfect Montreal Potato is buttery, spicy crispy on the outside and fluffy on the inside! ENJOY!

I serve vegetables with every meal. Personally I would serve this up with Brussels Sprouts or Asparagus and White Hominy or Corn. There are wonderful recipes for vegetables but that is another posting.

Happy Eating!

Is America helping people that deserve it? I don't think so.

2010-09-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

I found this as a News Feed on my Aunt Donna's facebook.

Dear Mr. President:
During my shift in the Emergency Room last night, I had the pleasure of evaluating a patient whose smile revealed an expensive shiny gold tooth, whose body was adorned with a wide assortment of elaborate and costly tattoos, who wore a very expensive brand of tennis shoes and who chatted on a new cellular telephone equipped with a popular R&B ringtone.

While glancing over her patient chart, I happened to notice that her payer status was listed as "Medicaid"! During my examination of her, the patient informed me that she smokes more than one pack of cigarettes every day, eats only at fast-food take-outs, and somehow still has money to buy pretzels and beer. And, you and our Congress expect me to pay for this woman's health care? I contend that our nation's "health care crisis" is not the result of a shortage of quality hospitals, doctors or nurses. Rather, it is the result of a "crisis of culture" a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one's self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance. It is a culture based in the irresponsible credo that "I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me". Once you fix this "culture crisis" that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you'll be amazed at how quickly our nation's health care difficulties will disappear.

Respectfully,
ROGER STARNER JONES, MD
If you agree...pass it on.See More
By: Richard Meckstroth

Here is my comment to this letter.

I don't know if any of you know this but when I had to have intestine removed and I was very ill, I had to have surgery to save my life. Of course, I was 22 years old at the time and worked for 6.75 an hour at Fat Dog Beverage Company and ...was trying my best to make it on my own. It was not easy and it was even harder when my ex-husband decided to finish college right around the same time. Anyway, before my ADD kicks in; I had no health insurance and was turned down for Medicaid because I made 6.75 an hour and drove a 1986 Volvo. I was told to sell my car, give up my little 20 year old trailer home, move in with my parents and then file for Medicaid. Okay, I was not asking for Medicaid "FOREVER" I just really needed help with this one surgery so I could keep living. Do you understand, I just wanted to live. I was a young mother, who worked her ass off, I had holes in my shoes and I even went to work when I should have been on bed rest. What pisses me off is that the government could have helped me; I was not a mooch, I was not unwilling to help myself, I just wanted to have surgery to stay alive. Well, thank you, America. I got lucky and the surgeon did the surgery out of human kindness and I am alive to tell you about it. Medicaid and the government only helps those who refuse to help themselves and the "little people" end up dying at home without a shred of dignity. I believe people should be helped that need it, not those that take it for granted.

Southern cooking with an Asian flair

2010-09-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

Smothered Pork Chops and Cabbage

¼ cup cooking oil
5 to 6 pork chops
2 medium heads of cabbage cut up
2 cups of water
Pepper to taste
¼ cup of soy sauce

Brown the pork chops in oil in a large pot. Add cabbage salt and pepper, garlic and soy sauce to taste. Continue cooking until cabbage wilts. Stir, add butter and ½ cup of water. Cover tightly, reduce heat, and steam until water is absorbed and then add remaining water. Cover tightly again and simmer approximately 10 minutes. Serve cabbage and pork over bed of white rice, sprinkle with La Choy Chow Mein noodles and a few dashes of Kikkoman soy sauce, salt and pepper to taste and ENJOY!

I want to be a cook! I do, I really do!

2010-09-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

So, I want to cook and I want to learn how to cook everything. Asian, Czech, German, Thai, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Seafood, EVERYTHING! So, with out further ado; I will start posting some of my favorite recipes that I myself have cooked and love. I ask you to please STOP buying fast food and give cooking a try. I promise to not post anything that is not Stacy proof. If you are not sure what I mean then read my husbands BLOG "Daily Blah Blah". Put down your ketchup packets and back away from the burger and fries. Pick up fresh ingredients and start enjoying yourself in the kitchen. Don't be afraid!

The study of sociopathy and how it can save your life

2010-09-07T18:53:00.000-07:00

The face of a sociopath is a charming face but deadly evil at another glance. There was a book that I read not too long ago and not only did it change the way I perceived ordinary people but even changed my mindset about old friends and even family members.
I could remember innocence before I read the book and now I name every single one of my exes and say without a doubt that not only were they sociopaths but that I may have had “SUCKER” written on my forehead for the future Mr. wrongs that were to come into my life. I have written a whole book about Mr. wrongs and how to fight back. Please, check out my book, Memoirs of a Stupid Girl.
Polite society has now been warned by the likes of these beautiful, deadly people. No longer will we fall prey to their traps! Ha, we now fight back! One day with permission I will tell you what occurred between my husband and I when he stepped over the lines. Unfortunately, I was taught by sociopaths. The best in the business. Thank God, he still loves me.
Okay, no more joking. On a serious note, has anyone been following the news lately? This guy takes the cake. Joran Van Der Sloot is a Dutchman but resided in the utopia paradise that is Aruba since early childhood. I don’t know all the details but I believe that his father may or may not be a diplomat, not sure on that fact.
At any case, he and he alone no matter what the little worm says is responsible for the disappearance of an Alabama teenager, Natalee Holloway. I for one believe that she is passed on and Mr. Van Der Sloot is to blame although he gave authorities the fucking run around and never fully admitted to it. He got away with taking her life and I blame the Aruba police for not doing their jobs. Natalee was visiting Aruba with her girlfriends when she took a detour with Mr. Van Der Sloot after this fact is where it becomes difficult. Only Joran knows the truth and he refuses to tell the real story. Seriously, if you want all the facts I suggest you Google his name and do a little bit of your own research.
The point is this, Joran was a good kid at a first glance. He came from a good family attended a good school, had many friends and even a long term girlfriend at one time. No one in their right mind would have ever accused him of being a cold blooded killer.
This is where the story gets interesting. Joran leaves Aruba and travels to Peru and guess what he does in Peru? You got it. He killed another young beautiful woman. Why? What’s the point? Because people, he is a sociopath. He has no conscience and has no sign of any human emotion. He simply fakes it. He fakes sadness, he fakes guilt and he fakes anything he must fake in order to get what he wants.
Joran is not the first nor will he be the last. I implore you, educate yourself. Joran is the most dangerous of a sociopath but lesser degrees do exist and blend into society very well. They are small time scam artists, co-workers, local politician, physician, your son, your daughter, your mother, your sister. Be prepared to walk away from these people and not be caught in their web.
God Bless you all. Forgive my mouth I am simply trying to make a point and I am very angry that this kid was given a chance to kill after Natalee. God Bless all the family’s involved even Joran’s family. I feel so bad for Joran’s mother. I can’t imagine the shock of finding out that a child that you raised is a ruthless monster. Sleep well tonight my pretties!
Please, check out the following links. Copy and paste the links into your web browser. :)

http://books.google.com/books?id=EJLSnbvDD9sC&dq=the+sociopath+next+door&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=qO6GTJW_J8m88gb1zbHPDg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6&sqi=2&ved=0CD8Q6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q&f=false

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joran_van_der_Sloot

GOLD DUST

2010-03-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

sights and sounds pull me back down another year - i was here i was here - whipping past the reflecting pool me and you, skipping school. And we make it up as we go along - we make it up we
go along. You said - you raced from langley - pulling me underneath a cherry blossom canopy. Do i have- of course i have, beneath my raincoat, i have your photographs.
And the sun on your face i'm freezing that frame and somewhere alfie cries and says "enjoy his every smile You can see in the dark through the eyes of laura mars" .

How did it go so fast you'll say as we are looking back and then we'll understand we held gold dust
in our hands

Sights and sounds pull me back down another year i was here - i was here. Gaslights glow in the street (flickering past) twilight held us in her palm as we walked along and we make it up as we go along - we make it up as we go along letting names hang in the air what color hair (auburn crimson)
autumn knowingly stared and the day that she came i'm freezing that frame i'm freezing that frame
And somewhere alfie smiles and says "enjoy her every cry you can see in the dark through the eyes
of laura mars" .

How did it go so fast you'll say as we are looking back and then we'll understand we held gold dust
in our hands - in our hands

Sometimes you're nothing but meat (BLOOD ROSES)

2010-03-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

Blood roses
Blood roses
Back on the street now
Blood roses
Blood roses
Back on the street now
Can't forget the things you never said
On days like these starts me thinking
When chickens get a taste of your meat girl
Chickens get a taste of your meat yes

You gave him you blood
And your warm little diamond
He likes killing you after you're dead
You think I'm a queer
I think you're a queer
Said I think you're a queer
I think you're a queer
I shaved every place where you been boy
I said I shaved every place where you been yes

God knows I know
I've thrown away those graces
God knows I've thrown away
Those graces
God knows I know
I've thrown away those graces

The Belle of New Orleans tried to show me
Once how to tango
Wrapped around you feet
Wrapped around like good little roses

Blood Roses
Blood Roses
Back on the street now
Blood Roses
Blood Roses
Back on the street now
Now, Now
Now you've cut out the flute
From the throat of the loon
At least when you cry now
He can't even hear you
When chickens get a taste of your meat girl
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
When he sucks you deep
Sometimes you're nothing but meat

Sometimes a song just makes it all better! :)

2010-03-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

Maybe I didn't like to hear
But I still can't believe
Speed Racer is dead
So then I thought I'd make some plans
But fire thought
She'd really rather be water instead

And Peggy got a message for me
From Jesus
And I've heard every word
That you have said

And I know I have been
Driven like the snow

But
This is cooling
Faster than I can
This is cooling
Faster than I...

But do I hate what she is
Or do I want to be her?
And don't we love something fresh
Anything new; virgin

Woman, you got too many brambles
Hiding under these bushes
Woman, you got too many brambles
But I always liked a good storm and
Always good for a storm

So then love walked up to like
And said I know that you don't like me much
Let's go for a ride
This ocean is wrapped around that pineapple tree

And is your place in heaven worth giving up
These kisses
These, yes
These kisses

And Peggy got a message for me
From Jesus
And I've heard every word
That you have said

And I know I have been
Driven like the snow

But
This is cooling
Faster than I can
Hey, yes
Faster than I can
Cooling
Hey...
This is cooling
This is cooling

Memoirs of a Stupid American Girl

2009-06-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

INTRODUCTION

I know that I am only an ordinary girl, but I have something to say.
I promise not to lie, I promise to let everything out right now, and right here. I am a product of the people and experiences surrounding my life. I’m not an important person compared to some nor am I particularly interesting. I am really no one to the people who do not know me. I am average in too many ways. The people that have been in my life are greatly important. It is at this very moment that I understand the connection with friends and enemies alike that creates a past, present and future. It is the relationships that I have with these people that mold the existence of my being. This is my personal ode to them, the wicked, the angelic, the cowardly, the brave, and the rest that lies in between. These people are locked in my brain and play in my own personal play from time to time. I have apathy, and respect for all of them. Would it seem strange to loathe and love someone at the Same time? But that is the way it is, I can’t help it. I can’t explain it either. I believe that if it wasn’t for a certain time, a certain place or a certain person that I would be different. Now These people that have been in my life do not necessarily make me a better person or smarter, or any closer to perfection but I could not be the same without any of them and maybe that frightens me a bit. I can’t imagine being anyone else but me. Then I start to think that I want to be the person that I was ten years ago, this has nothing to do with vanity this has to do with a mindset. We all have this mindset in our youth. Children fear nothing; they stop to apologize for no one. As children we were allowed to be and to say what we feel, and nothing could ever hold us back. The world was limitless, expectations boundless and trust was never a concern.
Our parents even helped us to buy into this make-pretend scheme by saying that we could do or be whatever we wanted. In some cases that may very well be true, but not every one has that life. There will always be the ones that remain left behind to watch everyone else go by. We all know what we want, we may not know how to get what we want but in our youth there is still the hope that it can happen. As we become older we lose our imagination of what could come to be, and we watch all of what we had wanted for so long fall away from us and hope becomes lost.
You know this and I am sure of it, but if we take away all that was or will be corrupt in our lives we will never know true joy. We will never know when something or someone truly unique is standing before us because how would we know the difference? You must know sadness to appreciate bliss and pain to understand comfort.
I want to tell you a story about truths and deceptions and while I am doing that I hope to immortalize the ones that I have come to know, it is the least I can do for them after all that they have done for me. I am not sure how I am perceived in another persons mind nor do I know their version to this epic; I do know that everyone has their own memory of how something has happened. I will only tell you how I remember it.

Chapter One: Pandemonium

2009-06-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

My father and his father before him and his father before him and so on and so on were all named Rudolph Bert Sedlaczek. I am my fathers’ only natural child and therefore I stopped the Rudolph chain the day I was born. I was a girl, to the disappointment of my father, and ruined a tenth generation Czech tradition. It was my mothers’ daughter, Katarina that named me Renee Elise Sedlaczek, because mother and father had never thought of a girl’s name, I was to be a boy and my name had already been decided. I’m a girl, surprise everyone! To make up for the fact that I was a girl I acted out in various ways, I did not want to be a pain in the ass but I couldn’t think of any other way to get my father’s attention. Many times I would beg to go on the famous fishing trips that consisted of all of my boy cousins
and uncles, I would never be able to go, instead I would sit in my room and rip the heads off of my Barbie Dolls and hide the heads under my bed. Life in the Sedlaczek house was always dangerous. Chaos would not be enough to describe it. Father was angry, he would deny this and say that everything couldn’t have been better but again this is my version not my father’s. For many years dad suffered with alcohol. He would drink alone and on many nights in the den you could find him playing records and drinking. If you listened long enough by the door you could hear him sing, which is something that he did quite well. His dream was to be a musician but, his life had been more than unfair to him and he was not able to accomplish this. Dad was severely abused as a child. At one point in his life his father
beat him so bad that he was hospitalized for three months. Whenever his other brothers or sisters would misbehave in the household he would be the one that was beaten because he was the oldest male and it was his job to make sure that they behaved.
Father would tell me at least twice a day how much he loved me. I never felt it though. I am sure it must have been hard for him to show love or compassion when he was never shown any himself. He could have told me a million times a day that he loved me but no words could ever make up for the fact that he took his frustrations out on all of us. He was a bully in the house. If he said jump you jumped and then say, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” He commanded respect and love and he did not have to give anything back to any of us. The fact that there was food in the house and clothes on your back was enough in his mind to show that he loved you. Now, I’m not saying that these things are not important but don’t most good parents provide these things anyway? I wanted more than that. I wasn’t sure what I was searching for. Maybe I never will. Maybe what I wanted was to really feel love or any other emotion except hatred and anger. Being afraid of a parent is the worst way to live.
I remember the day that I truly feared my dad. The day I watched him kill mine and
Katarina’s dog was when the link between father and daughter was severed for years . I loved Freeway. His name was Freeway because we found him on the outskirts of LBJ Freeway in down town Dallas. Freeway had been hit by cars and was lying bleeding on the side of the road. I remember father pulling over to the side of the road and barely avoided being hit himself and lovingly picking Freeway up and placing him in the bed of the truck and racing off to the veterinarian’s office. Father had him treated, vaccinated, gave him a warm home and plenty of food to eat. The only bad thing is that Freeway wanted nothing to do with a warm home and food.
Freeway wished to be the tramp that he was and would run away as often as he could. On several occasions Daddy would get nasty calls from neighbors about his roaming and would even have to leave work to come and find him. Father would have to chase him down in the neighborhood and then tie him up in the yard. He only tied him up as a form of punishment and it never went any further than that. Dad would walk away and leave him tied to the old pecan tree, Katarina and I would wait until Daddy was gone before we would untie him from the tree. But, oh, how I wish I could forget the day that he got out and Daddy refused to let it be. It would be the last time that Freeway would roam the streets as the free spirit he was. There was no tolerance for disobedience in the household not even the family dog had a chance of surviving.
One afternoon Dad was called at work to come and get Freeway out of one of our
neighbors’ yard. Father lost his job in a result of too many absences due to Freeway getting loose. Katarina and I heard yelling and howling coming from the back yard. She I ran to the kitchen window to see what dad was screaming about. That is where we saw father holding Freeway’s face down in a bucket of water in the backyard. He would bring him back up every few seconds to punch him in his snout and then shove him back under. We watched, horrified unable to do anything. If we had interrupted or asked him to stop, it would have only been worse. Katarina cried and held on to my hand. We watched our father kill our dog. After he drowned Freeway, we ran to the other side of the house and hid in my bedroom closet. I could hear Katrina crying behind the clothes hanging emotionless very much like how I was feeling. I wanted to cry at that moment but I couldn’t. I was still unsure what had just happened. My father just killed my dog and all I wanted to do was to hurt my dad. Yes, I was angry. He loved Freeway, or so I thought. It makes no since to me why he would hurt something that he Loved. At dinner that night father told us that the dog had been hit by a car and that he passed away. Katarina and I knew the truth. When we tried to tell mother she said that we were liars and to never say such horrible things about our dad. It was never brought
up again.
Everyone claims to have a terrible childhood, right? I believe that may be true. I neveronce cut myself to show how miserable I was; I never even attempted to hold something sharp to my heart. I gorged my body on food and television. If I could eat from the time I got home after school until the time I went to bed I could feel my stomach was full and aching, at least the pain in my stomach would take my mind off of the screaming and slapping noises that seemed to echo through the small hallways and creep into my little pink walled hell. Hey, there were no hugs or words of encouragement in my house but there was always food and the food became a source of not only nourishment but also my friend and confidant.
My sister Katarina was naturally loved by anyone that met her. Katarina was beautiful, intelligent, and all of her friends looked up to her. I guess in some way I did too. But, I also feared her. I never wanted to make her angry; everything was fine as long as the insults and the blows were coming. It was when she would be nice to me is when I became more afraid. She had a way of pretending to be nice, which is when I would trust her, maybe tell her something that I shouldn’t, this would always backfire on me, and she would use my words against me. Most of the time I tried to run as far as my fat little legs would carry me or just try hiding from Katarina but she would catch or find me nine times out of ten. Sometimes it would be best to just let her dominate me and beat me. It would be over as soon as she wore herself out. I got good at blocking her fists where it would really hurt, my face, my stomach and my vagina.
During the summer months her cruelty would rear its nasty head. It was harder during the hot days, there was no school and unfortunately there were no parental guardians either. Mom would work longer shifts and dad would be who knows where. I wanted so much to stay with my grandmother but she had to work too, so it was my sister and I all alone in the house together. I would cry and beg my mother to take me with her I would plead with her; “I will just sit in the car and read“, I would say. She would ask me why I would want to do that, and I would see Katarina glaring at me behind mother’s back. “Never mind”, I would say. She would wake me in the morning by kicking me repeatedly with her boots or hitting me with various objects packed tightly in a pillowcase. I would just have to lie there on my side holding myself until the pain went away. If I would have tried to fight her or move she would have just pinned me down and it would have been a much worse beating. I tried to lock the door at night before falling asleep but she always managed to get the door open. She did not beat me every morning, on some mornings she would just throw ice water in my face. She would wake me up only to take her frustrations out on me. Sometimes, she just wanted me out of the house so that she could rule her wicked kingdom alone. And like all sisters we played games together or rather Katarina played games on me. Sister’s favorite game was the quiet game. Katarina would tie my hands and feet behind me or for you cowboys and cowgirls out there it is also referred to as hogtying. Katarina would then place duck tape over my mouth so she wouldn’t have to pay any attention to me, she also said it was a way of stopping my eating all summer long. Now, I paint Katarina as a vicious girl who never had my best interest at heart, good, now you understand her. However, this does not imply that I don’t love her or that we never connected or empathized with one another because we did love each other and we knew exactly where the other sister was coming from. If Katarina is reading this than she knows that I love her dearly but she also knows the need for telling the truth.
On summer days that she would let me outside I would fill up my little wading pool
and play with my bath toys in the back yard. This was her opportunity to lock the doors and keep me outside for nearly 8 hours in the Texas sun. I would beg and ask her to let me in; she would close the blinds so that I couldn’t see in the windows. Of course before mother got home Katarina would let me in. I remember standing in the kitchen crying one afternoon, I was so sore and sunburned that the bathing suit had literally stuck to my skin; I had to peel it off. Katarina thinking that this was the most hilarious thing she had ever seen decided to rub cooking oil all over my naked sun burned body. She said that the cooking oil would take away the burning. I had blisters all over my body for weeks after this. If I dared say anything to mother it would have been worse, Katarina would have seen to making my life even harder than it already was. I could never explain the black eyes, rope burns, bloody noses or the goose eggs to my mother. She would demand that I tell her who was hurting me and I would simply say that I fell coming up the stairs on the back porch. I always wondered if she did know and didn’t want to punish Katarina or was it that she couldn’t believe that one of her own children could be
so evil. I never knew how much she really despised me until the day that I had
started to choke on my lunch. She was sitting at the kitchen table with me, having lunch herself. I had taken a bite of my overcooked microwave pizza; I was in a hurry to get back outside to get away from her that I was eating as fast as I could. This was my own fault. The food became lodged in my throat. I was unable to breathe; I fell to my knees on the floor. I remember being light headed and starting to lose consciousness. Lucky for me, and miraculously I was able to cough everything up. When I was sitting on the floor and starting to breathe once again and staring at that disgusting gnarled pepperoni slop which almost claimed my pathetic little life, she said to me, “Too bad you didn’t die.” She looked right at me; her eyes were so cold, I was more afraid of her than of
choking to death on my lunch.
When Katarina and I became older she would apologize to me. She told me that I had
invaded her territory and, that mother only needed one child but still that was no excuse she said for hurting me all those times. Honestly I do not see it this way. I think or I believe that because father would use Katarina many times as a punching bag she wanted to take it out on me being that I was “his” child. Katarina left home in January 1991, I was 11 years old that year. She had gotten pregnant and moved out on her own with Stephanie my niece. Stephanie’s father had been murdered that same year. Supposedly he was sleeping with a woman whose husband was in the pen. When her husband was released from prison, he went straight to his wife’s house and found Jacob fast asleep in his bed. Jacob’s neck was cut ear to ear. They say Jacob never even woke up. When Katarina found out about this, it did not faze her in the least. She wasn’t sad or felt loss in any way, for God’s sake I wanted to say at least feel something for your daughter, she just lost her father. No, she was only worried about how she would get money from Social Security for herself, she had never worked nor will she ever work a single day in her life. Katarina is all about instant self gratification. Never get in her way, she will
chew you up and devour you. Communication between my sister and I ceased to exist
after she left. For years I would only see her on holidays. Stephanie on the other hand I saw all the time. I was Stephanie’s babysitter after all. Instead of Katarina physically harming me she decided to make me her daughter’s part time mommy thus taking away all my free time. Mother said it was my duty to watch Stephanie because Stephanie would look up to me. Whatever, she didn’t want to watch her either.
Honestly though I loved being with Stephanie. I treated Stephanie with love and care something that Katarina could just not do. Katarina is incapable of love at least for other people, she loved herself very much.
Brenda Kay Sedlaczek is my mother. I love her whole heartedly. I have no real complaints. We are all human and we are all going to fail ourselves and our loved ones at least a few times. She was truly a great mother. She helped me win many battles in my child hood. When she saw that I had an eating disorder she helped me. Although, she was a few years too late, but still she caught it as soon as she had the time. She gave away much of herself after she saw that she could not leave me to my own devices. She had even enrolled me in dance classes. Can you imagine a fat ballerina? That was me the first fat ballerina.
Mother was a true workaholic. It’s not really that she loved to work, no, she hated her job. The reason why she worked so many hours in hot stinking factories was to make sure that bills were paid and enough money left over to give things to Katarina and I that she never had. Mother is the best thing that ever happened to dad. Dad would agree with me on this fact.
She was nurturing to all of us. With dad she showed utter fucking patience and humility. When dad broke down after my uncle killed himself she was there. When he decided to stop drinking she helped him. She forgave him for his infidelity and his inability to hold a steady job and the fact that he was an abusive fuck for so many years, this doesn’t paint a nice picture for dad but mother loved him, which is why she stayed. Who was there to help my mom? She never confided in anyone, dad was not really her husband or her friend he was merely there to share a bed with when he was home; he could have been just another child in her eyes for all I know, just another defenseless creature for her to care for. I can recollect many things about my mother and father together but the one thing that sticks out in my mind is how they always managed to pull together when things were the most miserable.
The Christmas of 1991 my mother and father lost a place to live. We had been staying with my father’s mother but an argument forced them to leave the house and take me with them. My grandmother refused to let me go and sleep in the car with them, but it was not her decision to make it was mine and my parents. We drove and sat underneath a lit Christmas tree in a shopping mall. I was watching intensely as the lights flickered to different colors and fell upon the windshield of the car. It was eerie in a way to be seeing such a beautiful sign of Christmas festivity at that precise moment. Mother and father had to tell me that there would be no Christmas that year, which it didn’t really bother me all that much neither did it surprise me. I understood, even at that age I truly understood about finances and responsibilities. I was not angry or bitter about this, this is just the way things are, and there is no way to change it. I dropped my eyes to the floor board to find a blanket. It was dreadfully cold that night. As I lay down in the back seat of the car I peered in to the front seat to see that instead of the two fighting they held hands and cried together. It’s moments like that, that inspire me. I wish I had that kind of strength. To cry is strength in my opinion. I never once showed my tears in front of them. Well, not at that time even though I had a lot to cry for. Unlike other children my age I did not worry about who liked who at school or the next test. I wondered when I would take my next shower and when I would be able to wash my clothes. I really had nothing to look forward to, but yet I was hopeful and comforted by the thought that things may get better. Still I never cried in front of mother or father if they had seen me cry at that point in time it would have made them feel worse, I think. The only thing that I can compare it to is by pretending that you still believe in Santa Clause even though you have known the truth for years it is only to keep your parents happy, so, that they do not feel
that they have grown old or that you are uncontrollably growing up or that they could no longer fool you with presents from Santa clause that were always made out to you in mother’s handwriting. There is no since in disappointing the people that you love the most. It’s mean and just not worth it. You can do much more good by hurting yourself in the long run, and think about what you had done to contribute to the path that you are now walking on.
My mother believes in keeping herself distant. She never had any stories about her
childhood. I never met her parents; they had both died at an early age. She had mentioned this fact to me only once and how the two of them had met their demise at the bottom of a bottle. Therefore, I never truly understood her or what had happened in her life. To this day I still don't know who my mother is. But, it was on one night that I lashed out at her that I discovered a few of her secrets. We had vacated out of the car a couple of weeks after we lost a place to live. My dad had found work in a really bad part of Dallas, he was doing maintenance work at all hours of the night in an apartment complex. The only bonus to all of his efforts was a free apartment to live in. It was a small one bedroom, roach infested apartment and the three of us shared the tight quarters together, our pallets even lined up together in the only bedroom. Even though it was much bigger than the Delta 88, I still found myself stifled. I wanted out; I had taken enough of it. I had no bed,
no radio, no television and no phone. I had no possessions for myself, I had no way to escape my reality, and the harsh truth was that I was poor, trash left over to be discarded. The children at my school had noticed this and never once failed to remind me. At one point in my life I had everything that I needed.
It was my dad's recreational life that put us here. So, why am I being punished for his mistakes? That's when I told my mother that I hated her, that she was an awful human being for letting me grow up in such a filthy and degrading way, and in my mind she was no better than my father. I wished that she would just leave, die or let me live with my grandmother. Her eyes were not wet from tears when she came at me from around the kitchen counter, I inched away from her but she came at me full speed with the intensity of Gail force winds. The pan that she had been washing at the sink fell with a loud ting on the floor at the same time my mother's hand hit me with a scorpion sting. The noise echoed in my ear and made me tighten my eyes and hold my face in my hands. Mother grabbed me by my throat and slammed me down on the bare naked floor. She sat on top of me, digging her knees into my chest and pushing all the air out of my lungs. All that I could see were her eyes, the black soul abandoned eyes, peering out at me. The smell of decaying teeth and nicotine oozing from her open mouth forced me to want to turn away from her but she had her grip on me. There was no way I could turn loose; not now. For the first time in my life I was really afraid of her I had never made her angry before, I wasn't sure what she was going to do to me, it was this moment and this moment only that mother reminded me of Katarina and all the torture I had endured from her over the years. I wanted to spit in her face, I wanted to hurt her. She spoke slowly but never loosening her shaking hands wrapped tightly like a snake around my throat. "You listen to me and you listen good. I didn't have a mama and daddy, they didn't want me, and all they cared about was booze. I couldn't even fall asleep in my bed at night afraid that some drunk man was going to rape me as soon as I fell asleep. I was on my own by the time I was your age. No one gave a fuck about me." She banged my head down on the floor and rose to stand above me, looking down at me as a predator would fixate on its prey, she had won this one and she was mocking my loss of merit. I felt my head start to swim and the lights blurring in my eyes as I tried to stand. I began moving toward the bathroom, my only sanctuary. "You should count your blessings little girl
because I do care about you, I will be damned if I will let you go and live with that grandmother of yours. You be thankful for what you have." She is still yelling at me as I stumbled to the door. I fell down upon my knees and crawled in the bathtub. As I climb in I eye the rusty razor perched on top of the white Ivory soap. It was the soap that I was eyeing more than the razor. Soap can clean even the most contaminated of bodies, and how awkward it looked compared to the dirty, dingy tub. I wanted to tell mother that it didn't matter anymore, I was no longer effected by her guilt trips and that I could care less about her. This was about me. ME, NOT HER! I had thoughts of drifting down in the tub and never returning. Death had to be better than this. Then again I could pretend like I was Peter Pan, if I slash my wrists right here and right now I could leave to exist in my own fantasy world, I would never grow up, and I would be away from here forever, except my never land wouldn't be anything like Peter's it would be closer to purgatory because if mother taught me anything she taught me that killing myself was a mortal sin. Are we all doomed? How do you feel with the knowledge that we really are a product of our parents? God, would I have the same limitations, the same experiences when I reach adulthood? Is this really what being an adult is all about? I can't say I blame mother for lashing out at me. I felt bad but maybe this is what she wants me to feel, if this is the case than I refuse to feel anything anymore.
To mom Katarina and I were her real accomplishments in life. Is that enough, can
children really be enough to fill any voids? Mom had children for three reasons, to have a meaning to her life, to feel needed, and also for the first time to be loved unconditionally. These are all the reasons to not have children. You have children to add something to the world, not necessarily a part of yourself, that is a little vain don’t you think. No, we have children to add something positive to the world. However, it is always the unworthy people that breed and that is why we are in the state that we are in. Mom had the right idea though she wanted nothing more than to see her children excel in all the ways she had not. She was not sure how to accomplish this, but she tried her best. Mom needed proof that her own flesh and blood could do the things that she was not able to do; this would be her way of doing it herself. She never made it seem that she was living
vicariously through us, but I am sure that that’s what it was. All of what I am telling you is important. You now understand the influences in my early life. I do have some good memories. I just wish I could think of them right now. So now you understand all of what is grand and the dysfunctions that are involved. I
want to start you off in the year 1992. 1992 was a very strange year for me. It is when I finally realized that I was my own person separate from my parents. It was the beginning for me of being a “real” person and not just a series of reactions to actions. In all its entirety, the banging in my brain begins, let’s start now.

Chapter Two: Kde Domov muj? Where is my home?

2009-06-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

The fall of 1992; I was twelve years old and just learning about myself, the world, and surviving. With my sister gone and my parents working all the time or busy having a mid life crisis, I was left alone on many nights. Really I was always alone. Dad kept falling off of the drinking wagon and my mother was working more hours than usual even picking up a second job at nights and on the weekends. I was not abandoned, hardly, I had what I needed but connection with my parents is what I lacked, something I will always lack but I never once doubted that they loved me even though we were all fucked up in the head. So, you see, I made my own decisions, I cooked my own meals, and I sat alone many nights just reading by the old dusty lamp that sat beside the old broken down couch that was handed down from my grandmother. Reading and music became a true passion of mine. You can either read to escape your own world or you can listen to music to hear that someone else sympathizes with your crap life. At that point in time I was reading Christina Rossetti, and listening to Pearl Jam like every other kid in America. Mother and father came home early one night together to my surprise. They had taken me to see a movie that night and took me out to dinner. I could tell they were in a good mood, but obviously they were holding something back. I could tell that they both needed to say something and that treating me to a night out was their way of preparing me for it. “Renee we have something to tell you.” I looked over at mom. I was sitting in the middle of the cab of the truck in between mother and father. Oh God, what was it going to be this time? It couldn’t be money issues, they just took me out. Mother pursed her lips and it almost turned into a smile. “What is it?” I turned off the radio to give her my full attention. “Well, it’s good news and bad news.” She threw her cigarette butt out of the window and rolled the window back up; her smoke flew back into my eyes and they burned making it hard to keep eye contact with her. “Will you just spit it out already?” I rubbed my eyes. “Well, we’re moving, again.” Like this really surprised me. We had only been here a year at the most. “Okay, is that the good news or the bad news, mom?” “No, that’s the bad news. The good news is that your dad and I got a new job making a lot more money. That means we can get ahead again.” “Where are you taking me now, mom?” I leaned back against the seat and folded my arms. Dad said nothing during mine and mom’s conversation he kept tapping repeatedly on the steering wheel sighing
occasionally. He wanted to say something I am sure but probably vowed to my mom he
would keep his mouth shut. “We’re moving to Hurst.” “A wha…., where the hell is
that?” “Watch your mouth”, my dad yelled. “Hurst, well, it’s in Fort Worth.” Mom
dropped her tone and jumped slightly at dad’s voice. “You’re moving me to Fort Worth? Why? What’s there?” “That’s where our new job is.” I really didn’t want to hear anymore of this. It’s always the same, we move over and over. I have been to fourteen different elementary schools. It’s hard to keep up, faces start to look the same, you start to think that everyone is alike, most of the time I am right
too. It’s all one big fucking blur in my mind. I dropped my head as I always do and only nodded in agreement, but my mind is elsewhere. I pretend to listen, we all just pretend to listen when what is being said you can’t control. My life is in their hands, if I could I would give myself order, routine, and stability. Maybe mother and father enjoy this lifestyle? No, I doubt that. When you are brought up poor you just learn to accept these things. They did understand how hard it was for me. Not only was I an awkward child and shy but it didn’t help matters when all we did was move around. I would never be able to make or keep friends at this rate, and that was important to me. Mother said that the new job was for a storage company and that we would be able to live on site. We would actually live at the storage company? She gave me all the bullshit reasons why it would be so great. She said that we would be able to spend more time together and that there would be no more late nights. So mother and father had stopped fighting for once in their life and decided to make a truce. They both anticipated the new job in Hurst. They would receive a free apartment plus they had been offered a bigger salary. Even though this sounded like a great opportunity for the both of them I found this strange for how could we live at a business? I was twelve and had no real opinion in their minds so I went along with it. Who the hell knows maybe this would turn out to be the best thing for them? However, being the pre-adolescent that I was I wanted to fight them every chance I got.
I was told to start packing after the first six weeks of sixth grade. Even though I had no one to say goodbye to at school or in the apartment complex, I would miss living there. I had enjoyed the last summer sitting at the pool and reading until it was too dark to see the pages of my book. I did have some fond memories there. Yes, I would miss it, but maybe what I was really missing was another chance of having a place to call home. I did not have much to pack that night. I had a mattress on the floor a few posters, clothes, books, one little stuffed animal that my grandfather had given me just before he passed away and an alarm clock radio. I boxed all of my stuff up with boxes from the corner liquor store. Dad helped me carry the boxes down to his old Smurf blue Chevy truck. I sat in between mom and dad in the truck and played with the radio during the long drive from White Rock Lake to Hurst Texas. When we arrived I could see a huge three story construction site sitting right next door to my new home. My new home was a small yellow two story building that was enclosed with gates all around it. Mom held up a small black “clicker” the gate opened and Dad drove through, we drove around a long storage building with several symmetrical square orange doors and turned left, we drove up to the side of the small yellow house. It was DARK out side;
mom opened up the door and slid out on her side. I walked around and started grabbing my things. “What do you think”, dad asked. “It’s kind of cool, I said” I lied. I was horrified. What had my parents been thinking? This was not a real home. Dad opened the door and I walked inside. The place was bigger than I thought; it was much bigger than the apartment we were living in. I walked up the stairs and saw a huge loft area; Mom had sat up a chair and table on the loft which was right across from a little room with two big windows on either side. Street lamps were shining through the windows. I sat down in the middle of my room and watched mom and dad carry the rest of my things up for me.
“We will wait to enroll you in school. Maybe you can start the day after tomorrow”,
mom said. “Alright, that will give me time to unpack.” She smiled and walked out of my room and down the stairs. I guess she was going to start on the kitchen. I looked around the room; dad had just finished bringing up my mattress. I looked around to find a clean sheet to put on the mattress but settled for a clean blanket instead because I was tired and
did not feel like rummaging through all the boxes. I turned off the lights, turned on the radio and closed my eyes.
I heard my mom and dad talking loudly downstairs, they were not fighting but it wasn’t rational tones either. Fuck. I tried to sleep but insomnia started at a young age for me. I lay awake; for many hours, the house became quiet at some point and from my window in my room you could hear and see the shadows of the cars pass down Highway 10. I believe I counted 50 of them before I fell asleep.
It was around nine or so in the morning when I awoke. I could smell dad’s famous
breakfast cooking. The man was not really a good cook, but he made the best breakfast even better than mom’s, he would garnish my breakfast plate with fresh fruit and make smiley faces on my pancakes. He was trying at this point to make up for all the bad he had caused in all of our lives. Sometimes the thought of this just pissed me off, why didn’t he try sooner, but then I think that I must admire someone for at least trying even though it was too late to make it up to me.
I walked downstairs and dad asked if I was hungry. He was always asking me that. I had started to thin out at this time in my life and he must have been worried that I was starving myself. I wasn’t starving myself. I had just learned to eat when it was necessary. “Sure, dad”, I said. He walked back into the kitchen and made my breakfast. I sat down at the table and could see that dad had bought a paper. He had already separated the comic strips for me, just as I was about to start on “Peanuts”, dad walked out with a huge plate. I almost wanted to laugh. The man had made a plate big enough for three grown
men. There were eggs, bacon, toast, oatmeal, fruit, a large glass of orange juice and milk. I smiled, and he sat down next to me and started to eat. It was quite uncommon to see dad up this early, last year I had to drag his ass out of bed just to take me to school. So, it was a nice surprise. Dad didn’t say much and as soon as he sat down and finished his meal he was out the door to start work. I sat there awhile looking at the eggs, stirring the oatmeal with my over sized spoon. I decided against eating and settled down in the living room to watch TV. I heard mother in the other room which was her office, the office and the house was separated by a door, I could hear her talking on the phone and shuffling papers. It was almost like having my mother and father working from home but without
the benefit of walking in to their office at anytime, you never knew when a customer could have been in there. I sat down and started to watch some awful talk show. I decided to skip it all together and go soak in the bath. The day went by uneventful; I finished my room, hung my clothes and prepared myself for the next day. I wondered what these kids would be like. Not that it really mattered, I could not get too attached because who knew when we would move again, it could be a year or it could be a few months. I went to sleep that night easier than the night before. It always becomes easier to sleep in a new house the longer you are there. It takes time to adjust to the noises and creaks that a home has.
“Good Morning,” mom shouted. “Another day, another dollar,” she said. I always hated that fucking phrase, no one should be this happy in the morning.
I got out of my mattress and went to scrub my teeth for ten minutes, a ritual that I still perform today. I rinsed my mouth, put on clean clothes from the closet and settled down to a bowl of cereal.
Mom was on the phone talking and asking about the school and where it was located. She walked out of the office and closed the door behind her. She grabbed her keys and said, “Let’s go, let’s go.” I shoved one more bite of cold wet cereal in my mouth which spilled down the front of my new pink dress shirt. I rushed behind her getting in the Smurf truck. We drove for what may have been half an hour and we stopped at Hurst Junior High School. We walked in and I almost tripped, the floor was made entirely of rocks, yes, the whole floor was some kind or weird rock tile. I followed behind mom to the registrar office. “I need to enroll my daughter”, mom said smiling. The lady behind the desk pulled her glasses down with her finger and stared at me, “What grade is she in?” asked the lady. “Sixth.” “Well, she will not come here until next year, this is for seventh, eighth and ninth graders. But, I can help you find out where she needs to be.” The lady asked our address and then opened up a map. “Yes, she will go to Hurst Hills Elementary.” She told mom how to get there and then she smiled at me. “We will see you next year.” It’s funny I had been standing there with my mother and the “too nice” office worker and this is the one and only time that she looked at me to even acknowledge my existence. I nodded but I was thinking that I would never step foot in this school again. We would move before that would happen.
Mom and I drove in silence to my new school. She had just started telling me shit like; if I turn on the radio it wastes more gas. It was pathetic all the crap she told me over the years.
Mom and I walked towards the new school and she even helped me with my bag. Mom spoke with the lady’s at the desk and had me registered and then she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and handed me some lunch money. Yeah, here I go again.
I was directed to the sixth grade hall and I nervously found my new room and my new fellow class mates. They all looked the same, except for one girl with short black hair and glasses. She sits in the back of the room reading A Separate Peace, which was one of my favorites from last school year. Maybe it will not be so bad. My new teacher was a very striking older woman, you could tell that she took care of herself; she was very kind to me when I walked into her class room. She didn’t make me announce my name in front of everyone and say something about myself. Most teachers did this, I believe as a form of punishment for being poor white trash that was always on the move. I had arrived during an hour mandatory reading session. I had not brought my poetry books with me and so Mrs. Stewart asked me to get a book off of her library shelf next to her desk. No offence but most of the books that she had were not what I would read or I had already read them years ago. I opted for a short novel for now; I could bring my own books tomorrow. I found a book by Ernest Hemingway, The old man and the sea. I had never read anything by him before but I always heard him praised by many of my favorite authors. Honestly, it bored me to tears and I wondered what all the hype was about? Before I knew it lunch time had arrived and after that the day was done, hours turned to days and days into months, no one ever spoke to me. Even the little girl with the glasses and the short black hair, Elizabeth was her name, I had tried talking to her once but she kept her sentences short and kept her nose in her books. No one would speak with me. I had come too late in the year for anyone to warm up to me.
For months I would sit alone outside hovering inside my well worn red jacket, while the other sixth grade kids, four classes all together, played. The children were running, screaming, throwing things at each other while I sat and witnessed their closeness and friendships.
My sister had married a yuppie that year. It was strange to see her with someone so square. It just didn’t seem right. I believe she won a beer drinking contest at one time. So, to see her married to a college grad was strange to say the lest. She had not finished high school, and because of the large doses of drugs that she had done over the years she had started to seem ditzy, unintelligible. Now, this new man in her life, Jordan did not marry her for her looks, although he may possibly have but she was pregnant once again. This will be her second child all before she is twenty years old. In more ways than one Katarina was getting exactly what she deserved and that’s what pissed her off. She called my mother begging her to take custody of this child after it was born but my mother refused. We were already keeping Stephanie three to four times a week for her.
On December 16 1992, two days after my thirteenth birthday and one day after my father’s forty-third birthday my sister Katarina gave birth to a little girl. She was so disappointed about having another child that she didn’t even want to give her a name; it was Jordan’s mother who named her Anna. She was a beautiful little girl. My mother and father were very proud of Anna. I was a little excited about having another niece but I knew in my heart and mind that it would just mean more lost weekends to be at Katarina’s beck and call for her children.
My mother had brought home pictures of Anna and Katarina taken at the hospital. Stephanie and I had stayed at home while Katarina was in labor. I remember looking at the picture of my sister. She was dressed in a dark green gown and holding Anna while feeding her from a very small bottle, there was no smile on my sisters’ face. In fact to tell you the truth she looked very sad and miserable. For the first time ever I felt really bad for her. With that being said she should have thought about what she was doing before trapping someone into marriage just to get out of her own situation. Happiness can not be found by deceiving and manipulating people for your own gain.
I had hoped that things would change at school but they didn’t. I had taken another interest that year. My grandmother had bought me a small camera. I had started to take pictures and occupying my time, trying not to think about how lonely I was.
Christmas was interesting that year. I was hoping and anticipating like other kids to get as much stuff as possible. During my time off from school, I watched the Christmas tree and every night more presents would appear under the tree. They were not all for me they were also for Stephanie and Anna. Mother and father were having the happiest holiday I had ever seen. My father bought my mother a diamond wedding set a few weeks before Christmas. He gave it to her one night as she was sitting by the television crocheting Christmas stockings. He even got down on his knee when he handed it to her. He said that he loved her very much. Why did it have to take so long for them to get to this point? I wished there would have been happier times like this when I was younger. Both of them were blissfully happy and I was happy for them. It was nice for once to not be around the hitting and the screaming. Life was so close to perfection. So very close.
On Christmas morning I woke up to the sound of Christmas music and the smell of dads pancakes. I climbed out of my mattress and ran down the stairs.
Mom was preparing for Christmas dinner. Katarina, Jordan and the children would be joining us later.
Mother looked up from the table. She was peeling potatoes and her apron was covered in food. “Rudy, she’s alive!” This was my mother’s attempt at comedy. “Oh is she really?” Dad came from out of the kitchen to peek at me. “Do you want breakfast first?” I laughed holding on to the back of the dining room chair. “No.” I ran into the living area to sit down in front of the tree. The presents that were mine were all pulled forward. There were so many. I wasn’t sure where to start and I wasn’t quite sure how to thank them. Mom was sitting on the couch now facing me. Dad was standing in the entry way. He was excited as I was. I am sure that they were making up for last year. Truth, it wasn’t the presents that made me happy at that moment. No, I am not that shallow. My mother and father were together with me. We were in a true since a family. This is what made me happy.
“Open the big one,” dad yelled. I stood up to reach the big package that was standing up on end. The box had to be at least four feet tall. I ripped off the paper and tore into the box. Inside the box were a new television and a VCR. “Oh, my! Thank you, thank you so much.” Mom and dad were smiling at me. I tore through all of the packages that were remaining. I got a CD player that year. It was my first CD player. I had a gift certificate for a music store to buy some new CD’S. I also got many new clothes. I didn’t know what to say? Just last year at this time I was huddled inside a Delta 88 watching a strip mall Christmas tree. Now I was here with my mother and father in a warm home, we had food to eat, smiles on our faces, and I couldn’t have been more at peace with the world.
Mother and father had surpassed what I had expected of them. I wasn’t sure if I even really deserved so much. I hug both my mother and father. Dad helped me hook up my new TV and radio in my room. Dad stopped after he was done and looked around my room. I always kept my room clean so I was wondering what he was looking at? “What’s the matter, dad?” “Nothing really. I was just thinking.” “Okay, thinking about what?” “You need new furniture up here.” “It’s fine really, dad.” He half smiled and turned away, I watched from my room as he walked down the stairs. They had done so much for me and I was more than grateful but dad was still thinking that he needed to do more. I wished I could have told him then, that it was okay. I forgive you. (I forgive you.) Think about this sentence just for a minute. Does this mean that saying this sentence that you were wrong and that they were right, or that it was alright to do what ever they had done to wrong you? No, it means that we are all fucking human and that we will let each other down sometimes. Saying that you forgive someone means that you want to move forward and not keep holding on to something that will not change no matter how much you want it to. Parents do not know everything and they are not always right. But, if we could have only talked about it openly sooner rather than later and quit the bullshitting and charades we could have went so far. All the while in my life that things are happening to me. I am taking a picture in my mind. I am learning, understanding and appreciating the frailty of our existence. Just because I am calling everyone out on their own downfalls does not mean that I do not carry the same burden of being a fuck up. The whole point that I am trying to get to is I didn’t need presents for mom and dad to show that they loved me, what I wanted, no wait, what I needed was for them to just be there to talk to. I needed my support group so to speak.
Katarina and her family joined us later that night. I stayed downstairs long enough for some pumpkin pie and then left to retreat to my room before Katarina turned to ask any favors of me.
It started to snow that night, I bundled up in my new pajamas and I opened the blinds to watch the perfect white flecks only to fall on the dirty ground. I could make out from my window the railroad tracks behind the property and beyond that the trees standing naked and bare under the black night sky.
I could only replay the day in my mind. I wanted to say something. At least I thought I had something to say to my parents.
Unfortunately like many families nothing is ever said. We just keep going. How funny? You could say that most of life is just learning how to keep going, pushing and shoving the words and thoughts down into the pit of your stomach. Nothing is ever said and nothing is ever really made right.
To answer the question, where is my home? My home is not a tangible thing. Home is not where I lay my head and dreams at night. Home is a piece of us that we carry around. You make your own home how you want it. If you want your home to be desperate and unbearable then it all starts with your mind set. Change your mind, change your thought process and your own personal home will follow.
My home is doing okay at this point, but there is always something lacking, something that could be missing from the whole picture. I could not know at that point what it was. I am sure that I will find out. I will have to keep going.

Chapter Three: Nichole

2009-06-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

It is now spring time. The Jasmine is starting to bloom. People are starting to come out of hiding now that the cold days are gone. Changes of tone are no longer a boisterous yell
but rather a calming hush.
Even I had settled myself. I have become calm and accepted the belief that this is the way it has always been and the way things will always be. I will grow up and I will move away, but still nothing will change. I will always be alone.
The changing of a season is such a miraculous thing though; it is something that most of us take for granted. Spring is the rebirth of the earth. In all of us there is a rebirth, a rebirth of the mind and the soul. This cycle never stops just like the cycles of the earth. Change is never ending and even the bad changes are important.
I have heard old men talk about their knees hurting just before a big storm. I was about to have a storm myself, I could feel it in the pit of my gut.
That spring many things happened to me, not all of them good. I had chosen to understand the fact that we all need another human being to connect with. I didn’t expect anything, really. I trust that we all come into our own self at a different rate. I was not quite there but I was almost there, but time was running out for me. I had become depressed and angry.
I had too many nights and weekends sitting alone by myself. I would lock myself away; I had even removed myself from my parents. They were still at peace with one another and I could not ruin that time for them. But, I needed a change. I wanted to share my pain with someone else.
But, what is a friendship really? How does a friendship begin? I wonder if we choose the ones that we become friends with or was it all planned before. Does a higher power decide who we are going to admire and respect? I will try not to get into my theory of preordained destiny. There are too many people out there that would argue this thought with me. I am only saying that a plan makes sense, otherwise we are just running around with no true purpose. This idea makes me wonder what the fuck is it all for then if we are not put on this earth to learn from other people, people that will impact our life and put us on the right path?
I was sitting during recess like many other days I watched and listened but never joined the other children. I was in one of my books pretending that I didn’t notice or care. It is better to hide your true self; no one can destroy or belittle you that way.
“Hi.” I looked up and to my surprise someone had sat down beside me. I closed my book and turned to her. She was sitting with her legs crossed and throwing her long blonde hair over her shoulder. “Hello.” At first I was not sure if she was talking to me and I had to peer around to make sure. I could see her eyes staring right at me. They were piercing blue; I had never seen eyes as blue as hers. “Do you want to talk”, she asked me. “Yeah, hi, I’m Renee.” I dropped my hand in front of her. Was this the right thing to do? This was not a business meeting nor was it a formal environment. Being that I had never been close to someone my own age, I wasn’t sure how to introduce myself. She grabbed my hand; she held it for a few seconds and then let it go. She shifted her legs and moved closer to me. I moved away a bit and placed my hands in my lap. She was now almost yelling to be overheard due to the people around us. “Hey, Renee, I’m Nichole, are you new?” I did not hesitate I was always new. “Yes, I transferred here right after the first six weeks. Are you new?” “No. I lived here before and then my family and I moved to Amarillo for a year and now we’re back home.” “Oh” I said. The bell rang and she was off. As I stood to get in line with the other children she turned back to me to wave and smile. I smiled back and nodded my head in her direction.
Nichole and I had nothing in common. Her parents were educated, they lived in a nice home, and she was loved and pampered. She had the childhood that most would dream about. You know the kind. She has a pool table, air hockey table, a swimming pool, all in her house. She could never want or need for anything. Her clothing came from the best stores not from Wal Mart like mine were. I did not fit in and she knew that. I thought that maybe she pitied me. Maybe I was a cruel experiment to her. Did she have some game in mind, or a trick to be played on me? At this point I wasn’t sure if I could trust her. Just maybe we did have something in common though. We were the kids that no one else would speak to.
Nichole says that when she left for that year and lived in Amarillo she wanted nothing more than to be back in Hurst. After all she was born and raised in Hurst. When she returned to the same house and the same school that next year things changed, no one would even acknowledge that she was back.
It had to be devastating for her. I mean, I never had friends, so it was never much of a problem for me to be an outcast. For Nichole she was used to being center of attention and having people around her and then it stopped. She had had relationships with these kids; it had to be hard to sit back and watch them, and know that you are deliberately being ignored not just overlooked like I was.
Every day we sat together at recess, we would have sat at lunch together as well but we were not allowed. The individual 6th grade classes had to sit together and she was not in the same classroom as I was. We became inseparable; we spent a lot of time together outside of school. Nichole was my first real friend. I told her everything. She would listen to me and for the first time someone else agreed that my life was more than fucked up. She lived only a five minute walk from my house and we would meet everyday. Most evenings after school, I would change into shorts and a T shirt and I would walk to her house, we would play basketball or we would walk down by the creek and throw rocks.
Nichole knew that I had a crush on a guy in my class and Anthony lived across the street from Nichole, but we never saw him or his little brother outside when we were playing. There was one time that Anthony walked out his front door and started to walk across the street to say something to Nichole and I but his mother opened the door and started screaming, in her screeching parrot British accent, “Anthony, Anthony, get away from them girls.” He turned red and walked away. I felt bad for him; his mother was almost as bad as my dad. I never understood why his mother had an issue with us. I am guessing now, but I would have to say that it had something to do with her hating American girls. That was alright, I felt like I had been born on the wrong continent anyway. I never cared much for anything American, I preferred The Cure to Elvis, Fish to hamburgers, poetry to comic books and theater to television. I would have done anything to know him, to really know him, to embrace his culture and his friendship. Unfortunately this is not that kind of story. I never saw him again after our 6th grade year.
Mom and dad for the first time had money to go out to eat and to buy clothing and nice things for themselves. They were happy and I was happy for them. My mother does not seem to understand but I hated to see her dressed in rags and I have decent clothes, it really did not seem fair. I wanted my parents to take pride in their life it made me feel better about myself. I never cared much about appearance, personally. I was starting to notice things though. I would watch what the other girls were wearing. I so much wanted to be like the pretty girls. I had always thought that that was reserved only for Katarina. Even if I could I would never compete with my sister. I was not ugly I just looked homely. I had great hygiene that was not the problem. Being Czech means that you are going to have EYEBROWS. Not just any kind of eyebrows but the kind that try to take over your face. I would sit after school staring in the mirror ripping hairs out above my eyes. It was bloody painful, but when I was done you could see my eyes. I liked the way I looked. I had big blue eyes, long eyelashes, small nose, and a small mouth. I still carried some weight in my face but I was steadily losing weight everyday from the long walks that I would take with Nichole. My teeth are brilliantly white and straight. It was the hair that was the problem. My hair was very dark; it also looked as if I had fried it from all of the washing and blow-drying. My skin is ivory white and with the dark black hair I was starting to look mismatched. It was my father’s dark hair that I had, he has a dark complexion coming from a Czech Jewish background, but I carried my mother’s translucent white skin which looks great on her with her light red hair. But I looked mismatched with my bright white skin and dark black hair. One day I will have to change the color to match who I am.
So, as the year progressed so did my appearance. I started dressing differently; I liked to experiment with colors and fabrics. I never really wanted to look like everyone else; I wanted to take what everyone else had and expand on it. In a way you could say I was doing my best to find out who I was separate from Nichole and my family. Nichole always laughed at my clothing. She called me a ‘freak”, which at that time to me was a term of endearment. To be a “freak” was to be creative, but a little dark at times. I would spend an hour on my hair every morning I could never quite get it to do anything other than hang down in my face, long, dark and straight.
As the spring passed and the summer drew closer, I started to anticipate Junior High School. Nichole and I sit in my room after school. We were playing with hair, clothes and make up; like other girls our ages we really had no idea what we were doing.
“Hey, do you think we will have a boyfriend next year”, I asked Nichole. “Maybe”, Nichole said. “I would like to meet a ninth grader next year.” “Why”, asked Nichole? She dropped her mascara brush on my floor and began to clean up the black splotchy goo. “I don’t know”, I said “Hmm”, she said. The phone rang and I reached over Nichole to grab it. It was Nichole’s mother and she asked Nichole to come home, it was dinner time. “I got to go”, she said. “I will see you later then?” I got up behind her and opened my bedroom door. She started to walk down my stairs and she slipped out the side door and out the gate. I started to set the dinner table for mother.
Mom and dad were always big on dinner time. Mother cooks great southern meals which usually come with a lot of fried food. My stomach hurt a lot lately and so I started to pick at my food. This always made my father angry considering that there was never enough food when he was a kid. He did not mind repeating this statement to me every evening at dinner. I went up stairs after dinner and mother came up to see me a few hours later.
“I have something that I need to talk to you about.” Mother walked through my bedroom door and sat down on my bed. “What is it?” I stopped writing in my journal and turned off the radio to listen to her. “I’m not sure how to tell you.”
Mother then stood to walk towards the door. She looked back at me and shifted her weight all to one side. She looked puzzled, troubled even. “What is it?” Mother began to speak, hesitant, like she was forcing the words out of her mouth. I was afraid. I was afraid of what she was about to tell me and yet I had no idea what it was.
“Your grandmother called me today. Your Aunt Sandra is ill. She has cancer, Renee. We need to prepare ourselves for whatever happens.” What was she saying, we need to prepare ourselves? So, we need to prepare ourselves for whatever happens? What she wants to say is that Aunt Sandra is dying. Just say it, just say it. Tell me the truth even if I cry. Don’t be soft around the edges and give me false hope. “She’ll be okay Right?” “No, honey, her cancer is advanced and it’s bone cancer. The cancer has spread all over her body. She’s not going to make it, Renee.” With that being said she walked out of my room and left me sitting on my bed to try and understand what was just said.
My Aunt Sandra was very special to me. Not to make anyone jealous but she was my favorite out of all of my father’s siblings. She was kind, open and understanding. She had my thoughts figured out before I even spoke them aloud. With everything that had been going on I had not been to see her in almost a year.
You would think my mother would hold me, maybe a pat on the shoulder to show some fucking compassion or empathy. Did my mother even care? This is an awful thing to think, I know she cared, mother loved her as much as I did but maybe what it was is that she had not realized what this meant. This meant that soon Aunt Sandra would leave this world, she would be no more. Than I began to think about my mothers own mortality and my mortality, we are not forever. We will all have to leave. When we are born we are born not alone but surrounded by the ones that will love us. When we die we will die alone, there will be no one to hold us or to comfort our sobs on the other side. But, I could be wrong about this I know many theologian’s who would curse my name for that statement.
What wakes me up in the middle of the night is that we do not know what will happen to us when we go. We have a basic understanding of what it means to be born, to exist. It is the dying part that paralyzes me. Will I go on to be in another life, never knowing or seeing the ones that I have loved in this life, reincarnation? Will I burn in purgatory for all the wrong that I have ever done? Will I go on to be in the good graces with our deity? This is what frightens me more than all of the other ones put together, will I no longer be anything? Is it possible that when we die there is nothing else, only darkness and nothingness? To no longer be anything, I can’t even begin to explain how much this frightens me.
The light in my room began to flicker I turned to look at the sun just now starting to set. I closed the blinds, turned off the light and closed my door. I curled up on my bed and fought back the tears now starting to surface. I fell asleep and when I awoke for school that morning my mother was not in her cheerful mood. She must had been up all night I imagine on the phone with family members I suppose or maybe up with my father. This would be my dad’s second sibling that would pass.
“You’re not going to school today.” My mother wiped her face and made a sniffling sound with her nose. “What do you want me to do?” “We’re going to go see your Aunt Sandra. Go get ready.” I walked back to my room and got dressed, brushed my teeth, and we were out the door before I could ask anymore questions. It was a long, silent drive to Dallas that morning. I was afraid to ask questions, I did not want to upset them more than they already were.
How do you know when it will be the last time that you will ever see someone? I knew though when I saw her. Aunt Sandra lay in a hospital bed in the middle of her living room. It no longer looked like my aunt’s house. It was now filled with a nurse and other people I had never seen before. I could make out a few faces that I recognized but no one really spoke to anyone. We were all mourning her before she had even died. My mother had to almost force me to sit down in a chair next to her bed. What do I do? Does she even want me here? She is to me everything that I imagine a lady to be. Now she is empty. She was unconscious. I lay my hand next to her hand. “She can hear you.” The nurse was situating hoses around the bed. I watched the nurse. “How can she hear me?” “She is only resting because the morphine makes her sleepy. Talk to her, she will hear you.” I put my hand on top of hers moving my hand closer but gently not wanting to hurt her. She seemed delicate to me. Her already small frame was now frail; she looked to me to weigh no more than what a child would weigh.
“Aunt Sandra? Can you hear me?” I leaned in closer to her. I wanted to talk to her privately without the presence of the nurse standing in front of me. The nurse must have known that I wanted her to leave us alone. She walked away to leave me sitting beside this woman who was once my Aunt Sandra. What do I say? I’m sorry that you will no longer live? I’m sorry for not being a better niece? It is then that I wish I had spent more time with her.
The people around me now are paying attention, and they all talk in muffled voices and all the while I feel eyes behind me. Everyone was waiting for their chance to speak to her, but this is my time.
I wish to look into her eyes once more. I would have done anything to see her open her pale blue eyes. “I love you, so much. I want you to know that.” I paused and turned my head down to look at the floor. It is so hard to look at her. I can’t do this, I thought. I will never get the chance to tell her anything ever again so I must speak now. I must say something. “You mean so very much to me. I hope you are not in pain. I just wish you could hear me?” I stopped I could feel the burning inside my eyes and my throat. The pain shot in my chest. I wanted to leave her there, to now walk away and leave her in peace, for no other reason than to hide my own eyes from these people.
It was at that moment, she raised her hand slightly and grasped on to my hand. I looked up from the floor to watch her move her hand. There was no other movement in her body, I imagine that this was the most she could do. The pain must have been horrible but, she held on tight, and she held on for what seemed like hours. She didn’t have to say anything. She made no sounds nor did she open her eyes. But, I knew she heard me. She understood what I had said; there was nothing more that I needed to say. It was the worst and best feeling. Do you understand? I am losing my Aunt but I was able to tell her that I loved her. I think about all the people that lose someone and are never able to say goodbye. I said nothing more; I just sat there and cradled her hand in mine. To think about it now, I feel honored, in all her pain and weakness, she acknowledged me.
When she fell back asleep and she released my hand, I leaned over and kissed her hand than I kissed her face. I did not cry, not at that exact moment. I walked away from her bed and down the hall into the restroom. I stopped, paused to look at a picture hanging in the hallway. There was a beautiful woman. This woman was not in pain, she was not sick. This is the way I want to remember her. I glanced back to look at the woman in the hospital bed. That’s not her, I thought.
There is no God. For no God in heaven would destroy something so good and so dear to so many people. If God wanted to take her why couldn’t he have done it some other way? I couldn’t fathom why it had to end like this.
I can not let anyone see me cry. I stepped into the restroom and closed the door. I sat down on the floor in front of the tub. I pulled the towel down that was hanging on the rack above me. I put the towel over my face to hide the sounds coming from my mouth. I wanted to scream, but all that came out was moaning. My heart is breaking. I can feel it. I am not sure how long I sat there. My mother knocked on the door. “We’re leaving, Renee, come on.” On the drive home it was once again silent. I was happy about this; I did not want to talk about it to anyone. Especially my parents, to me they seemed cold and distant but now that I think about it we were all hurting and we could not find the words to make it better, so in these situations it is better to say nothing at all.
A few weeks passed. My mother and father would leave every evening to go see Aunt Sandra. I always thought of an excuse to stay behind. My mother and father never pushed it any further. I had said goodbye and I refused to watch her fall further away from us. I thought a lot about her in those weeks. I had written her many letters but never sent them to her. No words could ever describe what it meant to have known her.
The night that she passed away my mother called and told me on the phone from my aunt’s.
I said nothing; I managed to say, “Okay.” I hung up the phone and walked into my bedroom. What do I do now? It was very hard at that time in my life to understand it all. I did the best thing that I knew to do. I wrote to her, and I wrote about her. It was my way of coping with it all. I wanted to pretend that she still existed and that she knew how much I had loved her.
The funeral was held three days later. I sat in the back row of the funeral home grasping on to my mother’s hand. She had started crying before we had left the house. I refuse to show my tears. I no longer see it as being weak but rather something that no one should see. It was private and something I wish to do alone.
All around me I heard men and women crying, sobbing even. I felt bad for them because we all have our own memories of her, some were good and I am sure some were bad. This is the end, it isn’t until you are staring down at the lifeless body in a casket that you realize this fact. It hits, and it hit’s really fucking hard.
I try not to think of her too often, I still catch myself crying over her. I don’t care what anyone says the pain never goes away it still hurts as much today as it did at that moment. What we learn is to block it out. Out of sight out of mind, isn’t that how the saying goes?
Summer is right outside. I slept almost all summer long. I had nothing to do really. I maybe went to the movies occasionally but Nichole was not there to be with. She and I stopped seeing each other that summer; she spent the summer abroad in Europe with her family. I would get post cards saying that she wished I could be there, but did she really mean that or was it just something to say on a post card? On the night of her return we had planned to see each other but she had met up with some old friends of hers and planned a weekend out with them. I had only known Nichole for six months at the most and it may seem silly to think that it bothered me but yes it did, I am not a jealous person by nature, what bothered me is that she would never invite me to be with her and her friends. I believed or I felt that she was embarrassed to be seen with me.
Around the middle of August mother and I started to shop for school clothes. I wanted to start the year off right. I asked mom to take me to the nicest places and she did, and I was surprised to see that I was wearing a size eight and just the school year before that I was a size thirteen. I stood in the dressing room trying on pants and for the first time I felt like maybe an equal to all the pretty girls and maybe even my sister. Mom was proud of me. The sales lady heard mom and I talking excitedly about my weight loss and when I stepped out she gave me a hug. I thought this strange but I returned a smile.
Mom and I loaded up the new van that dad and she just purchased. Dad sat in the car listening to the radio and smoking cigarettes the whole time that we were in the shopping center. “Are we ready” dad asked? “Yes.”
We drove home and I carried all eight bags to my room. I had never seen so many clothes. I started to bring each item out, one by one. I admired every single article. It is strange now to think that something so small would make me feel so good about myself. I had gotten bell bottoms and combat boots, black lacy bras and shirts, new earrings, socks, underwear. I hung every item with care and I stuck the under garments in the dresser that mom had found. It was yellow and had a hole in the top but I covered it up with a doily and a bottle of Este Lauder perfume. No one ever knew the difference. I like to pretend that it wasn’t really there.
The weeks flew by and there was still no word from Nichole. I called but she never returned my calls. It just gave me even more time to myself. I was indulging myself at the time on The Cure; at that time in my life there was no man that could be as honest or more touching than Robert Smith. He was it and I was going to live in England with him when I became older. This is what silly young girls’ day dream about when given too much time alone.
I stopped sleeping a couple of weeks before school started. The thoughts in my head would not shut the fuck up. I felt confusion and betrayal on Nichole’s part. I was deeply upset at the way she treated me. I had not deserved it. I did what any young girl would do, when she would not return my calls or come to see me I decided that it was not worth the effort. She was a good person but it was time to move on.
It was the night before my first “big” day at Junior High School. Yeah, I was nervous. I stood in the bathroom staring at my reflection. My hair had gotten very long in just a few short months. I had started to receive dark blotchy spots under my eyes from my lack of sleep. I was going through my whole I hate my life and who am I phases, not that it did me much good because I lacked motivation to really do anything about it. No, I enjoyed sitting back and bitching about how imperfect things are and how unjust God and the world had been to me. I never had a chance, I thought. Life is over for me before it had begun, and who the fuck is this person I am staring at. I looked for hours studying and trying to understand, almost hoping for my subconscious mind to wake up and start talking to me in the mirror. This is real life and that doesn’t happen, but it would be nice if it could.
I smiled in the mirror and wished that my lips were bigger, and my eyebrows, what the hell was going on with the monstrosity before me. I have grown even more hair just standing there. It was out of control. I started to get the tweezers and pluck away.
Why is it that women feel the need to torture their selves? As women we become angry for men not noticing that we had changed our hair color or that we are wearing a new dress, if most men do not notice these things do we really think that they are going to notice some wild bushy eyebrows? However, these painful rituals that we induce upon ourselves is not for the eyes of the opposite sex no, we do these things for other women. If you think that a girlfriend or a mother or any girl in your vicinity will not notice that you are letting yourself go than you are wrong. Women will be the first to mention that we have not washed our hair or that our fingernails are uneven lengths, not men. So, why do we even bother? Simple, we are in competition at all times with the rest of the female population. I was determined to win at all costs, I owe it to myself.
After I was done staring at all of my deformities in the mirror I cleaned up and brushed my teeth. I headed off to bed but not before checking my clothes and making sure that everything was just right.
I put on my night shirt and lay down on the bed. I closed my eyes but not before day dreaming about what was to come. Have you ever tried to sleep the night before going to an amusement park? It was the same way for me that night. Sleep would not come easy. I wondered about Nichole, what really happened to make her flake off?
I fell asleep and it seemed like ten minutes later mom was screaming, “Another day another dollar, rise and shine.”
I got up without argue, did my rituals of staring at the mirror, putting on makeup, and all that nonsense. I ate my breakfast, got into the van and for the first time was waiting on my mom. “Hurry up,” I said.
Mom drove me to the school and dropped me off. I had already gotten my schedule the week before with mom.
I stepped into the school and knew that this would be it. This would be the beginning of my chance at glory. I was not expecting a miracle but I was expecting a little less then greatness.
First Period was choir; singing was always something that I could do fairly well. I saw Nichole sitting in front of me. She turned to look at me but when I tried to speak to her I was looked at very sternly by the choir director. I decided to wait to talk to her until after school.
Most of the day was taking notes on supplies that would be needed, and class rules and expectations. Not that I cared much to here any of it. I really did not feel that I was there for an education besides what; if anything could they teach me that I had not already read or learned. Yes, I thought I knew it all, don’t we all think this way to some degree as a teenager, of course I was wrong but I was not about to be told that.
It was later the next day at lunch when I would have the chance to talk to Nichole. She was standing around a lot of girls with their Dooney and Bourke purses and they were waiting in line. Dooney and Bourke bitches is what I thought of them, they are the girls in school that would carry $500.00 purses and talk shit about everyone else who could not afford one. They did not understand anything about anything and only cared for themselves and their reputations and Nichole had fallen into their midst. She was one of them and I was, well I was me and I will always be me.
I ran up to Nichole. “Nichole, where have you been?” She looked right through me and all of her friends turned to stare at me. “Why are you talking to me”, she said? I felt that a knife went straight through my chest and that I was being repeatedly jabbed at. She could not have said anything more hurtful and to top it off I had no idea where it was coming from. I felt the tears coming and I said nothing to her. As I was walking away I could hear all of the girls laughing at my expense. “Nichole is that you’re best friend?” Uproar of laughter filled the air and I was swallowing it down with a cold harsh slice of reality. I no more belonged in Nichole’s company than an Appalachian in Buckingham Palace. Girls like me and girls like her will never have anything in common.
Those fucking Dooney and Bourke bitches, who the fuck do they think they are? I may not belong in their country club, may father did not drive a Mercedes, but Christ I still have my dignity I will not let it get to me. I can’t let it get to me.
For the rest of the six weeks I dove into my work, I excelled in English and History. All the while pretending once again that everything was fine, at PE I would walk track alone with my walkman. The Dooney and Bourke bitches did their best to make my life hard, shouting profanities or throwing things at me. Oh well.
I remember having all of my classes with a beautiful girl. She was at least 5’9 and she had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was very striking and seemed to be very much popular with all the boys and all of the girls as well. Even Nichole was doing her best to charm her. Her name was Vanessa and at first she paid me no attention and then one day in history she turned to look at me. “You have beautiful eyes”, she said. I looked at her astonished. “Are you talking to me?” She giggled and asked me my name. “I’m Renee.” “Hey, would you like to come with my friends and I after school?” I thought about this for a moment, my mom always picked me up after school and there would have been no way I could go with Vanessa and her friends. “Yeah, sure.” I said this before my brain could stop my mouth.
“Okay, meet us out in the front after the last bell.” I smiled back at her. Then I wondered, why is she really talking to me?
I called my mother after lunch at the payphone. “Mom, a friend of mine asked me to hang out after school, is that okay?” “Yeah, okay.” I could hear her talking to other people in the office and then she hung up. I decided not to push my luck any further and just return to lunch. After the last bell rang, I felt a large lump in my throat. I felt like something bad was about to happen. I walked out of the front door as I did I passed Nichole. She did not even turn her head to look at me. I looked straight ahead and saw Vanessa with two other girls and two boys standing beside the flag pole. Vanessa saw me and she stopped what she was saying to smile. “You’re late”, she said. “I’m sorry I just had to get my algebra book I have homework.” Whatever I said must have been out of the ordinary because they all looked at me with there mouths open. Vanessa smiled again. “Let’s go”, she said.
We walked away from the school and down the road. We must have walked three blocks from the school when ever single kid lit a cigarette. “Do, you want a cigarette, Vanessa asked as she pulled a cigarette from her pack. “Sure”, I said. My parents were chain smokers, honestly. However, I never liked the smell and when I lit the cigarette everyone was staring at me. I guess that they were waiting for me to cough or gag. But, I didn’t gag. I didn’t inhale either and this went unnoticed as everyone started to talk again. We walked along a field and the boys parted ways. Vanessa kissed one of them on the cheek and said bye. We kept walking. “Where are we going”, I asked? Vanessa looked at her friend and then back at me. “I found my moms’ stash last night.” “Her what”, I asked? Her friend laughed at me. Jennifer was her name now that I think about it. Jennifer spoke to me like I was a child, she talked very slowly and precise as to not confuse me. “SHE FOUND HER MOMS WEED.” Vanessa and Jennifer laughed at me and I started to blush. I was not stupid so there was no need to talk to me like this and I felt at that moment I could just run away and never look back, but then again this is the first time that I was asked by another person to go anywhere with them. It was worth the strange looks and the snares just to be next to someone my own age.
We came to Vanessa’s apartment and she walked inside. The house was a mess but Vanessa informed me that her mom worked full time and she had two younger brothers. I then understood. The girls disappeared and left me standing in the living area by myself. I noticed all of the Halloween decorations lying about. The girls came skipping back into the living room holding a tin metal tray with what looked to be like green dried leaves that had been smashed and cigarette rolling papers, I noticed the rolling papers because my Great Uncle Austin rolled cigarettes in front of me and my sister when we were small children.
She sat down on the couch and removed some clothes that were lying beside her. “Sit down, guys, she said.” I did as she asked. “Have you ever smoked before, she asked me?” She was still staring down at the weed and sorting through it. I felt embarrassed because if I lied I am sure that they would know. “No, I said looking down at my hands.” “It’s okay; you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” She looked sincere this time. “No, I want to try it, I said.” She rolled her joint and then lit it. She handed it to Jennifer after she took a deep drag and she was holding it in and not talking or breathing. Jennifer smiled and closed her eyes and sat back in her chair. She again took a deep drag but exhaled as soon as she inhaled it. She looked over at me without moving her head only her eyes and passed it to me. It smelled atrocious but I put it up to my lips and both girls were watching me as I slowly inhaled the smoke into my lungs. I thought I was going to be sick as it filled my chest. It hurt and I started to cough, no, not cough, I was gagging. I felt like I would never breathe again. The girls started to laugh as they both hit me on the back. “Not, so hard, Renee, take it easy.” I started to laugh because the whole thing was very funny. “I think I’ve had enough, I said.” I got up and stretched my legs as Vanessa and Jennifer finished their joint. “Can I use your phone, I asked?” Vanessa stared at the kitchen and pointed towards the phone hanging off of the wall. I dialed home and mom answered the phone. “Hey, mom.” “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?” “What?, I asked. You said I could go to my friend’s house after school. I am at my friend’s house.” Renee, you have two minutes to get back to the school and wait for your father. He is out looking for you and he is fucking pissed.” “What the fuck ever.” I hung up the phone and both Jennifer and Vanessa were staring at me. “I’m sorry, I got to go.” “It’s okay, sweetie.” She hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I grabbed my backpack and walked to the door and stepped out. “I’ll see you at school, Renee.” “Okay, I said.”
As soon as I was clear from anyone watching me I ran to the school. I still have never run that fast. What the fuck. Did she not understand me? I called, I asked permission. My dad had a temper to say the least. I spent many years watching him lose his temper on my moms or my sister face. I did not want to receive this kind of punishment.
I was standing on the other side of the street from the school. I could see my dad standing outside the van looking for some sign of me, I suppose. I ran across the street not even looking first and ran up to my father. He only looked at me; he did not say a word. He got in the van and closed his door. I walked around the van to the other side of the door. I opened it and got inside. He started the truck and never once looked at me nor did he talk to me. He drove in silence and I sat in silence.
We got home and he used his clicker and drove all the way down on the first isle of the property and up the second one to the side door had sat to the apartment. He got out. I was contemplating and holding my strap to my backpack in my hand. I turned and looked out the window and then looked down to find the handle to open the door. I reacted as slowly as possible because I had no idea what was about to happen.
My feet hit the ground. I walked with my head down, and into the house. My mother was standing at the door that divided the apartment from the office and she had been crying and her glasses were broken. She was holding them and trying to put them back together. My dad walked up the stairs and into his room. “Because of you my glasses are broken.” “Really, mom, how the fuck is it my fault?” “Watch your mouth. And go take that shit off of your face.” I got up from the table, I looked back and I could still see her rubbing her eyes from crying and from being slapped repeatedly in the face by my father. I walked up the stairs and into the room. On one hand I felt bad that my mother was hurt but it was not my fault. Also, I had friends now. My friends were pot heads but they were my friends.
Vanessa and I became close throughout the next couple of weeks. We talked, and wrote letters to each other. She understood me. She may have been very popular and everyone wanted to be around her but she never acted that way. She was intelligent, beautiful, and creative. She had a habit of complimenting everyone which at times seemed a bit fake but none the less appreciated. I was almost envied by everyone to now be the center of her and her friends. People looked at me different and acted different towards me. The Dooney and Bourke bitches were pissed beyond belief. I felt satisfied to a point. This was nice and I would have never expected it. Popularity is a strange thing, and it means so much to some people but it never really meant much to me now that I think about it. I was still me and I am still genuine. Every one wants to be accepted for who they really are and I did feel this way. Vanessa says that she saw this and why she had to know me. The school was full of fakes every single one of them all wanted to be something other than what they were labeled as. I was genuine yes, but I was seen differently by other people. I would be called a prude, snob, and a poser. What the fuck ever. They didn’t know me. None of them ever knew me, “they” didn’t count.
A week before Halloween a very good looking boy came up to me in the hall as I was getting books out of my locker. Jesse was Italian he had beautiful hair and eyes and talked repeatedly about how he could have anyone killed. Yeah, I found him attractive and I had never even had a boy look at me before. He was transfixed with me. He followed me around, carried my books, and wrote me letters. I went out with him on Halloween night. He lived with his mom and his dad was back in Brooklyn working. I found out that his dad was an attorney and his mom no longer had to work, she just had to keep her mouth shut about certain things. Maybe that is why she moved with her son to Texas. I am not sure. He showed me his room and the rest of his house. Everything was beautiful and very elegant. I felt a little out of place. But, even his mother was asking me about school and music. She was a very pretty lady. As we were walking outside to his backyard his mother stopped us she was staring at me and holding on to my arm, “Jesse really likes you, he can’t stop talking about you.” I giggled and looked at Jesse, I could see that he was blushing and fidgeting for the door. We walked outside and it was a beautiful night. There were no stars anywhere but the moon was full, huge, and yellow. There were a few clouds in the sky but none to overcast the moon. We sat down on a bench and both looked up at the sky. He looked at me and smiled at me. “Can I ask you something?” He was staring into my eyes very intently and inching even closer. “Sure, I said.” I stood up to avoid his eyes. I knew where this was going and I felt very uncomfortable. “Can I kiss you”, he asked? “Um, I, Uh, Um, yeah.” I felt like I was going to be sick. Why did I say that? He touched my face with his hand and pushed my hair aside. With his other hand he brought my face closer to his. He then wrapped his arm around my waist. He never broke eye contact with me. I was not sure what I was supposed to do. He then pressed his lips to mine. It was a strange feeling. I had never had anyone’s lips touch my own before besides my mother‘s. He opened his mouth and I followed him. It was a perfect dance, he was the leader and I followed. I pulled away from him and wiped my mouth and stared at him and laughed. “What? he asked” “Nothing.” I was giddy. I was excited. However, I was not expecting a kiss to be that bad. It wasn’t bad; it’s just not what I had expected. It was fast, and hurried and very sloppy. My chin was even wet.
I heard my mom pull up in the front drive. I gave Jesse a kiss on the cheek and smiled at him. I looked around to see if I was leaving anything behind. I remembered that I had left my purse in his bedroom. “He walked in front of me and opened the door for me. I stepped inside. His mother had already opened the door and engaged in conversation with my mother. Mom was shaking her head and smiling as she always did when she spoke to people she didn‘t know. Jesse disappeared and brought me my purse from his bedroom. I took my purse and put it around my shoulder. I stepped toward the door and his mother opened it wider never once looking at me but still talking to my mother.
His mother looked at him. “Are you going to walk her outside, Jesse?” My mother and his mother both smiled at us. I walked out the door and to my mothers van. He grabbed me by the arm and started to kiss me again. I put my hand in front of his mouth. “My mother is right there.” “I’m sorry, he said” I opened the front passenger door and got inside. I watched him as we drove away. There was something about the whole thing that felt wrong to me. He was good looking, came from a semi sane family, and yet there was something missing. Or maybe it was that awful kiss.
November sucked. My grades started to slip and Jesse and I broke up shortly after Halloween. He never looked at me or talked to me after that. But, I saw that he cried when I told him that I didn’t want to go out with him.
Unfortunately Nichole and I were not any better than we were. It was one morning in choir class that I had enough. We were preparing for winter recital when the director stopped what he was doing and banged his fist on the piano. We all looked at him in fear. He never raised his voice above a whisper and always had words of encouragement for his students.
“WHO IS OFF KEY?” I put my head down, I am sure it was me, I had not been practicing and to tell you the truth I wanted out of this bullshit class, I hated being this close to Nichole. Nichole and her friend Shanda looked at me and laughed. “Fuck you, you fucking bitch.” I was furious. It was not her place to announce my short comings. She was nothing but a hand me down Dooney and Bourke bitch. She didn’t even have half the class the other bitches did. If this would have been a TV drama she would have been written off after the first season. She looked astonished and I really didn‘t care. I decided for once in my life to stand up for myself. “GET OUT.” The director was furious and I could feel his eyes glaring at me. “No problem.” I grabbed my things and I kicked my chair with my foot barely missing Shanda’s face. I slammed the door. I threw my things across the hall and almost hit a girl sitting there. She had long blonde stringy dirty looking hair and was wearing way too much eyeliner. “Watch it.” “I’m sorry.” I picked up my things and sit down next to her. “What’s wrong”, she asked. The girl could not put on makeup that was for sure half of her face was nearly white and the blackened eyes made her look half dead. She was wearing torn jeans and a flannel. This was the beginning of grundge and it was cool to look hooked on heroine and homeless. She was working on something and she put it down to stare at me. “Sorry, nothing.” “Okay. She said.” I picked up my bag and started to go through it. I found my algebra homework and started to work on it.
Just at that time a boy came walking up the hallway. He was tall and extremely good looking. His hair hung down over his eyes. He stopped, turned abruptly on his heels and faced the girl beside me. She laughed. “What do you want?” She asked him. He bent down and gave her a hug. He then walked off. He was impressive looking. He would sure piss of my mom.
“Who was that? I asked. “Him?” “Yeah” “That’s just Tracy. He’s my ex. Why?” “He’s really cute.” “Yeah, he thinks so too.” I laughed. I needed to laugh. “So, what happened really?” She was looking at me with her eyes squinted. I felt I should tell her the truth besides I almost did hit her with my bag. “Oh, well, this girl is a real bitch and she pissed me off, so I told her to fuck off.” She laughed at me. “Good for you. I’m Julie.” “Hey, Julie. I’m Renee.” “Are you single, Renee?” I looked at her. Was this really any of her business? “Yes, why?” “So, is Tracy.” I smiled at her.
The bell rang and I told her goodbye. I left the door before the director or Nichole came walking out.
I went off to my next class. English class was somewhat a favorite class. The teacher and I had an understanding. I did my work but I would sleep anytime I wanted to in her class. I was half awake today instead of half dead and noticed a girl sitting at my desk. “That’s where I sit.” “God, I’m sorry, she said.” She got up and sat in the chair beside me. “No, someone else sits there.” I am sure I was being a bitch and taking it out on her but I was not meaning to. “This seat is free.” I pointed to the seat behind me. She got up once again and grabbed her things. She was a pretty girl but she looked very forlorn. She had curly 1980’s hair and was wearing a metal shirt of some kind. She sat her things at the desk behind me. Vanessa was absent that day so I had no one to talk to. I decided to make friendly chat.
I turned around. And faced her. “Are ya new?” She looked up from her book. “Yes.” I just moved here from Rochester, New York.” Now that I talked to her I could hear her northern accent. I was almost embarrassed. I was sure that people form New York did not think kindly of people from the south. “What’s your name?” “Erica.” “I’m Renee.”
“Ladies?” The teacher was staring at us. “Are you talking about Literature?” I laughed. “You’re kidding, right?” She rolled her eyes at me.
She then proceeded to go over her assignment for the day. I did not turn back around to speak to Erica. I engrossed my self in THE PIGMAN. It is not the best story ever written. I found it juvenile compared to what I was reading at home.
The bell rang and I got up to go to my history class. “Renee?” The teacher called me back. “Yes.” “You have so much potential. I hate to see you waste your time.”
I turned and walked away without saying anything to her. With what she just said to me I felt that I did not need to justify her remark with a reply. The book she had us read was about how adults did not understand teenagers, she fell into that category no matter how much she tried not to.
I fell out into the hallway along with all the other aimless calf and stampeded my way toward my history class. I wanted to walk right out. There was Nichole sitting in my class room. What is she doing here? “Why are you here? You’re not in this class?” She dropped her books to the floor beside her I heard them hit the floor with a loud thump. She locked her eyes to mine. “I transferred not that it’s any of your business.” “That’s fucking great.”
I put down my books and turned to face the door. Erica was standing there holding her schedule and looking at the number on the door to make sure that she was at the right place.
“Are you lost or are you following me?” I looked at her and grabbed her schedule, not in a mean way but I had no time for onlookers, I was about to knock Nichole out.
People moved through the door way knocking me out of my stance every time.
I looked at her schedule. She was at the right place.
“You can sit by me, Erica.” I smiled at Nichole in my most evil way possible. I pointed to the desk next to mine. She walked inside and sat down next to me.
The teacher was not there that day. We had a substitute that day. Everyone went crazy. They started to laugh and to make noise. The substitute did not try to discourage them either. He sat behind the desk and started to read the morning paper.
“So, Erica, do you like Texas?” “Yeah, people are really nice.” I found this hard to believe, especially how rough I had been. Erica and I talked the whole way through class. She had an older sister in the ninth grade and she had another sister in Elementary and one sister that was four and not in school yet. Her mother was a nurse and her grandmother had a farm in Fort Worth. I listened I had nothing to say. I was still brooding about Nichole. I must do something to make it stop once and for all.
The bell rang and it was lunch time. Erica and I walked together. We stood in line together and ate together. We had the next period together, P.E. P.E. was my fuck off class. I have never liked it much. I was well endowed at my age and I could always feel eyes watching me as I changed my clothes. So, needless to say the P.E. teacher hated me as well. Erica did not bring clothes to suit out in so her and I sat in the corner and laughed at the other girls playing volleyball.
Before I knew it the day was over and I was walking outside to meet my mother. I saw Julie and Tracy hugging each other and saying bye. Tracy looked over at me and waved. I waved back. Did she say something to him about me being single and thinking he was attractive? Oh, my God. I walked faster to the van and got in.
After a few more weeks Erica and I became closer. Inseparable would be a better term for us. I found in Erica the same qualities that I myself had. Don’t get me wrong. Vanessa was beautiful and popular and everything that I wanted to be. However, Vanessa and I were very different. Vanessa and Erica became friends and my personal ARMY for defeating Nichole. I met many more people in just a few weeks time, beautiful, smart, popular people. The strange thing was is that these people now considered me a friend of theirs. Just a year earlier I was sitting in my room alone or sitting at lunch alone. I can never say that Nichole was ever a friend. At this point in my life I decided that my goal was to just be as happy as possible.
It became very close to Christmas once again. Christmas time changes people, it makes them braver so to speak. I was in the eighth grade hall one afternoon carrying some poetry to be submitted in the Hurst Junior High Paper. I saw Tracy walking directly in my path. He was making eye contact with me. Oh, my God. What do I do? Do I make eye contact back; do I run away, do I smile, should I say something witty? He was very handsome. Tracy was 6’0 and very husky. He was almost perfect. I can remember his smile and how his face would almost light up and every time I looked at him I couldn’t speak. I was not a shy person. I am surrounded by the click every one wanted to be a part of and words never once failed me. It was only Tracy that managed to make me feel this way. He stopped as I was directly beside him turned on his toes and laughed.
“WHAT?” I almost shouted these words at him not meaning to. It was just… Did I have something on my face, why was he laughing? He must have been taken back by this and sort of jumped back a little. “I was just saying, hey, O…KAY?” Now I felt stupid. He was being polite and I was taking it as criticism. I smiled. “I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s cool.” “Okay, I got to go.” He turned back around and walked off. I am so fucking stupid. Why did I do that? Why am I so dumb?
I walked on to my destination. I wanted to add my poetry to the paper. I felt that I had made an improvement on my work, since I had started studying English Poets. My favorite poets were Christina Rossetti, and William Blake. I had studied the Sonnets of William Shakespeare and had made my own version.
I walked into the small editorial room but the teacher was gone. There was a small girl sitting on the opposite side of the teacher’s desk looking over papers. “Can I help you?” The young girl was staring at me. I was obviously not the type to drop by on a visit. “Hi, um, I just wanted to submit some of my work.” “Oh, just put it on her desk, she will be back later.” I put my papers on her desk making sure that I had dated and signed all of them. I turned around out of the class room and walked on.
Guess who was walking once again toward me? Yes, it was him. He was really laughing hard this time. “Hey”, he said. “Hi.” At this point I was beyond self conscious. I really did not want to mess up my second encounter with him. I was probably acting semi normal. I am guessing. “Can I have your number?” “You want my number?” I asked. I looked dumbfounded. The bad thing is neither one of us had anything to write on or to write with. “What’s your name, he asked?” “I’m Renee.” “Renee, yeah I have seen you before with Vanessa. You know my friend Julie?” “Yeah, I met her once.” “That’s cool.” He stood on his tip toes and stepped back a little further. “It was nice to meet you; I really got to go, Tracy.” I smiled and walked away. Then he came running up beside me grabbing my sweater as he did.
“Renee, can you remember my number?” I looked at him and smiled, yeah, I would remember his number. “Yes.” He told me his number and then he walked back to his class. As soon as he was out of sight I jogged a little to my history class. I had to get his number down on paper before I forgot it. I walked all the way to the class repeating the number.
Jesse was standing in the hallway with his mom and he was taking all of his books out of his locker. He stopped to look up at me and so did his mother. He was about to speak, “I can’t talk now,” I said. I kept on walking. “Renee.” Jessie came jogging up and stepped in front of me. “I’m going back to New York.” “That’s nice.” I stepped out around him and kept on walking. “That’s it, that’s all you’re going to say to me?” I stopped and turned only my head to face him. I smiled. “Yup, that’s all I got to say. See you later.” I rolled my eyes and starting to run now to get away from him and his needless affection for me. Some would find him sweet, charming, I saw him as pathetic and even weak.
Erica and Vanessa were throwing wads of paper at Nichole behind the teacher’s back. Mrs. Hyman was giving her lecture about some war many years ago that has nothing to do with right now. Mrs. Hyman stopped and turned to look at me. She sat down her chalk and walked very slowly to where I was standing. “Renee, you’re tardy. I believe that this is the tenth tardy this six weeks and that means Saturday school.” “Do what you must.” I smiled my biggest smile and sat down at my desk between Vanessa and Erica. “To someone like you I am sure it wouldn’t mean much.” Mrs. Hyman’s nostrils were flaring. I knew that the teachers hated me. I don’t blame them, I slacked off, and I did and said what ever the fuck I wanted to. I honestly did not mean it as disrespect. I am only making up for lost time. She turned around back to the chalk board.
I took out my notebook and started to write Tracy’s number down. When I came to the last digit in his telephone number I could not for the life of me remember what he had said. I closed my eyes and tried to recall everything. Did he say four? Damn it. I closed my notebook and turned my head. Nichole was hunched over her desk and doing her best to keep the wads of paper from hitting her in the face. Was it really worth it? Was any of this going to matter a few years down the road? Why am I angry with Nichole? I could name a million and one reasons why I am angry now but I can’t tell you how all of this started. “Vanessa, leave her alone.” “What’s your problem?” “Just leave her alone.” Nichole never once looked up to see me for all I know she could have been cursing and muttering my name or she could have been crying from the insensate abuse from my friends.
Stephanie was sitting on the floor watching Barney when I came home that Friday after school. I picked her up and kissed her. I put her on my hip and went into the kitchen. I found the cookies on top of the refrigerator and handed her two of them. I put her down on the ground to walk back to the television where Barney was singing his gay ass theme song. Mom was in the office but her door was open to keep an eye on the baby.
Mom hung up the phone and smiled at me. “We’re going out tonight.” “Cool, where are we going, mom?” “Not you Renee, you got to stay here and look after Stephanie.” “What if I said that I had fucking plans and that it is not my mother fucking job to watch someone else’s kid?”
“No.” Mom shook here head at me. “You have to watch Stephanie.” I rolled my eyes and made my way to my room. Stephanie turned her little head to watch me. The shouting must have frightened her because she had dropped both of her cookies on the floor and started to cry. I walked back in to the kitchen and got her two more cookies.
I sat down on the chair in the living room and held out the cookies for her to come and get them. She wobbled over to me and took the cookies out of my hand. She turned back around to the television where another episode of Barney had just come on.
I had wanted to call Tracy but I had forgotten the last digit. I guess I could always dial the number and then try a new last digit until I find the right number? I would try that. But, how can I distract Stephanie long enough to use the phone? I guess I could always put her to bed early in my mom’s room and then sneak off to my room to try and use the
phone? At 6:00 PM my mother and father were out the door. She kissed Stephanie goodbye and stared down at me. “Watch her.” “No, mom I am going to let her play out in the street.” She gave me her most I hate you look and closed the door behind her.
Why me? Why do I always have to be the one to take care of her? My sister had friends and she just married that Jordan guy, I am sure that he had family, I know he did. But, it was always me to take care of her. I had given up so many weekends. Yes, I am sure I sound like I am pouting but from day one I had to be responsible for her while my much prettier and popular sister got to go out with friends. Was my sister my mother’s favorite? It would appear so?
I got up from where I was sitting and put the baby gate in front of the kitchen. I did not want the baby to get hurt while I was making dinner. I looked through the cabinets and fridge. I found some macaroni and cheese and some hot dogs and some moldy bread, everything else was either frozen or too complicated to mess with. Mom could have gotten us some fast food before she left but I was sure she had other things on her mind.
I boiled the hot dogs and boiled the water for the macaroni and cheese.
When it was done, I cut up the hot dogs in small pieces and put it in with the macaroni and cheese. It was not a great meal but Stephanie seemed to like it.
I gave her a sippy cup of milk and put on a tape of Barney and sat down with her on the couch, rocking her back and forth. It was 8:45 before she fell asleep and still no word from my mom.
I left Stephanie asleep on the couch, I placed a pillow in front of her and one on the floor incase she rolled off. I snuck into the kitchen grasping my notebook and the telephone. I
started dialing the number and starting with putting 0 as the last digit. That number was
disconnected. I went all the way to 9 before I had the right number.
“Hello”, came a women’s voice from the other end. “Hello, may I please speak to, Tracy?” “Who is this?” “My name is Renee; I go to school wi…” “Little girl, do you know what time it is?” “Yes ma’am. It is 9:00.” “That’s right, and Tracy can not have calls past 8:00. It would be very wise if you did not call again after 8:00. Do you understand me?”
Before I could answer back she hung up the phone on me. Well, that did not go as well as I had hoped. Well, that figures.
I heard crying in the next room and went to see that Stephanie had rolled off and she was standing up and holding her arms out to me wanting me to pick her up. I walked over to her and felt her diaper. She needed to be changed again. I took her upstairs and changed her and put her in my bed. I laid down beside her after I had changed into my night clothes. She turned her little face toward mine and started to twirl my hair in her short little fingers. This was something that I was used to. She and I had become very close because we had spent so much time together. Of course it was forced but I loved her as much or maybe even more than her own mother.
I awoke the next morning to the phone next to my bed ringing. I picked up the phone and hung it back up and rolled back over not to disturb Stephanie. Before I could close my eyes the phone began to ring again. Stephanie heard this and woke up. She started to cry. She stuck her thumb in her mouth and twirled her hair.
“Hello.” “Good morning. You and Stephanie come down and eat.” It was mom and she was calling me from her office. I hung up the phone and put on my robe. I walked with Stephanie down the stairs and sat her in her high chair. I scooped some Oat meal in her bowl and went back up stairs to lie down. I was sure mother could handle it from here. I was exhausted and pissed off for now my weekend was ruined and I blamed it all on my mother and Katarina.
I walked back up the stairs took off my robe and fell back down on my bed. I was just about to sleep. I was starting to dream of what I could be doing instead of being stuck here. The phone rang. “I WAS ALMOST ASLEEP, WHAT?”
“Hello. Is Renee there?” The voice at the other end was very serious and deep. I stood up and my heart was racing. “Who is this?” But, I knew it was him. Oh my God. “This is Tracy. Um, you called last night. I got bitched out for it.” “I am so sorry. I really didn’t know it was that late.” “It’s cool. What are you doing later?” “Me? Nothing, well, I have to watch my little niece but I could do something later.” He paused; he wanted to ask me something. It got quiet. He cleared his throat. “Do you know where the pond is? It’s right before you get to River Trails?” “Yes.” He was referring to the pond right outside my house, just about maybe a mile from me. “Do you want to meet me there?” “Yeah, when?” “Three O’clock? Is that okay?” “Yeah, I’ll see you then.” It got quiet again. He hung up the phone. My heart was still racing. I wanted to jump up and down. Shit, I haven’t showered or shaved or anything.
I jumped in the shower and quickly washed my hair. I shaved as well. I toweled my hair and stood in front of the mirror. I have changed I think. My eyes brighter, my body slimmer and I seemed to stand more confident.
I brushed my teeth and ran my fingers through my hair. I went to my room. I found my black bra and panties. I found a dark blue shirt and some jeans. I looked at the clock it was 2:00. I still have time to do my makeup. I sat down at the edge of my bed and picked up my purse. I started with my lotion and finished with a touch of blush. Not bad
I thought. The clock said 2:30. I walked downstairs and saw my mother on the couch with Stephanie. “I will be back in a while,” I told her. Before she could say anything I walked out the side door. I walked fast to avoid her calling me back. She never did ask me where I was going.
I walked to the end of the isle and in front of me was the back fence. There was a hole cut in the fence just big enough for me to squeeze through.
I walked down a hill and over some rail road tracks. There was a wooded area in front of me. I walked through, the further I went the darker it became. It appeared to me that it was very chilly outside for spring and I found myself sticking my hands in my pocket.
I came to the pond. Not a pond like you would think it was really more like a big hole in the ground. There he was standing on the opposite side of the pond. He was smoking a cigarette, holding it with his thumb and pointer finger. When he exhaled the smoke came out of his nose and his mouth. He walked toward me and flicked his cigarette as he did so. He laughed when I was standing in front of him.
“Do you want to walk,” he asked me. “Sure.” We started to walk and we chatted as we did so. He was smart, funny, and I found him most sincere. He was the most exciting person I had met. He had a beautiful smile, and for his age he was tall, athletic, and more than that, he was attractive. I found myself staring at him, to the point he was starting to become embarrassed maybe a little insecure.
“Do you live in River Trails?” As I said this I pointed behind him. River Trails was a large community made up of large over priced homes. He looked behind him as if he was not sure what I was talking about and then turned to smile at me. “Yeah.”
“Okay, I said.” I nodded my head and checked my watch. It was 4:30 and I had walked out the door at 2:30. I wanted to stay but knew that I had to leave. I found myself wanting to touch him. I wanted to hold him close to me. I had never felt this before. It was a burning sensation all over my body. There was an aching inside me. What was this, I thought?
I smiled. “I have to leave, I said.” I turned my head around to stare behind me. It had already started to get dark out and the sun was setting behind me.
“Bye,” he said. I turned around and started to leave when he grabbed my arm. He pulled me close to him. I breathed him in. His smell made me want to stay even longer. He pulled my hair and bent down toward my face. He closed his eyes, I did the same. My heart could not be contained inside my chest and I was starting to sweat. But I could not stop. I didn’t want it to stop. His one hand rested on my neck and the other inside my sweater on my back underneath my bra. He was moving his hand closer to my stomach. My muscles tensed and I started to get dizzy. His mouth touched mine and then his tongue. It massaged and moved inside my mouth. It was the most perfect feeling, nothing could ever compare. My face turned when his did. My tongue moved when his did, I breathed when he did. My body started to tremble and I had a sensation to lie down. I had to stop my brain told me. I can’t do this.

I pulled away. I put my hands on his chest; I separated his body from mine.
I had to breathe, I had to think. It was cloudy and my mind kept repeating to return to his smile, his eyes, and his arms. I laughed. “I’ll see you later, he said.” He turned to walk away from me. I wanted to grab him and kiss him again, but knew I had to stop.
What time was it? I watched him walk, I stared at him, I wanted him to turn around and see me but then I felt my face start to burn. I must leave.
I walked away and did not look back until I was a safe distance away. I could see nothing but trees behind me, it was much darker now. It was nearly 5:00. I skipped over the tracks and pushed myself through the fence and I ran the rest of the way home.
The side door was locked and so I had to knock on the door to get someone to let me in. My dad answered the door. I had one thought in my mind. I hope that he could not tell by my face what I had just done.
He stepped aside and opened the door wider for me. I walked in. I smelled mother cooking. It made me nauseous. I could never eat again. My stomach was still flipping. I ran up the stairs and straight to my room. I sat down on my bed. I wanted to jump up and down, I wanted to scream.
The phone rang later that night. Dad answered and then screamed up the stairs that it was for me.
“Hello, I said.” Dad came on the phone, “You got it.” Dad hung up muttering something about boys calling me to mother. “Hey.” It was him, there goes my thoughts, and I could not say anything. Why can’t I think of anything to say to him? I seem like a stupid girl I was sure of that. “Hey, I said.” We talked a short while it was nearly 8:00 and I heard his mother screaming at him to get off the phone. “I got to go, he said” “Tracy?” Before I could stop myself, it came out, it was impulse. “Do you want to go out? I mean do you want to be with me. I mean not be with me but go out with me?” Stupid girl, shit. “No. he said.” He then hung up the phone. I hung up and stared confused at the wall. “What?” What just happened and why did he say no? I could have sworn the way he looked at me he was interested. The kiss was amazing. I just don’t understand.
Ten minutes had passed and the phone rang again. I had been pacing the floor and going over in my mind what I had said and done that afternoon. I jumped startled at the sound of the phone. “Hello?” “Renee?” It was him. Even though I was hurt and disappointed I wanted to talk to him. “Yes”, I strained to make a sound come out. “Do you want to go out with me?”
“I just asked you that question and you said no.” “So?” “Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, did you do that to me on purpose?” He laughs, “Yup.”
“No,” I said. He got still and quiet. “Really, why not”, he asked. “Because, Tracy you didn’t ask me the right way.” If Tracy wanted to play games I could play them too. “And what is the right way” he asked. “I won’t tell you. You will just have to find out on your own.”
“Tracy.” His mother was yelling for him to get off the phone. “I’ll see you later.” I heard the phone go quiet. I heard a single click and then the dial tone. I remember that night and I remember how easy it felt to be myself. That’s all I needed to be. For some ungodly reason he liked me.
The next few days went by so fast. I went everywhere with him. If I was not with him I was on the phone with him. You could have said that I was infatuated or that this was my first crush. I saw it more than that. I had conquered being afraid to talk to him to never shutting up around him. He would come over or I would go to be with him at the pond. We would kiss, laugh, I could have held on to him and not even in my death would I have let go.

Chapter Four: The River Boys

2009-06-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have forgotten many things from my youth, but most of those things I have chosen to forget. There are some things that will never leave, you will remember people of your past because they are now a part of your subconscious. Yes, they are and these people are fresh footprints in the snow that are etched in your being and no matter what; you have to follow those tracks again and again, you know where it leads, you know how it ends but you must follow those feet of the past. The River Boys are much apart of me as much as blood makes me human. The River Boys consisted of Tracy, Danny, Jason, Ozzy, Patrick and Britt. The boys were the arrogant good looking boys that normally I would have never had the courage to talk to. Under normal circumstances I would have sat at my desk day after day inches from them hallucinating a whirl wind romance but they would have had no idea who I was. The River Boys should not have known who I was but Karma was kind to me and I was able to claim the River Boys as my own. I was not their sun in their solar system I was barley a speck of dust but they gave me what I needed which was friendship from the opposite sex. Friendship with boys for a young girl is a strange thing. In some ways girls use and dissect these poor souls to understand what and who the other sex is.
The River Boys were wealthy, good looking, influential and not at all apologetic to anyone or anything. All of them lived in River Trails a wealthy real estate development
that centered around catering to people with too much money and never enough possessions. River Trails happened to lie right behind my house past the rail road tracks and past the little pond. The houses were huge with uniformed green front yards rolling along all the way to the edge of the pavement. Each yard was more sublime than the next. If you want to see the Jones’ battle with each other you would not need to look any further than River Trails. The yards seemed to be more appropriate on a magazine cover instead of in front of my eyes. I should consider myself lucky to be in such company. The boys I am sure were persuaded by their parents to drop me. I was a bad addiction and I may even endanger their sons’ respectability or worse the whole family’s accountability. What would the neighbors think? Ha. Why did the boys keep me in their graces? I couldn’t answer that question then, I can’t answer it now.
I can see me pushing forward down those channels now, they are filled row after row with rooted and steady trees, kids, and the rest of the recipe for a suburban utopia. Family’s helping each other to carry in the groceries, siblings played out in the streets as I waltzed past. I was visiting an 80’s television episode but I was only an extra and there was no lead role for me. I always would wonder what their parents did for a living to sustain a perfect lifestyle but I never did have the courage to ask. It was not my business and it was just too personal. So I would imagine that they were doctors, attorneys, business owners. None of them seemed too happy when I would knock on their door. They would smile in their own fake pretentious way. I was no more than a child to them so why did they perceive my parents lifestyle as my own? I hadn’t even had a chance to grow up. They believed that I would never have what it takes to be in their club. Why were they so sure that I would be poor white trash for the rest of my life? No one wants the destiny of a vagabond, a gypsy if you will. To an insecure teenager a million thoughts enter your mind but you kindly push them aside. It’s all in your head, right?
I never expected to be apart of Tracy’s world But that is the way it happened. Sometimes girls resent “his” friends. However, I fell in love with all of them. I was accepted among his friends. We all had an attraction to each other even if nothing would ever come of it. They were as intriguing as Tracy and in my mind they all belonged to me. Each one had a very personal piece of my being. I was willing to give as much as they would take.
Danny was a straight A student unlike the rest of us thugs. He kept to himself when it came into getting in trouble, but Danny always had something sarcastic to say to anyone and it didn’t matter whom he offended. He loved to show off teachers and how much the teachers didn’t know or how much was left out of text books and Danny was always willing to give the full story in detail precisely the way it really happened. His favorite subject to decipher was history and the many things that was told wrong or left out. Other than that he would rant about how the bible was fictional and that everyone was being controlled (government mind control if you will), and people were putting faith in something that was not real. I would debate him on this and say that faith has nothing to do with the bible and therefore it does not matter what you believe or don’t believe but faith is something more and it is indescribable. I always felt close to him. He loved to read and write. He loved music and was introducing me to new bands all the time. He was the only one that ever read my poetry in the school paper and never gave me shit for it. He was fairly short in height compared to the rest of them; he was Hispanic and had long black curly hair that he would hold back with a black hair tie to match his clothing. I wished I could say that his race never came in as a factor and that no one ever made him feel different but this is the real fucking world and yes, injustices do exist contrary to what you want to hear or believe. It would be Danny that could break and tear me in two he knew me better than most, I thought he knew me better than I knew me.
Jason was always asking me questions. Such as, “Can I touch your tits?” My reply to this was always, “NO“. He knew that my answer would always be no. The boys would always laugh when I would kick him in his stomach or throw something at him. Did he expect a hand job in front of everyone? Did he really think I was that type of girl? Maybe he was only trying to add his own sick humor to the group? The truth is Jason had no other friends and would force his presence when it was not wanted. He would be the one people would talk about behind his back and we all felt relieved if his mother called him home.
Ozzy is not his real name, his real name was Jason but there was already a Jason in the group, and so not to confuse anyone Tracy called him Ozzy and it stuck. Ozzy happened to be an Ozzy fan but that is not why he got the nickname. Ozzy was a heavy drug user just like the real Ozzy. Ozzy was the most beautiful and talented one in the group. All the guys secretly wanted to be him and all the girls I knew wanted to sleep with him. Not me. Ozzy and I had a conversation one time about this very subject. Even though we both admired each other and maybe even found each other attractive we would never see each other in that way. He was like a brother, a long lost friend. Ozzy was good at playing it cool, he would seem the type to be arrogant to other people but quite the contrary he was very kind to me and all of his friends.
Patrick was very quiet and I never really got very close to him but we all knew the same people. From what Ozzy told me he was madly in love with me but was too shy to say anything. How could anyone be too shy to talk to me I thought? That’s insane. To make him feel more comfortable when ever he was around I would never look him in the eye. I knew that if I tried to he would only look down or look away.
He was taller than everyone else and wore his clothes awkwardly like he had grown too fast for his clothes to fit him right. You would catch him tugging at his pants trying to pull them down instead of up like the other boys pants that were too big and showed their under ware when they would walk. In a way I thought him crazy to be that admiring of me, I was only me.
Then there was Britt. He would always show up just as we were rolling a joint. He would always leave as soon as the drugs were gone. I always would watch his glances in my direction. He scared me unlike the other boys. There was something dangerous about him. I kept my distance and I kept my words to a minimum. If there was any need for fear it would have been for him and, for good reasons. He had a reputation of hurting people just for the sake of hurting someone. In a way his sadistic smile reminded me of Katarina. There was no conscience in his mind. Someone who can not feel guilt or shame is someone that could not understand empathy. Empathy is the only thing that I was searching for in another person. Empathy is the real connection to another humans soul. We were all searching for that piece, that one missing blanket to cover our cold bodies ;even for just a moment in sanity.

To me it was bliss. I became friends with his friends; he became friends with my friends. We would talk to each other every day; write to each other every day. This in my mind was the first and the last person I would ever be with. No one would ever compare. When we are infatuated with someone we seem to ignore their shortcomings, the faults and their wrongs just don’t exist.
The pressures that are involved to become sexually active are overwhelming during the beginning of teenage years. Maybe as much for boys as it is girls, I don’t know. I had been accused many times of already having lost my virginity and the truth was that nothing scared me more than the thought of no longer being pure, decent and still having my self worth and hymen intact. I had heard sex does some awful things to the mind. Not to mention the heartache involved. Men feel differently then girls do, my mother said to me. But, if this is the case why did she ever get married? Why does anyone get married and possibly face a life sentence of disappointment? What is the whole scheme? What is the real reason for it all?
About a month later things were starting to become more complicated. His hands were starting to wander and his eyes were not angry but frustrated. It was one night when I had walked away from him in front of his house, he called back after me, Tracy was screaming that he was sorry and that he would stop. I could not give him what he needed and it was best that I just walk away. It was not going to stop and no matter how much I wanted him, he frightened me, no he made me frightened of myself and of what I could do.
I walked home. Mom and dad were not there. It must have been a Tuesday, mom and dad went to the theater every Tuesday night with their friends.
I used my key to unlock the door and was submersed into boxes and trash lying on the floor as I entered the house. It was embarrassing at how bad a house keeper my mother was. I started to pick up the articles of clothing and trash around the entry walk way. I had just finished picking up the last box and crushing it taking it to the trash can in the kitchen.
I made a glass of water. I was so tired and confused from everything. Why can’t everything be as simple as thirst? You are thirsty so you drink. Everything should be as simple as thirst. There was banging on the door. I peeked from around the kitchen corner to stare at the back door. I imagined that it must have been a customer of my mothers so I ignored it. It became louder. “Renee?”
It was him. I ran to open the door to find Tracy standing in front of me, out of breath and his hair lay in his eyes. He smiled at me and picked me up by my waist. There are no words to describe his boyish smile and the way it made everything else slip away. In my mind surrendering to him could not be sweeter. As long as I could see his smile I could do anything. I wrapped my legs around his waist and touched his face as I kissed him.
He kissed me hard. It was forceful but it was a release of everything that been built up. He carried me to the couch. He touched me, grabbed at my clothes. I sat up and touched his face. As we kissed he took off my bra. His hands wandered. This was the first time that I had ever been touched. The burning inside me was rising. I couldn’t keep my breath, I was frightened, and yet it was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt.

Then I heard someone’s car turned into the drive way. At this point I was paranoid that because I was doing something so bad and sinful that at any moment I would be found out and punished accordingly.
We both jumped up, I threw my bra behind the couch and pulled my t-shirt down. We both ran to the door I helped Tracy walk out the front gate, where he would not be seen. He bent down to kiss me and then ran away. “Go, hurry.” He smiled at me when he looked back. I closed the door and started to panic. I ran to the couch, I grabbed my bra and ran up the stairs to hide in the bath. I could be alone in the bathroom to think and maliciously punish myself for the thoughts that I was having.
It came as a complete surprise the next day after school, I walked over to him, and he was sitting at the steps waiting for his ride. All of the River Boys were sitting or standing next to him. I smiled at him, but he would not look me in the eyes. He was avoiding me. Why am I always so paranoid? He couldn’t be avoiding me? We loved each other, didn’t we? “Tracy, what’s wrong?” Everyone had a confused look on their face including me but not Tracy; it was almost crazed at how cool and collected he was at times, nothing got to him. “Fucking go away.” As he said this he got up and pushed away from me. He left me standing there with the rest of the River Boys as I watched him walk away. I still had some dignity, I will not run after him, I thought. His friends stood there staring at me. I turned to Danny. I looked at him through his eyes. If he refuses to stare back he has something to hide. “What’s wrong with him, I asked Danny” “I don’t know, Danny said.” Danny looked away, all of them turned away from me. Their faces were hiding behind their hands, books or hats like the cowards we can all be at times when we are unsure of ourselves or a situation. Relationships can end friendships at the schoolyard so it was best to tread lightly. They knew; they had to know. What am I supposed to do? Run to him? Walk away? Rejection is the only feeling neither a parent nor anyone can really prepare us for. What do you say, “one day you would fall madly in love with someone and they will not feel the same?” Where do you go from here and how do you handle these feelings? “Look at me?” For that brief second Danny’s eyes met mine. I pulled at his shirt sleeve. He looked as if he were about to cry. I released his shirt from my fingers. “I don’t want get involved. It’s between you and Tracy.” Danny bent down to pick up his books and then stepped to the curb to motion his ride to him. I turned around and looked at the rest of them. All of them proudly humped over looking at the ground and pretending that what lie at their feet was more important than a human being, a friend, their friend, in pain was standing in front of them begging for help. This was pointless and I knew where their faith and loyalty lie and it wasn’t with me.
I must leave. I can not let anyone see me break down. The books that I was holding close to my chest, I grasped that much closer. The tears were coming and so I walked away slowly at first to make it seem as if nothing were wrong and as soon as they were all out of sight I ran as fast as I could. I still felt their eyes upon me. It is when you break down and lose control that the whole world wants to watch you. I was a puppet stuck in this nightmarish game of tug and pull between friends and foes. I picked up the pace and ran back into the building and straight to the bathroom. I cried. I fell to my knees throwing my books and bag against the tiled wall. There was no one in there, no one would here me. I let go. I cried so much that I became sick to my stomach; I threw up in the toilet. “Are you okay? What happened?” Erica stood behind the stall. I turned around to see from underneath in the space between the stall door and the floor her feet slowly pacing back and forth. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fucking great. Please, just go.” I wanted to be alone. “Okay, well, I guess just call me tonight. Are you sure you’re okay then?” “Yeah, I’ll be fine.” There was no need for anyone to witnesses this. It’s not like it mattered much though. The word would get around and soon everyone would be running their mouths behind my back and kept locked tight in my presence.
I waited until I heard her foot steps echo on the floor and the bathroom door open and close before I came out of the stall. I flushed to toilet and wiped my mouth. I walked to the mirror to look at the foolish girl that I had become. A pleasantly plump, red faced, girl that I must live with day in and day out.
Who am I kidding? There are no happy endings at least not in seventh grade anyway. I laughed at the reflection and curiously waited for her to respond back to me. There was only cold silence and the empty blue eyes to talk back. I washed my face and wiped with the bottom of my shirt.
I picked up my things and walked outside. I made my way to the front entrance where my mother would be waiting for me. Before I could step in to the car and block out the day I saw Tracy holding another girl in his arms. My mouth dropped and my legs were going to collapse. I turned away, I walked as if nothing was wrong and nothing was happening. If I showed any sign of being upset my mother may want to talk to me. Since Katarina is gone she has focused her energy in on me. I was her target. It was I that would be her masterpiece. I had no intention of ever living up to it. The best that I could do was only enough to get by. It was best if I pretended everything was fine.
I opened the door to my mother’s car and turned around once more after shoving my things into the backseat of the car. He was laughing and hugging her, the same way he used to hold me only yesterday. You could say that I felt betrayed and I did feel betrayed but not by Tracy. I betrayed myself in ever believing that I could have him. He belonged to no one and next week he will not belong to the girl he is holding.
So, this is it? This is my first heart break. I didn’t want to rip the other girls head off like so many girls do. I didn’t even want to hurt him. I just wanted him to turn around and look at me and only me. Just look at me? I wanted to scram out, “please, look at me, Tracy?”
I got into the car. “How was your day?” She had to ask me that. My response, “Fine.” This was always my response to this question; it was not any different today. What should I say? My heart is breaking and there is nothing that you can do about it. How was your day, mom?
I still felt that I loved him. What I could not understand is why do I still love him? Even at this very moment of humiliation I wanted to be near him. That is all I ever wanted from him. Is that what you call love, or obsession? Whatever it was I wanted it to go away.
The hardest part is that I really don’t know what went wrong. There were no words of “it’s not you, it’s me”. He had nothing to say to me. I had no closure and no peace of mind.
The more I thought about it the more my head hurt, the more my head hurt the more I cried. The light was hurting my head, noise was hurting my head. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted to make the world stop just for an hour or two. Imagine if the world stopped for every girl who needed to lick her wounds? The world would never rotate again.
I slipped past mom downstairs and into the kitchen unnoticed. She was making Butter Beans on the stove, slowly stirring and adding spices and butter while she did. She never once looked up to see me. Her attention was on the stove. She was beautiful right at that moment. Her hair swept up in a bun and bits of hair fell just right over the sides of her face. The years have not been kind to her. But she was still lovely to me. She had come out of the other side of a dark path and was much better for it. I do not carry the burdens that she had in her childhood. I see that now. Her job was to only do better for me and she had accomplished this. So, why do I despise her? If I had told her what was happening to me she would only say, “There’s more fish in the sea, honey.” “Yeah, you too mom.”
The butter smell was sticking to my skin. I felt almost lightheaded from that smell. I could stay and gorge on the aroma alone and not need to eat for a week.
I opened the fridge and found beer and cold sun tea. The tea I am sure was sickly sweet and had been left inside the fridge for days. I never drank any alcohol before, but it was a better choice, I thought. My dad could be having the worst day ever and when he would have a drink or two he would make his rounds around the house going from room to room telling us how much he loved us. He could wallow in self pity and doubt and in the morning all would be better, all would be forgotten and forgiven. Maybe a beer is what I needed. Maybe I could find the courage to call Tracy and ask him why he did what he did. He might tell me he’s sorry and everything would be okay. I grabbed the beer and shoved it underneath my shirt; I tightened the flannel around my waist doing my best to camouflage the bottle. I stepped beside mom and glided my hand above the cabinet in front of her. I reached for the little aspirin bottle above her head. I closed the cabinet and briefly turned to her. I was right next to her and she didn’t even look. She was zombie like. Staring and stirring the beans on the stove. I want her to see me. I would love to be caught and for this reason I don’t know why. I can not think of one explanation for wanting to be caught.
I walked up the stairs flipping the cap off of the pills as I walked. I sat down on my bed and poured half the bottle into my mouth and I swallowed them down with the bitter taste of the beer, or maybe it was the aspirin that was bitter, I couldn’t tell? I threw the pills and beer down my throat three or four times until the whole bottle was gone. I was stupid. I figured that the more I took the more it would help my head. Or maybe I was testing the boundaries, how much could I take before I died?
At this point in time everything that I had thought was real had been altered. I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. Which ones are friends, enemies? How do they all see me? I want to know how someone that I cared for deeply had hurt me without an explanation, maybe this wasn’t really happening and if I take the pills and drink the beer it may make everything disappear.
I drank the first bottle of beer and then two and then three. By this time taking the beer out of the fridge was easy. Mom and dad had settled down to watch television and they never even noticed that I had come downstairs. 100 pills were now gone and swimming in my belly. I slipped on my bed and fell to the floor.
I laughed as I hit the floor. Looking up at the ceiling I can see traces of failing sunlight entering from my window and ending in my room. The sunlight stops here, I thought. Everything stops here.
The room spun, I was going to be sick. My stomach is coming into my chest. If I hadn’t drank so much I would have been able to make it to the bathroom. I lie on my back but I pushed with my feet to roll over on to my stomach. I sat like a filthy dog on my hands and knees staring down into the carpet. The cheap dirty carpet, stained with dirt and grime from shoes and possibly an animal. Whoever lived here before must have had an animal. I can smell the nasty creature. The smell intensified and made me that much more nauseous.
I swayed back and forth on my knees; my eyes burned and started to close halfway allowing only a few inches of sight before me.
As I was getting sick my father knocked on the door. He walked in without my permission as he always has. “What’s wrong with you?” I raised my eyes to see my father standing in the doorway. “BRENDA! Come here.” My mother ran up the stairs, and walked into the disgusting mess that I had made on the carpet. She looked around the room and found the bottles or beer sticking out from underneath my bed. The little bottle of aspirin lay on top of my pillow gone and empty. I had to smile as I looked up at them both. They will want an explanation for this but the only explanation that I can give is; “I just wanted to know if I could get away with it.”

“Are you okay?” Her voice was soft and sweet, she was concerned. She held my hair away from my face. My dad got a wet wash cloth and placed it on my neck.
Then they left. “Just fucking go away?” I wish I could. I wish I could go away, Tracy. I would never have to look at you and feel the fucking sickness that I feel right now.
I fell asleep. I awoke as my mom was changing me and putting me into my night clothes. I lay down on my bed. I grabbed the pillow and threw the empty bottle of pills to the floor. As I closed my eyes I kept thinking about him and the other girl. Who was she? And who was I?
I wished for sleep or death that night. Like clock work every thirty minutes I would lean over the bed to throw up in the bucket that mother had sat there just for that purpose. Anything would have been fine except for the aching. What have I done to myself? Now that my brain is working again I realize just how pathetic my plan was? Tracy has no conscious therefore if I had killed myself he would not feel guilt or sadness. I will Have to take him down another way.
Sleep did come and of course I did live. Tracy and I no longer spoke and when I saw him at school I did my best to pretend he didn’t matter. I never wanted him to know how much he hurt me.
Erica knew the truth and only she knew what really happened that night that I tried to kill myself. It was embarrassing to tell her the truth. I found it surprising that she understood and she never once told me how incredibly stupid my scheme was. I felt incredibly lucky to have her as my friend. I may have lost Tracy but now I know how much more Erica meant to me. Erica said, “The moments that I had with Tracy is something that belongs to me. I have the power to embrace it but I also have the power to leave it. Relationships she said was a never ending exchange of taking and giving of our souls.” I can not bear him having a part of me, a part of my soul. Maybe I misunderstood what she was trying to tell me at that time. I focused in on revenge. I must take what was mine by force and in the meantime take down the River Boy club. If I can’t hurt Tracy, I will tear the River Boy’s apart. So, this is my chance to become something bigger and better than what I was before.
I am part of the boy club. I am the only girl allowed in the tree house and every girl wants to know what it’s really like. “Don’t you wish I would tell you,” I would always say grinning as I did. To tell you the truth it was not that different from the girls club except that dicks swing between their legs. Boys are so funny. They believe that their penis’s make them what they are. Bullshit. If you take their parts away they are still boys. Boys even feel and have dreams the same way we do. Boys can even cry contrary to popular belief. I even saw it with my own eyes.
I played games with their heads. I built them up only to break them. Jason was the first one I took down. We would go out, he would tell me how beautiful and perfect I was and the whole time I am thinking about how I could humiliate him. I knew how he felt about me; I didn’t feel the same way. I had ulterior motives. If I could use his friends I could get back at him. This was never a well thought out plan and I wasn’t sure how it was going to work in the end.

I broke up with him in his mother’s car as she was driving me home. He whispered. “I love you.” I whispered back to him, “I think I could get a better looking boyfriend, don’t you? I think we should just be friends.” I smiled at him and stepped out of the car to watch him hold his head down in the backseat as his mother drove him away. I laughed. I felt powerful at making another person cry.
One by one, I went through all of them. The only one’s I dare not touch was Ozzy and Danny. The two of them never did anything to anyone. I left Ozzy alone because he wasn’t interested and I wasn’t interested in hurting someone who I couldn’t get to in the first place. I felt connected to Danny. I wanted to be in his good graces. I was really in love with Danny but I would never tell anyone, well, not until now.
The boys came and went. I ran out of ideas on how to hurt them. It became more of a chore at the end and less about revenge.
Jason was easy because he had no self esteem and was self conscious about his looks. When it came down to it I was nothing to the River boys; I was only a thing to conquer. Each one wanted to be the one to say they had tamed me. Tracy I am sure told them he had slept with me otherwise why would the boys stand in line only for me to knock them down? Who would be the next to fuck Renee? It got old and after all was said and done I walked away with a few friends and many pissed off boys. Danny and Ozzy were the only ones standing by my side at the end of the year.
Though the River boys still remained friends I had exposed their weaknesses, told lies to other class mates and did my best to tear them apart. I was lucky that none of them came back in retaliation. If they had ever been brilliant enough to take me out of the picture they could have and there wouldn’t have been a damn thing I could do about it. No one looked at each other the same way. In the end I did what I had set out to do, expose the River Boys for pieces of shit. They all had a turn at me and they all failed, that was good enough for me.
What is lunch time to teenagers? For most; it is a way to find your cliques, hopefully not sit alone, and enjoy the slop that the school calls food. I never had to eat alone. I always had Vanessa and Erica to sit with. Erica and I would swap notes, silly surveys, basic normal girl shit. Erica and I had no real enemies and we were no real threat to anyone. Vanessa on the other hand was every girls nightmare. I know I mentioned how beautiful she was but I don’t think you really understand. She had a grace when she walked but she was tough as well. She could hang with the dopers on a Saturday night and come Sunday walk into church with her wings and halo attached. Unlike any other 7th grader she was 5’9 and 120 pounds and wore a DD bra. She was a true beauty that never needed implants or plastic surgery, she was born perfect. I guess when the bitches that have to pay for their tits and lips caught a glimpse of her it was all over.
Vanessa had just started her modeling and was the envy of the Dooney and Bourke bitches. Actually even I was a bit jealous because I figured she would never stray and things between us girls would stay the same. But, that’s not the case. Vanessa started to become missing on the weekends and after school. She was the next best thing and we were just her part time friends. Vanessa never put on airs though, she never even mentioned her modeling. Someone else would bring up the subject and she would quietly smile and say, “let’s change the subject”. Like I said she was graceful.
Back to the lunch thing. You see there was the table in the very back that we could be found at. Us girls managed to stay under the radar. But the Dooney and Bourke bitches just couldn’t leave Vanessa alone, they singled her out. Nichole had taken a seat back and had left the dirty work up to her friends or it could have been that she was dropped by them, I wasn’t sure and I really didn’t give a shit anymore.
Erica, Vanessa, Joanna, Jennifer and few other girls including myself sat huddled trading ring pops and algebra homework when Kristine the most famous Dooney and Bourke out of the whole bunch came striding up next to Vanessa. She wore a wool grey plaid overall skirt with a crème shirt underneath, precise and erect knee highs to match the shirt along with some grey Mary Jane heels and of course the famous Dooney and Bourke lay against her side attached at the shoulder. Her grin was more sinister than the Cheshire cat.
“Hey Vanessa?” Vanessa never even turned her head to face her. We were all ignoring her hoping that she would just walk away. Kristine was not welcome and we never invited her to sit down but she did. “Let’s go, guys”, I said. I stood and was about to leave when Vanessa pulled me back down. I looked over at her, she was staring at Kristine begging her to open her mouth or to shut off her pig face smile. The smile faded as Kristine began her speech. “How are you girls doing? Are you enjoying your lunch? We’re not. We were wondering if you could move a bit further away because the smell of fish is really offending some of us.” “Fuck you, why don’t you try showering you fucking whore?” I couldn’t help myself and before I knew it the whole table had exploded in laughter. Vanessa had spat her gravy and mashed potatoes out of her mouth and landed on her chin. All of us were splitting our sides from laughter and by this time the whole lunch room had turned their attention on us.
Kristine turned on her heels. “By the way Vanessa I think you have cum on your chin, you might want to try to remember to wipe after you spit.” Did she just say what I think she said?
Vanessa leapt on top of her chair, leapt on top of the table and jumped down on the other side to face Kristine. Vanessa jumped on top of Kristine before any of us had a chance to stop her. What was amazing to me is that Vanessa gave no warning, she said nothing to Kristine before she slammed down on top of her in the cafeteria. Vanessa began punching Kristine in her face and every time she did this you could hear the thud of Kristine’s skull hitting the floor.
A large crowd had formed and everyone was screaming, spitting, chanting. Not that I could hear anything at all. I could only hear the oh so common sound of fist to face. I tried to break my way inside the protective circle but kept being pushed from one side to the other. It seemed forever before Vanessa was pried away from Kristine and I could still not see over the twenty or so people that was blocking me out.
Vanessa emerged from the broken crowd being half pulled by her arms by Mr. Losack himself. Her hands we covered in blood and her eyes filled with tears. I tried to get close but was yelled at from a teacher behind me.
“Renee, what happened? I’m sure your friends were up to no good.” “Is that what you think?” She stared at me with that oh so common holier than though expression. “If that’s what you think why should I say anything?” I walked past her pushing my shoulder against her as I did.
I was tired of being trash. We’re never good enough, never smart enough, never rich enough. Why do we even get out of bed in the morning, what’s the point? Please, someone tell me.
Vanessa broke Kristine’s nose. Even though Kristine started the whole thing it was Vanessa that was expelled. Not only was Vanessa expelled her mother sent her to live with her grandmother in Alabama that same week. Not Erica nor myself even got the chance to say goodbye to her.
I got a letter from Vanessa in the mail that following week with a return address from Altoona, Alabama. She exclaimed that she missed all of us and that she was sorry. Sorry for what? She didn’t do anything wrong except stand up for herself.
My friendship with Erica became even closer now that Vanessa was gone.
I became self destructive too. I wanted to fight anyone, anywhere. The Vanessa incident was a spark for my revolt against social class. When something bad happened at school everyone would point their fingers at me. “Renee, she’s a trouble maker, comes from a bad home, she does drugs, has sex.” Yes, most of the time it was me too that had caused whatever problem had arose.
I can’t deny that the end of year dance wasn’t my fault. I did play a big part that night but it was Tracy that was my inspiration. Kurt Cobain killed himself that year. Nirvana was everywhere and I felt that my ears would bleed if I heard, “smells like teem spirit”, one more time. Parents and teachers were all afraid that at any moment there would be a mass suicide. Kurt was the voice of our generation and he couldn’t deal with the atrocities life threw at him how could the generation that loved him not want to kill themselves as well? Everything was over the edge. At the dance they had refused to play, “Smells like teen spirit”. What they had expected was a mass riot. What happened was not far from it.

The principal Mr. Losack stood up to the microphone to tell us how proud he was of the 1993-1994 school year. To reward us he said he will let us hear Nirvana. “It will be the last song of the night and this will be our last time at school, after tonight we will have the whole summer to prepare ourselves for the new exciting 1994-1995 school year. However, there will be no crowd surfing and no mosh pitting. If anyone is caught they will be punished accordingly. Have fun and I will see you all next year.” Everyone was clapping and cheering. Tracy stood not five feet from where I stood. I had to laugh at the animosity that showed on his face. I licked my lips and blew him a kiss. He flipped me off. “Hey, Renee do you surf?” I could barley hear Tracy from over the screaming and jumping of hundreds of kids. Tracy wanted to crowd surf which was strictly off limits. Sure why not? I only wanted thrills. I wanted an eternal adrenaline rush. I walked backwards as the intro started, Tracy followed suit. As Kurt started to sing, “Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello”, we both ran to see who would make it to the stage to be the first to jump off. I was much smaller and faster than he was besides I didn’t have to pick up my sagging pants as I ran.
I had to crawl up on to the stage because it was nearly six feet high. I put one leg on top of that stage and rolled. Everyone started screaming and laughing at me as I stood tall in front of the whole student body. I was not known by some of my peers but the ones that did know who I was started to scream my name. I felt nearly invincible. Tracy hobbled up to stand next to me but I pushed him aside and got behind him where I pushed him off into the crowd. He was caught and started to be carried close to the back of the gym. I spun around and bowed. I then tightened my old flannel shirt around my waist and tucked my short black hair behind my ears. I jumped and I was caught but just as I was caught the music was turned off and the lights were turned on, I was pulled down by my hair. I fell to the floor and looked up to see none other the principal. “Did you think you were going to get away with this?” Everyone started to scream and push and shove. Chairs were being thrown, the whole place was being torn apart by angry, and confused teenagers.
I was dragged out by my wrist. I walked closer to the exit and turned to look back at the impressive sight that flew in front of me. I was pulled along down the hall. Tracy was being marched in front of me by the 8th grade coach. Without looking at Mr. Losack I had to ask, “Am I going to be punished?” “If I have my way you won’t ever step foot in this school again.” What had I done that was so wrong anyway? So, I dived off of a stage but, I didn’t start the mob and neither did Tracy. If he really didn’t want us to stage dive he shouldn’t have said NOT to stage dive. He only encouraged us to fuck up by asking us not to fuck up.
Tracy and I sat in the foyer waiting for our parents. Mr. Losack stood over us. The campus police had stopped the fighting in the gym. From what I heard no one was harmed and no one got in trouble. No one except me and Tracy. Tracy was a River Boy, the most he would suffer were a few weeks in solitaire at the beginning of next school year. I was no one and my parents did not own the school board in their pockets like some of the River Boys and other River Trails Kids.

Tracy grabbed my hand. “I think we’re in trouble.” “Wow, I never knew you were so bright?” He let go of my hand and pushed me away. “He whispered. “Why do you have to be such a bitch? I’m only trying to…” “Shut the fuck up. If you wanted me at all you could have had me. It’s only now that you feel I’m dangerous that you want me. It’ll be over by tomorrow.” “So, that’s it?”
I stood up to look out the glass door. Cars were pulling up and driving away just as fast. As much as I wanted to be Tracy’s partner in crime or for that matter his partner in anything his very presence pissed me off. His moods and mind changed so much that I didn’t really know who he was or who he wasn’t.
“Miss. Sedlaczek, sit down!” I sat back against the tiled wall with my face turned to Tracy. “I’m scared”, I whispered. As exciting as it was to brazen and daring, to be one of the boys, I am frightened at that moment of what dad was going to do to me.
Tracy smiled and scooted closer to me. “Don’t be scared. What can they do to you that can really hurt you? What, expel you from school? They wouldn’t do that because they wouldn’t do it to me. Besides if they did give you different treatment than what they give me your mom would have a law suit. Relax they can’t touch you.” I felt a little more at ease but I was never afraid of what the school was going to do to me, it was dad that I feared. I could never tell Tracy of my situation at home. It is not something he would comprehend. No one I knew would understand so it is best to leave it where it was, at home.
Walking up from the parking lot I saw my mother and Tracy’s mother coming in to the school.
Tracy squeezed my hand than stood up and stepped away from me.

Tracy’s mother Angela walked over to her son ignoring Mr. Losack’s request to talk privately. She stood in front of her son he cowered in front of her. He dropped his eyes and his head to the floor. “I suppose that this is the young lady you got in trouble?” I turned my head away and buckled to the floor. My mother stood talking to Mr. Losack, no doubt she was signing my fate.
“Is this what you do? Get your friends in trouble, let them take the wrap for you?” Angela grabbed her son by the arm and pulled him up off of the floor. I watched as the two walked away. There is no way he is getting out of this one. Maybe Tracy would understand being bullied at home. Maybe he and I were not so different after all and I have been punishing someone all year who I though was a spoiled, privileged pig.
I said nothing as he and his mom walked away. I only hoped that I would see him again. I had been fighting him for all these months and it was only because I was fighting myself for how I felt. Stupid? It is stupid. Now that I think about it, I only wanted him because he rejected me. I never really loved him, I only wanted him for selfish reasons.
Not only did I fail my first year of junior high school but I had managed to be punished my second year of junior high school before I had even started. I would spend more than one month in AEP. AEP stood for alternative education program which happens to be just a really nice way of saying that I would spend every moment of that month of school in a small room by myself in solitary confinement. It was jail for junior high kids.
Tracy even got longer. Tracy would spend more than two months in AEP. Everyone that was interviewed said that Tracy had started it. Tracy even said that he had started it and it was not my fault at all.

But, it was my fault. I didn’t have to do anything but I did. I had showed everyone in the school that I was not afraid of anyone or anything. I was even impressed at the way I handled the situation. The truth was I was just a scared little girl who only wanted to pretend that she was the same as anyone else and worthy even of admiration and respect.
Nothing is at it seems to be. Junior High School is nothing but a façade.

Chapter Five: Summer Redemption

2009-06-08T16:02:00.000-07:00

My mother grounded me for nearly the whole summer. It didn’t matter though at that point, it couldn’t have gotten any worse. If anything I was disappointed in myself. I could have tried to pass and I didn’t have to stage dive at the dance. I didn’t want to be in seventh grade again and I had succeeded in punishing and beating myself up but not before mom had her way with me.
I was sentenced that summer to my sister’s house. Which in a way was what I referred to as my sister’s concentration camp. Basically, mother gets rid of me but knows where I am at all times. Katarina gets a free nanny out of the situation. It was a win, win situation for mother and Katarina and I was merely the girl sold into slavery.
Three days after my incident at the school dance I packed my bags to stay at Katarina’s for a week. I would only be gone a week there and be back for a week at home. The time that I was home I would have chores to do in the house.
I arrived at my sister’s house early that morning. She lived on a quiet, beautiful street almost a replica of River Trails but this was in the elite Richardson in the early 90’s and Richardson, Texas was in a league all it‘s own and could never compare. The real kings and queens lived here and Katarina had done fairly well for herself without ever having to work a real job or have any other responsibilities in her life; she didn’t even have to care for her own kids. That’s what I was for. She was good at manipulating any situation to her advantage, even people that she supposedly loved.
On more than one occasion she could have me believing the worst in my family. Mom and dad were monsters and it was all my fault. I should have never been born. It was because of me that her life turned out the way it had. Even though I myself was just a child when father was at his worst, it came down to the fact that I was his daughter and I would always come first. This was a coping mechanism for not having to blame herself for her own actions.
My sister is lost. She does not know the difference between love and hate. It is my sister that I feared and no one else. Imagine if you will a person without conscience. Katarina was capable of horrible unfathomable things and it never once creeps up in her mind that she is doing something wrong. There is no guilt or shame in her soul. The whole world owes my sister an apology for not giving her everything she wants. Is this really anyone’s fault? She is beautiful in every way and I want to have what she has but I don’t want to be empty like her. I never heard her speak of heartbreak, desires, goals or ambitions. Katarina had no time for such things. Katarina only wanted instant gratification and if you got in her way she would stomp you.
She had everyone fooled but, I knew what she was. Katarina is and always will be a sociopath.
Katarina opened the door and I watched as my mom drove off. I guess there was no need for mom to come inside, she could always call later to see if I was alright. She and I avoided talking to each other these days. She didn’t even say goodbye to me.
Katarina opened the door wider and grabbed my bag that I was holding. “We’re leaving tonight. Jordan wants to go out. Dinner is already made and sitting in the fridge. Just warm it up and, serve it. There are snacks and drinks in the fridge.” She stopped in her footsteps, turned and looked at me with her sickly sweet smile that made me want to bash her face in. “but, maybe you should start by serving breakfast?” I walked inside the house and closed the door behind me. She kept talking but I ignored most of it. It was the same thing, don’t do this, don’t do that. It was the same routine. I bit my tongue and only glanced in her direction once or twice to make her think that I was paying attention.
She turned on her heels, “do you understand?”
“Yeah.” I looked up to see her face. Her nose had a way of twitching when she was frustrated. I am sure in my sisters mind she was doing my mother a favor by me being here. “You can go swimming after we get back, I don’t want you outside when the kids are in here even if you do have the baby monitor and the kids are asleep. You are to watch them and not leave them alone.“ These words have such irony. I keep biting my tongue until it is nearly bleeding.
She walked me to the game room. “You can stay in here.“ She walked out of the room and left me standing there. My bags left sitting in the corner. The pool table sat in the middle of the floor. From the ceiling to the floor wooden shelves wrapped around the walls. There were trophies and sports cards and pictures lined up like a museum. I had a beautiful view of the pool and the garden from the bay window. The summer heat has not come out. The morning sun is barely touching down. Heat has no mercy upon my fair skin. Just as my family had no mercy upon me.
I heard Stephanie’s little footsteps in the hallway. I turned from the window and the morning sun. She poked her little head in the room grinning as she did. “Come here, babe.” I picked her up and held her in my arms. She smelled clean and had gotten so much bigger since last time I had seen her. I truly didn’t mind being with the kids. It wasn’t as bad as I make it out to be. I really loved them very much. Stephanie and Anna had a way of grounding me and bringing me back to reality. I wish I could remember innocence. I long to hold that piece of sanity. Before there were decisions and good intentions gone bad. It’s hard to remember everything from that age but I remember how much I had looked up to my sister and her friends. I wanted to be a good example for the two of them and I tried, I tried really hard to show Stephanie and Anna love the best way I knew how.
I went through the motions, the kids were fed, and Anna the youngest was still on a bottle but Stephanie could eat what Katarina had prepared for the two of us.
It was nearly dark now and Katarina and Jordan were getting ready to leave. I heard my sister shouting that she had nothing to where. Jordan was saying for her to go shopping and buy something. There is no time she shouted.
They both left and my sister was in a huff. Like always I stayed out of her way and under her radar. I finished the dishes and quickly turned back to the kids.
After I had rocked Anna to sleep and laid her down in her crib. I checked on Stephanie and she was still quietly playing in her room. I started to read to her in her bed and it only took two books for her to finally give up fighting sleep. I turned on the baby monitor; and I walked outside to the pool. I sat there for a long while listening to the children breathing and watching the ripples in the pool as the wind picked up. The winds were strong this time of year since we were in Tornado alley I always feared that at any moment a twister would fall out of the sky and as twister’s were sometimes referred to as the finger of God I was sure he would come looking for me first.
Katarina and Jordan had been gone now for nearly two hours and I didn’t expect them home any time soon.
I saw tail lights coming down the alley. I heard shouts and car doors were slammed.
I tiptoed along the stepping stones balancing as I did. I slid the door open in to the living area and quietly closed it behind me. I sat down in the lounge chair and turned on the television.
A few moments later my sister came walking inside; Jordan pushed through her and walked in to the back toward their bedroom. My sister was fuming, she was angry about something. Come to think of it I found it to be quite funny, not in an amusing way but she wasn’t pissed at me meaning that I would not have to be hit or kicked at. She was still violent that way. But not living with her anymore the torture had stopped.
“Come on, she said as she grabbed my shirt sleeve. “Where, are we going?” I thought you wanted to go swimming?” “No, it’s late out and it‘s chilly outside.” “WELL, JUST COME OUTSIDE THEN?” She raised her voice at me. I knew I must get up because if I refused she could force me to do more chores. If I did not obey her my mother would have heard about it, making my summer worse than it already was.
I stood and smoothed my pants before walking to the door. She opened the door and I followed behind her. She lit a cigarette and sat down on a lawn chair facing the pool. I sat down next to her. “I know you smoke.” She pushed a cigarette my way. “No, I don’t.” “What ever.” If I say yes, all you’ll do is turn around and tell mom, why would I trust you?” She looked almost hurt at my words. It was then that I realized that she was trying to be nice, and whatever had happened between her and Jordan must have really upset her. She became very quiet and inhaled her cigarette. We both sat in silence as she smoked her cigarette. She threw the butt over the fence and walked away. As she was almost inside the door she looked back at me. “I left the cigarettes on the table if you want one.”
She walked back inside and left me sitting there. I almost felt bad about lashing out at her.
I saw the light in her bathroom turn on and I knew that she could not see me.
I reached for the open pack of cigarettes on the table and lit one in my mouth. I walked over to the fence and sat down against the tall wooden fence. If anyone walked by they could not see me. I folded my knees to my chest. This fucking sucks.
I could be anywhere but here.
I finished my cigarette and walked back in to the house. I closed the door and went and grabbed a Coke out of the fridge I walked to my room and closed the door. I turned on my radio. The words rang so true poring from my radio. “ I, oh, I’m still alive, Hey I, oh, I’m still alive, Hey I, but, I’m still alive, Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”
I would have been in darkness if it wasn’t for the lack of blinds in the room. The lights from the garden came flooding in only to distort my thoughts even more. Funny, in my younger years I couldn’t sleep in a dark room and now the darkness is comforting. If a room is dark enough no one can see you, hear you, they don’t know you’re there.
I fell asleep but only as the sun was starting to rise. Within a few hours Stephanie was lying next to me curled up in my blanket and sucking her thumb. I watched as her little fingers wrapped around her hair and her eyes started to close. “Are you hungry?” Stephanie’s eyes popped open and her face turned into a smile. Her smile covered her whole face. She giggled and sat up. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” I went to the restroom and washed up.
When I came back Stephanie was digging through my bag and putting my shirts on. She had strewn CD’S and books all over the place all in the span of five minutes. She giggled and ran out leaving a trail of my things behind her. I tried throwing everything back in the bag as fast as possible before Stephanie moved on to another room in the house. I had to be as quiet and proficient as possible so I did not wake Katarina up.
I picked up the baby, changed her diaper and put her in a little pink dress hanging from her closet. I sat Stephanie down in the floor with books while I tended to Anna. It was quite easy once you figure out how to occupy one child while you tend to the other. I think I almost have this down.
I changed Stephanie into her swim suit. She refused to wear anything else and I decided to appease her today. It seemed too small to battle her about her swim suit.
I walked into the kitchen and sat Stephanie in her high chair. I held Anna on my hip while I poured the milk and cereal into her Barney bowl. While Stephanie ate I fed Anna her rice cereal with formula. It smelled horrible. Is it necessary to feed this crap to infants?

I threw the dishes in the sink, I can do them later.
So, that we would not wake Katarina the kids and I played in the back yard. There was a sand box and shovels on the opposite side of the pool. We played. I showed Stephanie how to make shapes in the sand with her rake. She acted as if no one ever talked or interacted with her. I felt sad and ashamed. I don’t want to be here I thought. Then I think that if didn’t do it, who would? It is my duty. But, why is it my duty?
Jordan was already gone to work but sometimes he would drop by for lunch and bring pizza home with him. Maybe he will come today? I hope he comes before Katarina wakes up. I hate asking her for anything, especially asking her to get me or even the kids anything. I would have thought that she would want to get up and be with her children? She says that her child hood was dysfunctional but I don’t see her making an attempt to make her children’s lives any better.
I heard banging and coughing coming from the open bathroom window. Katarina is up.
I stood up and placed Anna on my hip. I tip toed over to her window.
“Good morning.” She slammed the window down without responding to me. I walked back over to the sand box watching Stephanie bury her feet in the sand.
Katarina came walking out the sliding door and slipping in to the chair. She watched us for awhile. I looked back and waved to her. She sat motionless.
“Stephanie, mama’s up.” She turned her head and then went back to burying herself up to her knees.
“Come on, let’s go say hi to mommy.” I walked away and looked back to see if she was following me. She dusted the sand off of her little legs and came hobbling after me.
“It’s too early.” That’s all Katarina said to us. I wondered that if I wasn’t here right this very minute where would the children be.
I took the children back inside. I sat Stephanie in the tub and kept my eye on her while I changed Ann’s diaper.
It would be lunch time soon. I need to think about what to feed Stephanie. I was hoping that Jordan would come back for lunch but I guess he got tied up or could it be that he stays away so often because he can’t stand the sight of his wife.
I wrapped Stephanie in a towel and helped her change in to a little dress and carried both of the kids to the dinning room table. Stephanie sat up in her booster chair while I carried Anna with me to the kitchen to make us a sandwich. Unfortunately there was not much to chose form but improvising was not a problem for me.
Stephanie dug into her toasted bread with Jelly while I warmed up Anna’s bottle and prepared her baby green beans. I love the jars they are small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. It’s easy to hold while I am trying to use my hands for a million different things at once.
I glimpse for a moment at my sister sitting outside. Her legs are crossed in the chair and she is sitting humpbacked with her head in her hands.
My God who is she?
I lay the kids down for their nap and turn on the baby monitor. I take Katarina a Jelly sandwich and sit across from her at the table. She is biting her nails which one finger has started to bleed but she keeps on biting regardless of how much pain it is causing her.

“I made you something to eat.” I pushed the plate closer to her. “I’m not hungry. You eat.” She pushed the plate back to me. “Are you okay?” I threw a piece of the sandwich in my mouth and chewed all the while I am staring back at her waiting for a response.
“No.” She took half of the sandwich and started to eat with me. For the smallest moment I looked at her as a human being, a woman with thoughts and feelings and most importantly my sister.
I turned up the baby monitor, Katarina turned it down. She looked at me as if something was about to come out of her mouth. What do I do? I grabbed her hand and moved closer to her. I must have scared her by being that close because she shrugged away from me.
“I don’t love him. I want to leave but I can’t.” I was stunned. I never expected her to tell me the truth. “Just go then“, I said leaning back in my chair. She got quiet and I was trying to read her thoughts. It was the money. I knew it was. If she left she lost everything. Even money would outweigh her happiness or maybe it was the money itself that was the key to her happiness. God, I could never be her but yet I understand. Just as her I grew up with nothing.
She stopped and looked up at me. She wiped her eyes and she stood up. “The kids are sleeping, right?” “Yeah, I just put them down. Why?” “Come in side with me.” She opened the sliding door and walked in. I rose and followed behind her. For the first time I didn’t fear her I felt sorry for her.
We walked in to her room and she stopped at the closet and opened the door. Not just any closet stood before me. It was my sister’s second bedroom. I had never seen so many clothes. She had them separated by fabric, color, and season. She started to hand me dresses, shorts, shoes, purses. “Try them on.” “Right now? You want me to try them on now?” “Yeah. Come on, it’s not like you have anything I don’t. I’m not going to bite you. Just try them on.” “Okay.”
I did what she asked me to and started to try on the clothes for her. While I did so she gathered up some department bags and started putting the clothes that I tried on and liked in the bags.
“Are you giving all of these to me?” “Why not? I can buy more.” I shook my head and put on my own clothes before going and checking on the children.
The kids were still sleeping quietly but if I let them sleep any longer they won’t sleep tonight. I got the kids up and got them ready to go back outside to play.
Katarina helped this time and even joined in with us in the pool. I held on to Stephanie and Katarina held on to Anna. We floated in the pool and played with the kids.
Right here. Stop right here. This is my picture. If I can remember her at any time and at any place. It is at this moment. She is generous and loving. She could be a friend, a confidant and most importantly my sister.
The week with Katarina and the kids flew by. I had a blast being with her. We liked the same music and the same clothes. I talked to her about Tracy and I even mentioned why I was really grounded. She laughed and told me that I was stupid but what I did was nothing compared to what she did at my age.
She had a way of telling me what she thought but it was without judging me. She never judged me.

She took me home Sunday afternoon. I had gotten up earlier that morning and fed the kids and got them dressed before Katarina got up. She is not herself early in the morning and I accept that. I gather my things after breakfast and wait for her to come around.
Today she is even in more of a bad mood than I have seen her all week. She slams cabinet doors and raises her voice at me and the kids. Now is a great time to get back home.
Katarina and I are alone in the car. “Are you okay?” She flicks her ashes out of the sunroof and then shifts into fifth gear. “I’m fine.” She turns to give me a puzzled look like she can’t understand why I would even ask. Maybe she doesn’t know how much her mood has changed today?
To my knowledge I was on my way home. I was ready for it too. I was looking forward to my television and my bed.
However Katarina turned off of 635 into an apartment complex. A young black man was standing in front of his apartment door. “Get in the back seat.” I turned to look at her but she was rolling down the window and smiling at him. “Renee, get in the back.” I opened the car door and moved the seat forward so, that I could sit in the back. Katarina leaned over and gave him a hug. He put on his seat belt and we went driving off. What the hell is going on? We drove behind the complex into the alley and sat for a while. He turned around to face me. “Hey, I’m Jeremy.” I shook his hand. He looked around and then reached into his pocket and turned up a brown bag. He dug in the wrinkled discolored brown bag and produced another clear bag full of weed.
My eyes must have been popping out of my head. They both laughed at me. Honestly, I smoke weed but I buy a joint at a time and I had never seen so much weed at once. It was kind of exciting to be setting there with them but I was also scared of what could happen, to tell you the truth I was freaking out a bit. I want to smoke but will Katarina say something to mom if I do? Katarina opened up her hand bag and gave him a roll of twenty’s. He handed her the bag but before he took out a small amount of pot and started to roll a joint. I watched quietly while the two of them inhaled and passed back and forth. Katarina looked back at me and giggled. Oh my God. It was the same exact giggle that I heard all week long from her. Is she smoking every day? Surely, she wouldn’t smoke around the girls?
Jeremy passed the joint back to me in the back seat and I put the hot wet joint close to my mouth. I didn’t once wrap my lips around it but only pulled the smoke into my lungs kind of like whistling but in reverse.
“Go slow.” Jeremy said this and smiled at me and tried pulling the joint from my hand. I jerked my hand back and inhaled even more. I refused to let them have the joint back and finished nearly half of it by myself while the two of them talked. I could have cared less what they were saying or what they weren’t saying. Everything was fine at that moment.
“Seriously, give it back.” Katarina laughed and slapped me on the head and took the joint out of my hand. She opened the ash tray and threw what was left of the joint inside and then closed the ashtray with a loud crack. And with that popping sound Jeremy opened the car door.
I crawled out of the back and into the front seat. I sat there for along while watching my sister drive. Everything around me sped up and then slowed down into a tunnel. I was watching the cars as we passed them but it seemed more like a movie than what was really happening. I laid my head against the glass window. I closed my eyes.
When I opened my eyes my vision was blurry and seemed off. In fact nothing seemed right and all was distorted. Katarina’s face looked deformed and monstrous. I can’t breathe. I tried to breathe but could only make sounds. I was gasping.
I rolled down the window. My hands took longer to react. I held my hands up to my face. I think I’m dying. I could feel a thud, a pounding in my chest. I could feel and hear it throughout my body. It was screaming asking me begging me to make it stop.
“What is the matter with you?” Katarina pulled over on the side of the road. She pulled back on the seat and I was looking up at the roof of the car.
I can move my eyes and I can move my hands. The rest of my body is numb and paralyzed.
I want to tell her that I’m dying but when I try to speak I only confuse her more. My heart is racing and I can’t imagine why she can’t hear the pounding in my chest?
Then Katarina is gone. I can’t hear or see her anymore. I grasp my chest.
The visions came to me that day, drug induced visions are never a good thing and even worse when the visions are religious. I have never been a true Christian in the since that I have never seen or felt a true presence like some followers have. On this day I met God. I was also shown my memories but they couldn’t have been mine. I didn’t remember my memories that way. All of the memories had changed and my drug induced hallucinations were to blame.

I am chained to a wall. There are two men on either side of me. I feel pain, and I can hear it as well. I stop to listen to cries of a little girl. Where is it coming from? It was then that I realized the muffled noises were coming from my own mouth. I cry louder. Where am I? “I don’t belong here,” I cried. Where is here? “I want to go home. Please, just let me go home.” I sank down against the wall as best as I could while still being chained. I see a black river flowing not even three feet from where I am. The river is flooded with decaying, bloated corpses. The men on either side of me have long been dead and are rotting as they sit stretched out along the wall. There is no way out. I too will sit here and die.
Then there was light, a glowing light that burned my eyes. If he spoke to me I do not recall what he said. He broke my chains and lifted me, he held me like a child. He walked me out of hell. He stood with me in front of Katarina’s car. I could look in and I saw her slapping my face and sitting on top of my lap. She was begging me to wake up. This can’t be happening to me. I turned to look at the man who saved me but he had already gone. There was a weight all over my body a feeling of being pushed along with a weightless feeling. I was being dragged and pulled in two different directions. I had no control over the pulling and pushing sensation.
I gasped for air. I had been holding my breath and had started shaking. Katarina held on to me. I’m angry at her. That couldn’t have been just weed. I want the truth from her. I pulled my knees to my stomach. Then I sat up slowly. My hands were wet and have taken on a life of their own while I scratched and pulled at my hair and skin

“Something’s wrong. Take me to the hospital.” Katarina got back on the interstate and jetted for the nearest exit. I felt relieved because the doctor would be able to stop this. I am still seeing things that I know are not there. I am waiting for the man to come back or the chains to bind me once again. I don’t want this. I never asked for this.
“You just need to eat something. Have you even eaten today?” I looked to see that she had pulled in to a McDonald’s. She ordered at the drive thru and handed me a sandwich. But, if I can’t breathe how am I going to eat? I took small bites and chewed several times before I would swallow. Each time I swallowed I felt as if I would choke.
Katarina drove in circles in the parking lot. She had turned off the radio and was asking me questions. I nodded. I tried to speak but nothing would come out. “It was just PCP.” Did I hear her right? I was right it wasn’t weed. The way she said, “it was just PCP.” What is PCP? I had never done hard drugs. I never wanted to do hard drugs and Katarina had given me PCP. I would have never taken it if I had known what it was. Katarina assumed that I knew what I was taking and that I could handle it. Is it possible that I had really died? Maybe I didn’t and it was just a hallucination. The only thing that I really wonder about is if I had died what would she have told mama? Would she have said, “It was just PCP?”
I was semi conscious as my sister pulled into the drive way. She checked her self in the mirror as I stepped out of the car. I started to grab my bags but Katarina took them away from me. “Go straight to your room. I’ll tell mom that you got sick from something you ate. Hide out in there all day if you have to. I’ll call you later. Just try to act normal, please.” She grabbed my face so I could look right at her. “If you get scared just call me.” How sweet of her. “If I die will you tell everyone that I loved them?” In the midst of escaping danger I was still being facetious. “Oh my God, Renee. Your not going to fucking die.” “Are you sure?” “Fucking Christ.” I sighed and stepped in line behind Katarina.
I walked right past mom in the office and to my room. I stopped only to take my bag from Katarina. I closed my door and locked it. I watched the walls turn dark, I must lie down. If I could just sleep this will stop. I listened quietly to the murmurs from the other room. “Is she okay?” I fell fast asleep ignoring my heart beat, and my breathing.
The next morning when I awoke I walked down stairs and in the living room. I turned on the television. Mom walked out of the office and handed me a post card.
Erica was in Hawaii with her dad. She had sent me a card with three men holding surf boards with their shirts off. Not really my taste but none the less nice to see.
She was in Hawaii for the next week or so and then would be heading off to Flagstaff, Arizona to her dads house.
Vanessa was already gone and would not be returning and maybe never would.. She was the start of it all and now she’s gone. She had already seen where she was going and made the right choice to break away.
Danny had volunteered to take care of his grandmother in Corpus Christi and will not be back until school starts again.
Ozzy had been caught with cocaine right before school let out and had been sent to drug rehab for two months. He was on total lock down and could not see or speak to anyone.

I called Tracy’s house and his mother said that he was in Wisconsin with his dad. Tracy never once told me that he was leaving for the summer and for a split second I thought that Tracy was avoiding me and having his mom cover for him. When she realized that it was me she hung up. I guess she is still sore about the stage dive thing? Oh well.
There was no one left. Everyone was gone, except for me.
Last year Nichole and I spent all of our summer days and nights with each other. We would lie awake at night outside stretched out on the wet grass watching the lights fade and the stars come around. I hadn’t thought about her in a long while. I stopped fighting her near the end of the year. I could no longer justify why I had ever hated her. If anything I missed her. I wonder now what her summer is like? Are the Dooney and Bourke girls standing in line at Six Flags with their green and brown totes hanging over their shoulders? I laughed. I bet they even shower with those purses.
I cleaned up the house while anticipating a phone call. I had no idea if the phone would ever ring but I was hoping that it would. I took a shower bringing the phone with its long cord into the bathroom with me. The druggy feeling from yesterday has faded and now it is only a bad dream. Only occasionally I found my heart racing and my thoughts distorted. I would wait it out and it would go away. I had thought about calling Katarina to let her know that I was alright but why should I? She should be calling me.
My thoughts shifted again to Nichole.
What if I called Nichole? I don’t even have to say anything? I’ll call and if she answers then I will hang up. I could apologize. But, am I suggesting apologizing only for the sake of not being alone? That’s saying I’m sorry for all the wrong reasons.
I dried my hair and wrapped the towel around my chest underneath my arms.
I looked in that spotted mirror to see the reflection of a wounded girl. We all have something to fight, something that constantly creeps up in our minds that we push back to keep away. What would I say to my once so called enemy? Maybe I should start with saying hello?
I dialed the numbers my hand never once flitching. I never forgot the number no matter how much I wanted to.
“Hello?” It was her. She sounded cheerful as ever. “I am so sorry for calling but, I was just wondering if we could maybe talk?” “Renee, is that you?” I stopped breathing. This is where my plan ended. What do I do now? “What do you want?” “I just wanted to say hi.” “Okay, hi.” “You doing okay?” I tugged at the phone cord. At this point I wanted to wrap the cord around my neck and strangle myself to death. “I’m okay. I was just wondering how your summer was.” “It’s okay”, her voice trailed. She paused before going on. “Everyone’s gone this summer. I’m not doing much.” “I’m sorry. Well, if you want to do something this summer that would be nice. Maybe we could play pool or something? I know it’s way over the line calling you but I never wanted to fight you. It’s not worth it anymore, Nichole.” “Are you saying you’re sorry then?” “No, I’m not. Not really. Sorry for what, really?” “For your friends fucking with me all year.” “No, it was you and your bitch ass friends that started shit with me. Did you forget that?” “That’s bullshit. I didn’t do anything Renee.” “Calling you was a bad mistake. I’m sorry for calling you. Have a good summer.” Before I let her speak I set down the phone. I am watching the afternoon sun and focusing on the blinding light filling my room. What was
I thinking? If anything it will only be worse next year with her because of that stupid phone call.
I was not wanting to upset her or myself. I was only wanting resolution, a means to an end. I didn’t want to feel lowered by calling her but I did. She is disillusioned if she thinks I will apologize. I didn’t do anything, or maybe I did? It’s possible that I have forgotten something. It’s been so long to me but really it’s only been a year. So much has happened that I have forgotten the real reason for any of this.
I stepped inside my mothers office. “Can I leave for a while?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because you’re grounded.” I stepped closer to the her desk forcing her to turn away from her paperwork to look up at me.
“Mom, I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to. I only want to leave for an hour or so. I’ll be back before dad ever gets back home. No one has to know.”
She squinted her eyes and pursed her lips looking very much like a pissed off china doll. “Go, but if you’re not back in an hour I’ll tell your dad that you left without me knowing about it.” “Thanks mom.” Before she could rebuttal I was out the door and walking towards the back of the property and the chain link fence that stretched all along the property very much like a federal prison.
I never truly understood the desperation of a prisoner until my parents moved me in here. I passed the last of the orange garage doors and stooped down in front of the fence to squeeze through the hole that had been sliced by my own hands earlier that year. It was my secret short cut to the River Boys.
I slipped underneath the fence and pushed through. The railroad tracks are in front of me, the fence behind me and from either side of me green grass and sunflowers. I walk along the tracks balancing and shifting my feet front, back and sideways to stay standing there as long as possible. There is nothing to do here but watch my feet and keep the sun out of my eyes. In the distance I could hear the whistle blowing, the train was coming. If I wasn’t chicken shit I would just stay there daring the train to come closer. I could feel the vibration under my feet. I jumped back but when I did I fell with a thud cutting my hand on a broken Heineken bottle that normally would stay hidden and nameless but because I was there it was destined to find and hurt me. I’ve always been accident prone. I stood up stepping back as I did. I sat along the back of the fence, only ten feet from the tracks.
I take a minute to breathe before ripping the green glass from the palm of my hand. The glass missed my wrist by only an inch or so. It wasn’t deep enough to need stitches but it was going to hurt just the same.
The train rolled by throwing a few sparks as it did. I ripped the glass from my hand. Even if I would have screamed from the pain I wouldn’t have heard it. The noise from the train was making me dizzy and nauseous Maybe I should have just stayed home.
I walked back home holding my hand above my head as I did. I heard that holding a wound above the heart can stop the bleeding. I’m not sure if this really works but what the hell, right?
A tenant of my mother’s was parked in front of their unit and turned his head to stare at me. Rather than asking if I was alright he turned his head to keep working. Walking in the house I was surprised to see that dad was back and sitting at the dinner table with his eyes fixed on me. I hadn’t been gone longer than fifteen minutes at the most
“Did you finish sweeping that unit, Renee?” Mom was standing at the office door and urging me to agree with what she said. “Yeah, mom. It’s all done.” It was just as well that I had hurt myself if I wouldn’t have my father would have known that mom was lying to cover my ass.
Mom and dad were mumbling at each other as I climbed the stairs. I ran hot soapy water over the cut, wrapped it in a small towel and went and laid down in the middle of my bedroom floor.
Maybe it was just as well if I never left the house again. Why won’t this summer just end already?
I fell asleep that night praying that my sister would forget about me next week. I would much rather wait out my sentence here at home. Going to my sisters was not just cruel and unusual punishment but I feared that she may want me to do drugs with her again. If I was put in the situation I would give in to her and who knows what may happen? It has never been my intention to back down from any one and look weak. Now that I’m older I try my hardest to compete with Katarina. I can be louder, more reckless, sensuous, angrier, more demented. I can be all of the things that she is and I can do it better. If Katarina thinks that I will back down because of one episode with PCP she is sadly mistaken.
However, it is all a front. I secretly wish to disappear. The truth is I am scared of becoming her. There is nothing inside her and she uses drugs to feel, to feel anything except the vagueness, and extinction of her mind and body. I am so close to falling in there with her that I struggle and pull back for as long as possible even if I can only buy
myself a few more years.
I even pray for something to happen to me so that I can’t go. What if I said I was sick and contagious? Would they believe me? This would be a time to put on a performance worthy of an Oscar.
I slept in the next day as I always did. I heard knocking on my door which was unlike anyone in my family. Even my dad had a habit of walking in at the wrong times. Confused, I pushed aside the blanket and opened the door.
Her blonde curls framed her face, her red lips brightened her eyes, she was the picture perfect girl of the 90‘s prep scene and the wide eyed doughy youth of upper middle class America. Her Polo shirt was tucked in to her jeans, a brown braided leather belt couldn’t hide the Ralph Lauren Logo just above the pocket. Lo and behold her Dooney and Bourke was tossed over her shoulder not like a normal purse- this purse was meant to impress and intimidate and standing before me with out my friends I was damn right petrified. I found it hard to not only move my legs but even my lips to speak to her. What the hell is Nichole doing here?
I bowed my head as I always do to avoid eye contact. I couldn’t help but to stare at the little brown loafers with the perfect white socks that scarcely shown under perfectly tailored jeans. How does she do it? I would be exhausted after dressing myself to even go out. By god, I think those jeans are ironed and starched too.
“Hey,” was the only thing to come out of my mouth. She smiled and pushed my door open walking in as if she had been there a million times and was just as welcome as she had always been. It never occurred to her that some things are not easily forgiven.
“Nichole, what are you doing here?” “You asked me to play pool with you tonight? Don’t you remember?” “No, I didn’t. I asked if you wanted to play pool sometime but not tonight.” “Whatever, same thing.” She threw her purse down on my desk hitting my type writer when she did causing it to ding.
I closed my door and sat down on my bed while she stood surveying my room with every look of disappointment on her face. Why am I forcing this abuse upon myself? I would rather be with Katarina, I thought.
“Wow, you haven’t changed this place much.” “Why would I?” She laughed at me as if I had told a joke. I said nothing funny and took her laugh as mockery.
I knew calling her would be a mistake.
She rolled my desk chair around to sit facing me. “What made you call me yesterday, anyway?” This is the last question that I wanted to answer and it was cruel to tell her the truth. The truth was that I would rather have her company instead of facing a summer alone.
Nichole was good for one thing this is apparent in the very beginning of our relationship. Nichole found refuge from loneliness with me and now I was finding it in her. All things work in a full circle. Even relationships and people seem to make the same turn with karma. Some Buddhists would say that it was Nichole’s karma that I was now using her.
“I called you ’cause I missed you.” This was at least half truth. She smiled and flipped her hair behind her back. “I missed you too.”
I relaxed a little because it’s possible she could be telling the truth. Then again the
Dooney and Bourke bitches were gone like she said and the fact that she was spending her summer alone made her in the same predicament that I was in and she could be bluffing just as much as I was. But, there is always truth in lies and there are always lies in truth. I am willing to stop questioning and to just let it go.
“Come on, get your ass out of bed.” She stood up and opened my closet door. Turning on the light she looked back at me. “Go take a shower”, she said motioning me to leave my room. How dare her. This is my house and why is she telling me what to do? She raised her eyebrows, “Well?”
I walked out the room slamming the door behind me. I mumbled all the way to the bathroom. I showered, brushed my teeth. I put on my makeup, and walked back into my room.
Nichole had made my bed and took almost all of my new clothes out and laid them out on the bed.
“How can your parents afford these?” This is a very cruel thing to say but it was blunt truth. My parents couldn’t afford them. “My parents didn’t buy them, my sister did.” “Your sister, really? Well, I love her taste. I love these Guess overalls.” She held the overalls close to her body. “Try them on”, I smiled I was surprised to see that she liked them. “Really?” “Yeah, go ahead.” She threw her clothes over my desk and slid into them. “Nichole, you’re supposed to wear a halter top with them.” I searched in my drawer and found the little light blue top that went with the overalls. “Is that Gucci? Oh, my God.” I smiled, I never once thought that I would impress her. I guess Katarina is good for some things. I put on a little white pair of Bongo shorts and a lavender top with some wood sandals. We were both dressed and ready to go. But, where are we going? I failed to mention that I was grounded. I may not be able to go anywhere with her.
I looked down at Nichole’s bitch bag and back at her. I stepped inside my closet and in a box hidden from respectable eyes was the Dooney and Bourke bag that my sister had given to me. I never thought that I would need it or use it but since there are no knowing eyes to see me in public I could get away with it. I pulled it out and Nichole shrieked. “Where did you get that?” “My sister gave it to me.” “Is it fake?” Nichole grabbed it from my hands and looked inside. “I think it’s fake.” “It’s not fake. My sister wouldn’t have a fake anything. You don’t know my sister.” I pulled the bag from her hands and started to put all of the contents from my little jean back pack into the Dooney and Bourke. If I hadn’t known any better I would say that this is a moment of soul selling. Am I trying to fit in with Nichole as I fit in with my friends at school? Is it possible that I am the fake? “No.” “What did you say?” “Nothing, I didn’t say anything.” “You said, no. I heard you.” “You’re crazy I didn’t say anything.”
I opened my bedroom door and glanced back at Nichole. “Are you coming?” “Yeah.”
Walking downstairs I looked up at the clock it was nearly 6:00 and mom would be getting off work soon.
“Stay here“, I said to Nichole pointing at the bottom of the steps. I walked inside mom’s office. “Hey.” Mom was standing at her counter sealing envelopes. She turned and then turned again. “Where do you think you’re going?” “Well, Nichole and I wanted to go play pool. Can I go?” Mom whispered and pulled me closer to her. “I thought you were mad at her?” “I was, but I’m not now.” Mom looked puzzled I guess it never occurred to her that friends fight on occasion. Besides mom’s movie going friends she doesn’t have any one close. I don’t think my mom has ever had anyone close to her other than her sister-in-laws.
“I guess, your dad will be back in a minute and you can ask him.” “What do you think he’ll say?” “I don’t know. He’s always liked Nichole, he might let you go.” “Cool.”
I stepped outside the office to find my dad talking to Nichole. I was taken back a bit. “Hi, dad.” Nichole smiled over at me. Nichole never liked my dad. Nichole said that my father was strange and frightened her. My dad on the other hand thought Nichole was a great girl and I am sure he secretly wished that I was more like her. “Your dad said he would take us to the bowling alley.” “He did?” I was shocked that she had the nerve to ask him. “Well, if you girls want to go you better come on because I have somewhere I have to be.” “Why, where are you going?” He got angry that I asked. “That’s none of your business.” I dropped it, if I say anymore he may change his mind.
We loaded up in his truck. I sat in the middle putting my legs next to Nichole so that dad could still shift gears. We drove while my dad and Nichole talked. Not once was I mentioned or acknowledged. It was fine with me I preferred it that way. When we got out dad handed me twenty dollars. “Thank you, dad.” “Be good“, is all he said. I shut the door and watched him drive away.
Nichole grabbed my arm. We went inside. There were the usual common thugs there. Small time dealers, the preps that bought the cheap drugs from them, young girls dressed like prostitutes, boys chasing the young tramps and of course me and Nichole. I avoided coming here for a long time. The River Boys chose this place as their headquarters and
since I had been banished for a time I decided it would be best to keep my distance.
Nichole racked the first game and I took my shot. I was miserable at this game, lucky for me so was Nichole. After the first game we found ourselves sitting outside talking to each other.
“Can I ask you something, Nichole?” “Yeah, sure.” “Why did you humiliate me in front of your friends and then stop talking to me?” She had to of known that it was coming. She drew in a breath and then glanced around to see if anyone was near enough to hear us. “I hate them all. I really do.” She folded her knees to her chest and I crept in closer to hear what she had to say. “You see, those girls are vicious. If they would have known that we were friends..” “What you’re trying to say is that you only care about how you look and fuck the ones that care about you.” “That’s not it at all. You’re missing the point.” “Then explain it to me so I can understand and forgive you.” “It’s not about popularity, well, it kind of is. I want to try out for cheer leading and student council. You know, if I was friends with you and your friends I would never be chosen.” “Once again, Nichole it all comes down to how you look and keeping up that fake fucking image.” I was nearly pleading with her. “I thought you were my friend, that was so wrong what you did.” “I was…I am your friend.” “If you’re my friend than why did you drop me?” “I wanted to tell you a million times that I was sorry.” “I wouldn’t have listened.” “Exactly, that’s why I didn’t.” “So, what now?” “What are the Dooney and Bourke bitches going to think if you’re here with me?” “Quit calling them that.” “Calling them Bitches?” “No, Dooney and Bourke.” “Why?” She laughed throwing her head back. It was an evil laugh. “What’s so fucking funny?” She dug her nails into my arm and pulled my ear to her mouth. “I’m the only one that has a real Dooney and Bourke.” I laughed. Now, I have something on those horrible bitches. I’m not sure if Nichole knows that she just supplied me with new fuel for my fire. “All of them?” She smiled showing all of her teeth. “Every single one of them.” “That’s precious. Thank you.” “No, you can’t say anything.” “Why not?” “Because they’ll know that it was me. Promise me that you won’t say anything.” Fuck, now she wants me to make a promise? “What if I was taking shit from them and it accidentally slipped out?” She giggled. “Yeah, okay.”
“Can I ask you something, Nikki?” “Yeah, what?” “Could we really be friends again, like before?” “We are friends again, aren’t we?” “I mean, do you think we could ever be friends at school?” She thought about this. I wondered if she was thinking the same things that I was? “If we were friends at school, what do you think would happen?” “I don’t know, I guess I hadn‘t thought about it?” We sat down on the steps quietly. I put my hands in front of my eyes to block the sun. I turned to look at Nichole and only smiled. I was out of things to say for the moment and found it calming to sit in silence. I am enjoying this more than I would have with Erica or Vanessa.
Excitedly she tapped my leg. “Renee, what if we were friends at home, ya know?” “What do you mean?” “Well, no one would have to know that we are close again. You could keep your friends and I could keep mine. It would remain the same except we could be friends again.” “What are you saying? You’re talking about being friends in private?” Yeah.” “That’s fucking crazy, Nichole.” She seemed agitated and was doing her best to appease me. With a smile Nichole raised her finger towards me, pointing at me as if to point me out in a line up. “Admit it, you wouldn’t know how to tell you’re friends that you’re friends with me? Where would you begin to explain the handbag and the clothes? We’re very similar I think,” she said. “How is that?” “Your as much of a fake as anyone. Maybe even better than me? You know it‘s true.” “Ha, whatever.” How dare her make such accusations, I did what I had to do. “I’m serious“, she said. She sat up real straight and tall, arching her back and raising her arms in a full body stretch. “We both want different things but we get them the same way.” I stopped to think about this. Is she right? Her and I both wanted glory and fame we had both said that at the beginning of last school year and we both achieved it but on very different teams.
“Okay“, I said leaning back to lie down on the warm concrete, “suppose we stay good friends. When would we see each other?” “That’s easy.” “How so?” “Well, we could like spend every other weekend together, or something.” Nichole had it all worked out except for one small detail. “What about at school”. I said? “Do you mean how do we act at school around each other?” “Yeah.” “It’ll stay the same. Except, no one will know that we’re not serious but us.” “Nichole, you’re talking about fooling our friends into thinking that we still hate each other. Wouldn’t it be better just to tell the truth.” “No way. Can you imagine what everyone would say?” “I don’t fucking care to tell you truth.” “You will. No one will look at you the same. Those people are not on our level and to them it would be two faced. They’re not thinking like us. They just wouldn’t understand.” “It seems to me that you care too much about what people think. Just forget this whole thing. Just forget it. Nothing should be this difficult” “Don’t be that way,” Nichole stood up smoothing down my overalls on her legs. “You can tell your friends if you want too. But, if your friends are anything like mine they won’t understand.” “It’s nice to see that you have faith in people.” “Just think about it. When the time is right, everyone will know.” I stayed lying on the cement resting my head on my arm. I stared off at the parking lot and of the cars racing down Pipeline Road. Dad would be picking us up soon.
Nichole laid back as well. The two of us lay quietly, never saying a word but wanting to say so much, and both of us thinking the same thing. What will happen?
Dad came back for us around 10:00. When we dropped Nichole off at her house. I stepped out of the truck and gave her a hug. I had wished at that moment that we never would have started that war between us. She is a lovely person. Nichole is my friend, an unconventional friend that came along with terms but still she is my friend. Nichole may be afraid of telling her friends about me but I will have no problem with telling Erica.
“I’ll call you later tonight,” Nichole called out waving back to me as she stepped inside her house.
“Did you have fun?” “Yeah, dad it was nice.” Dad put the truck in first and drove slowly up the hill. “Hey, do you remember your cousin, Kenney?” I grumbled. “Yeah, why?” “He’s going to stay with us for the rest of the summer?” “What“, I was shocked, “starting when?” “Starting now. I went to Dallas to get him.” “Why would you do that to me?” “Because I am not going to abandon him.” “Thanks for asking me.” “I don’t remember needing your permission, girl.” “Just forget it, it’s fine.” “Hey, if something happened to me I would want someone to take care of you too.” “Whatever, dad, it’s fine.”

Kenney, also known as Bubba, was my first cousin. He is the son of my father’s brother. My uncle passed away as I said earlier from a self inflicting gun shot wound. You could also say that my dear uncle had too much to drink and thought he could win at Russian roulette. I can not explain to you how much my father loved my uncle. When he passed away my dad lost it. My dad felt allot of guilt because he was not there to protect his little brother the night that he shot himself.
Naturally my father felt that it was his duty to make sure that his little brother’s youngest child and only son was well taken care of. However, with that being said I never got along so well with any of my family members. I especially never got along well with Kenney. He and I fought allot growing up and after Uncle Jerry passed away I never saw him again. Unfortunately, Kenny’s mother had lost her way in the death of her husband she decided to no longer care for her children. Her other two children, teenage girls have already gotten married and have children of their own. My aunt believed that her children no longer needed her so she did what any respectable widow would do and searched for her path to freedom and happiness. We only have one life, right? But, my dad just likes to involve himself in other peoples lives and personal affairs, he never seems to know when to back the fuck off and know when enough is enough. It seems that there is no way to keep anything private or out of his grips of judgment and interference which is exactly what happened to Kenney, his mom and my father that summer. My mother and I are stuck in the middle and trying desperately to understand what father is thinking. Does he think at all?

“He can’t come in my room at all.” “He won’t.” “Good.” “Is that all?” “Yep”, I said it as harsh as I could. I wanted father to know that I was very pissed and very serious. We pulled up to the house. I slammed the door. Father yelled but I kept walking. I went inside to see Kenney standing in the kitchen with my mom.
He was all smiles and his eyes were astonishingly familiar. He had mine and my fathers bright blue eyes, with our dark eyelashes and eyebrows to match. Although his dark hair color did not look mismatched like it did on me, he was tan and looked handsome, he greatly resembled his father. While looking at him I realized how much I missed my uncle. Uncle Jerry was such a good man and to look at his son made me only regret the animosity that created a wedge between my cousin and I.
I had never forgotten Kenney’s last words to me. He had told me at his father’s funeral that he wished I wasn’t there. I never tried to anger him but something about me made him infuriated. He was constantly judging my moral character. He had confronted me as a child. Kenney saw me peering into his bedroom one night at his house as he cried to his father about the death of his pet. I had a sad look on my face, or at least I thought I did.? I felt so much sorrow for him. I had lost my cat that same year and had understood how much it was grieving him. I wanted to say something but was at a loss of what to say to him. I should have never been eaves dropping in the first place but I only wanted to see why he was so upset. He screamed at me and asked me why I was smiling. He said that I was sick and asked what was wrong with me. I gasped. I turned away and ran outside to hide behind a crippled tree in the front yard. I cried alone. I never understood what he meant. Was I smiling? Why would I do such a thing? I only wanted to tell him that I understood but instead he forced me to see that no one understood me.
He must have thought it strange that I always sat alone and never spoke to anyone. I was odd in his mind and not right. He was right about one thing, I was not like him or other children but as far as having a questionable soul I was very timid and shy and chose to keep to myself to avoid ridicule.
I had not seen him since the funeral and was hoping that I would never need to. I was no longer holding on to what he had said to me that day either. I had taken what he said very light hearted; I can only imagine how hard it would be to lose a father. Forgiving does not mean that you have to forget. I chose my company carefully and I never once said that I wanted to spend an evening, let alone a whole summer with him.
I smiled at him and walked closer to see him in the florescent kitchen light but he ran to me, picked me up with little effort and hugged me. He put me back down and was producing the widest smile. “How are you, what are you up to?”
Who is this? Do I know him? This is not the same kid that threw insults at me at every chance he got.
I was puzzled, “I’m fine, not much.” I backed away. “Ill see you later”, and with that I turned as fast as I could and headed for the stairs. Seeing him was strange and I wanted to distance myself if I could.
I went up to my room but he followed bringing his sleeping bag and his back pack along with him. He sat up his things in my loft area, he had some room to stretch out and also my comfy overstuffed, worn out bright orange chair to sit in. I had set the loft up as my
sitting area because my room was too small to fit all of my furniture.
I have spent many years at that point not sharing, Katarina had no use for any of my things and I never had a sibling close to my age to bother me, it was only when I met Nichole that I even had a friend to sleep over. I was constantly looking over my shoulder at Kenney to make sure that he wasn’t touching anything of mine. But, strangely enough I was a tad intrigued of what it would be like to have another person my own age to talk to that lived in my house. It would be worth finding out, I thought.
Before I walked in to my room, I turned and paused. I wanted to invite him out tomorrow but how, what should I say? Would he really enjoy shooting pool with Nichole and I?
“Do you want to shoot some pool tomorrow with me and a friend of mine?”
“Sure, I can do that.” He rolled out his sleeping bag with his back turned to me. I walked into my room, closed my door and began typing a letter to Erica.
It was time to write I had been avoiding it all summer. I found it hard to find words. Erica was off enjoying a real summer vacation and had so much to say but what would I say to her? “Hey, Erica. Nothing much here. See you when you get back!” It was useless. I threw the paper wads one after another in the trash bin.
My phone rang. I had it set up in the loft, I had forgotten about it. Kenney answered without hesitation.
“Renee, it’s for you.” I opened my door and picked up the phone. “Renee?” “Yeah.” “Be ready to go Sunday morning.” I got allot of shit to get done and I don’t want to wait around for you.” “Katarina, can I bring someone with me?” “Like who?” “My friend, Nichole.” “I guess.” “Thank you, thank you.” “Okay, so be ready to go.” “I will, we will.”
“Was that your sister?” I hung up the phone and set it on my desk. “Yeah.” “Wow, what’s she been up to?” “Same really.” I have a new niece.” “Yeah, your mom was telling me.” “Okay, good night.” I was ready to get away from him. I did not feel comfortable being near him yet. “Hey, do you want to watch TV with me?” “Not really.” I was nearly in my room about to shut the door. “Can I tell you something?” He sounded nearly scared and his voice was nearly a whisper. I sat down on the floor next to him. “Sure.” “It was really cool of your dad to come get me. I know you and I never got along but maybe we can…?” “That would be nice.” “So, how’s school?” “I fucking hate school.” “Yeah, me too.” “I’m not very good at school.” “You were always smart.” “You think I’m smart? I can’t be that smart. I failed this year.” “No shit.?” He seemed surprised. “Yeah, so how’s your mom?” “Oh, she’s good. I don’t see her that much anymore.” “I’m sorry, Kenney.” “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything.” “No, I’m saying that I’m sorry about your dad and everything.” “Well, things happen.”
I stood to get up and the phone rang again. “Good night, Kenney.” “Yeah, good night.” I closed the door behind me and he was sitting cross legged on the floor watching TV. I felt so sad about how things happened and turned out for him but like he said, I hadn’t done anything. But it doesn‘t matter I can still feel remorse, can‘t I?. Feeling remorse didn’t change the fact, my uncle passed away, and there is nothing that can change that. Nothing is fair. I say that I hate my dad but Kenney doesn’t even have a dad.
The phone rang. “Yeah.” “Hey, it’s me.” “Hey, Nikki.” “Do you want to do something tomorrow?” “Yeah, you want to go to Bellaire?” “Oh, God.” “What?” “I hate that place.” “Why?” “All the losers go there.” “Thanks.” “I’m sorry but they do.” “Well, do you have any suggestions.” “Let’s just go back to the bowling alley.” “I guess.” “Do you not want to go there?” “It’s just. That Tracy will be back soon and I really don’t want to see him right now.” “Tracy? Oh, right. Didn’t you go out with him?” “For about two seconds.” “Well, if he comes back around we can always leave.” “No, it’s fine. I’ll go. It‘s not a big deal. Forget I said anything.” “Cool.” “Oh, wait.” “What is it now?” “Nichole, I have company. Well, my dad has company. My cousin Kenney is down for the summer.” “So, bring him. It’ll be fun.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, it’s fine…. She paused. “What does he look like?” “I don’t know.” “You don’t know what he looks like?” “He’s my cousin.” “Okay.” “I wanted to ask you something.” “Shoot.” “Do you want to go with me to my sisters for a week?” “A whole week?” “Well, yeah. It’s sort of my punishment although it’s not really punishment.” “That makes no since.” “My sisters house is nice. She has a pool and stuff.” “I don’t know, a week is kind of long.” “It would mean allot to me.” “If it’s so nice why do you need me to tag along?” “I just don’t want to be there alone.” I can’t tell Nichole but my reasoning is that Katarina will back off on me smoking out with her if someone else is with me. “I guess, but I’ll have to ask my mom.” “Okay, and if she wants to meet my sister that would be fine.” “When are we leaving?” “This Sunday morning.” “Alright, we’ll see then.” “Are you about to go to bed?” “Who me? No way. I Love Lucy just started.” “Are you still watching that same old crap?” “It’s the weekend Law and Order isn’t on.” I laughed. She hadn’t changed a bit. “I’m going to bed. Enjoy Lucy Goosey.” “Whatever,…good night.” “Goodnight.”

I turned off the lights and turned on the radio. I closed the blinds and took off my clothes. Today had been exhausting. Two people, Nichole and Keeney had changed my mind about them. The summer was just beginning and I felt that it would end too fast.
“Renee get up. It’s almost 3:00 in the afternoon.” Nichole stormed into my room bringing in all of the sunlight as she opened up my blinds. “Don’t you ever answer the phone?” “Oh, was that you?” “Yeah, get up you lazy ass.” “No.” I rolled over and hugged my pillow. “Get up.” She pulled my blanket away from me throwing it over my desk and took the pillow out from under my head. “What the fuck?” “Renee, we’re going to leave soon.” “Not until 6:00?” “But, it‘ll take you until 6:00 to get ready.” “Okay, I’m up.” I closed my eyes and hugged my pillow tighter. “Was that your cousin downstairs?” “Yeah.” “How old is he?” “He’s 14 I think?” “He’s kind of cute.” “Yeah, you think so? I’ll set you up.” “Get out of bed.” She started to jump on the bed making my head spin. There was no way I could sleep like this. “ALRIGHT!” I got out of bed and headed off to the bathroom.
Nichole was right it did take until 6:00 to get ready. We arrived at the bowling alley. All of the pool tables were taken. It was Saturday night after all. We headed outside moving through a tidal wave of teens. I lit up a cigarette and Nichole took it away from me putting the cigarette in her mouth. She laughed as she choked on the smoke. I took it back from her and walked closer to the parking lot. “So, what now?” Kenney seemed upset that there was nothing to do. It’s not like it was my fault.
We walked to the little restaurant next to the bowling alley. None of us really had money so we all shared one drink and fries between the three of us.

Nichole insisted on sitting next to Kenney and I sat across from both of them. It may have been my imagination but I caught the two of them avoiding each others eyes as if to hide the embarrassment of fondness for each other.
Tomorrow morning I would be heading off to Richardson and with any luck Nichole will come with me.
An uneventful night causes drowsiness. I fell asleep on my bed with my clothes still on. When I woke up my sister was already waiting for me. I hadn’t even packed. I grabbed my back pack stuffing everything that I could find clean inside. I brushed my teeth, threw my toothbrush in my backpack and ran downstairs.
Katarina was holding her keys in her hand. “I thought I told you to be ready?” “You did. I’m sorry.” “Is your friend still coming?” I picked up the phone and it rang but no one answered. “Can we just drive over there?” “Yeah.” Mother called out to us as we were loading my bag in the trunk. “Drive safely, wear your seatbelt.” Katarina only waived to her.
Nichole was outside with her mother when we pulled up. The two of them were covered head to toe in dirt from the flowerbeds.
“Hi, Nichole.” “Hey, I got to get my stuff, hold on.” The three of us were on our way to Richardson when my sister took the little red pipe out of her pocket. This is worse than I thought. She doesn’t even care who she smokes around. I could feel Nichole gasp while making no noise at all.

“I don’t have enough for everyone, sorry.” “That’s okay, really.” I looked back at Nichole because this is the first thing that she has said during the whole trip. It was funny the way she said it too, like it was an insult the Katarina would even suggest that she did such a thing.
Katarina disappeared the whole week. Nichole and I took turns with the children. Nichole would cook and serve dinner and I would manage the three o’clock AM feedings with Anna.
The last night that Nichole and I were there my sister came stumbling in through the front door spilling soda all over the white rug. Everyone lay quietly asleep but me. I helped her pick up her things off the floor then something had struck me on the back of my head. Not thinking I picked it up handing it back to her. I then noticed all of the twenty dollar bills in a thick wad with a rubber band holding them in place.
“What is this?” Katarina giggled, pulling her heels off of her feet. She slid down the front door causing her shirt to rise up. “Fuck you.” “What is the matter with you?” I reached my hand out to help her up but she slapped it away and crawled toward her bedroom on all fours.
I picked up her purse and cleaned up the soda mess off of the white rug. The sun would be up in only a few short hours and then I could go home. Katarina seemed to be in no shape to drive so I may need to call dad.
I didn’t care what Katarina was doing. Clearly, it is none of my business. Besides, she left us here to take care of everything and not even a word about where she was. Not even Jordan could tell us where she was but he knew she was safe is all he would say. Fuck both of them.
The sun was up and there was no sight of Katarina. I looked in her room but could not find her there. Her car was still sitting outside the front house.
Jordan was gone and Nichole and I were the only ones there to take care of the children.
“I have to go home, Renee.” “Nichole, I’m sorry.” “I’ll never listen to you again.” “Please, don’t start.” “No, this is fucked up, where is your sister?” “I don’t know. I want to go home as much as you do but there is nothing that I can do.” “I can, I’m calling my mom.” She reached for the phone but I grabbed it from her putting the receiver back. “Just let me think, okay?”
I went back in her bedroom calling out her name. I looked under the bed, in the closet , in the tub she wasn’t anywhere. This doesn’t make any since. “RENEE!”
Nichole was screaming at me from the living room. I ran to her immediately thinking that something was wrong with the kids.
“Look. I found her.” Nichole was pointing at the pool as I turned from the hallway. I could not see yet but was inching closer. Nichole had pulled back the curtains revealing my sisters hiding spot.
Katarina was stretched out on a floating recliner with nothing on her but a small towel covering her breasts and um… other parts. I turned away and ushered the kids away from the window.
“Is she…?” Nichole looked like she was about to cry. “I don’t know. Go play with the kids, I’ll be back.”
I stepped into the afternoon sun and unwillingly walked closer the pool. What if she’s dead, I thought?
I still had my pajamas on but I didn’t have time to change or to think for that matter. I swam to the other side of the pool where her lifeless body drifted.
“Katarina? Katarina, can you hear me?” I whispered to her. I would have felt her pulse if I knew how. She looked to be breathing, I could see the towel rise and fall. “Katarina?” I picked up her arm and dropped it back down. Katarina opened her eyes for a moment but fell back asleep. What am I going to do? I had to think for a moment so, I left her lying and floating in the pool. I ran back into the house.
“Nichole, do you know how to make coffee?” “Yeah, why?” “Make some, please.” I rummaged through my sisters closet and found her something to wear. I laid the clothes out on the chair next to the pool. I knew I had to get her up but how? “Do you need help?” “No, keep the kids inside and keep away from the window.” I closed the sliding door behind me
I climbed back in to the cold water. “Katarina, wake up.” I shook her but she wouldn’t move. I splashed water on her face and she swung her arms out at me scratching my face. I jerked back pushing out on the raft causing her to fall in the pool. I jumped out of the pool but she came running after me. “Katarina, stop, please.” I ran behind the table looking for something to defend myself with. She stopped when she realized that she was in the nude.
She held herself trying to cover herself. “I got you some clothes.” I pointed to the chair. She walked over to the chair putting her clothes on.
I am still hiding behind the table incase she comes after me again.
She fell back on the chair and stared off into space with her hands holding her head in place. I slipped quietly into the house closing the door behind me.
Although I did not want to say anything to anyone about how my sister was found floating in the pool naked I had to because Katarina was in no shape to drive us home. I wanted to stay to watch out for the kids but I was frightened.
I called my mom and told her what was happening. “I’m sending your dad, okay.”
I had to call Jordan because he needed to be here with the kids if I was leaving. I said nothing to him just that he needed to come home because I was leaving. If he made the assumption that Katarina and I were just not getting along that was fine just as long I didn’t have to tell him the truth.
Nichole and I sat in the kitchen and after awhile Katarina walked in making her way to her bedroom. Nichole just stared at me. I knew what she was thinking. She must think my whole family is crazy.
Jordan came home and put the kids in his car and left.
Dad came a few moments later and took us home. “Dad?” We were not too far from home and the three of us hadn’t said anything to each other.
“What is it?” He never took his eyes off the road. “I don’t want to go back over there.” “You don’t have to.” “Thank you.”
It never occurred to me that Katarina needed help. My sister was just eccentric or at least I thought she was. Now that I think about the bundle of money and the way I found her that morning I started to imagine the worst. The only conclusion that I could come up with was that my sister was a drug user and not a typical social user but that she needed help, she could not help herself anymore.
I decided to tell mom the whole story and not leave anything out. I will even tell her about my drug use, anything to help Katarina. I was no longer afraid of her for the usual reasons, I was afraid of her children and also what Katarina could do to herself. I pitied her.
Nichole walked up to her house without looking back or even saying goodbye. Maybe I could explain later, maybe Nichole wouldn’t forgive me for what I put her trough? It wasn’t my fault.
It was later, closer to the end of the summer before Nichole would speak to me again. We had picked up right where we had left off and there was never any mention of what happened at my sisters house that summer. All was forgiven and forgotten.
Everyone came back to Hurst a few weeks before school started. Danny was back from Corpus Christi, Ozzy was back from rehab, Tracy from Wisconsin and Erica from Hawaii and Arizona.
Kenney stuck around until the very end of the summer. Dad had taken both Kenney and I to buy a few things for the coming school year. He had left us at the mall and would be back to pick us up a few hours.
Nichole, Kenney, Erica, Tracy, Ozzy, Danny and me met up around 6:00 that night. It was strange to see how quick people can identify their equals and separate themselves from the rest.
Nichole and Kenney both split. Neither of them told me where they were going or when they would be back. My distraction on the two of them was short lived when Tracy picked me up in a bear hug and kissed me in front of everyone. I felt as if I were hit by lighting and by the looks of the River boys faces they too were hit by lightning as well.
Tracy pulled me close so that only I could hear what he was saying. “I missed you.” “I missed you too, Tracy.” I smiled but pulled away from him. I felt timid to even look at him the rest of the night. I felt as if I couldn’t catch my breath every time he looked my way.
I did my best to engage in conversation with Danny about his travel that summer around the Texas coast.
Ozzy didn’t speak at all and that was unlike him. I guessed that he was either high or wanting to be high. Even though everyone including myself knew that Ozzy was better than what he was at the time, he needed to see it himself.
Tracy would chime in, cutting in front of other people to talk to me but Erica would grab me away, she knew what he had done and how much I cared for him. No matter what Tracy had done I would fall at his feet. Erica was determined to see that it didn’t happen.
9:00 came around and the doors to the stores were rolling down with that loud metal clank. I reached the end of the stairs and looking up I saw Nichole and Kenney both engaged in the longest kiss. Tracy saw it too. He screamed out and Kenney looked up and nodded.
What the hell? Nichole could have told me. “What is she doing here anyway?” Erica was none to pleased at my poor choice in company. “She’s okay, Erica.” “No, she’s not. What are you thinking?” “Back off. She’s not that bad.” “Well”, Erica said mater of fact like, “You could have at least warned me that she was going to be here.” “Why?” “Because I wouldn’t have come.” “That’s real mature.” “It just doesn’t make any sense to me.” She lowered her voice, I lowered mine. “What do you want me to say?” “Forget it.” “No, what are you getting at?” “Drop it, Renee.” “What the fuck ever.” I rolled my eyes and sat down on the stairs. She was appalled at me, no she was pissed off, I can only imagine what she was thinking, why had she wasted all year fighting someone for me and with me that I am now friends with? Erica felt my born again friendship with Nichole more of a betrayal than a truce.
Tracy’s mother pulled up first. Tracy reached over and kissed me on the cheek. It may have been the first time ever that I didn’t feel like he was kissing me only to gain something else. Danny left and Ozzy rode with him. Erica’s step dad pulled up with all his gear and his band in an old Chevy van. They all screamed out her name making everyone near us jump.
Erica gave me a hug. “I’ll see you later.” “Yeah, okay.”
Kenney and Nichole remained lip locked as I searched for any sign of my mom’s car or my dad’s truck.
10:00 PM exactly an hour late dad pulls up. He opens the door and I get in the front. Kenney and Nichole sit in the back holding hands. I’m going to be sick.
There had been no sign of Katarina for the rest of the summer. Mom did her best to keep any news about my sister from me. I managed to hear bit’s and pieces from her phone conversations. She had been committed, and was now back home doing her best to be a good mom. I wish I could speak to her. Mother said it would be best to let her come to me and to not force anything on her. “She had a nervous break down“, mom said. No, I thought, I think it’s more simple, I believe she was fighting an addiction but the word addiction is not allowed to be used in the house. After all dad was a recovering alcoholic and had changed his life around. “Addiction is not a disease its a choice, remember that”, dad would preach this to me day and night.
Nichole had set in my room for over two days and kept a silent watch over the telephone. “He’ll call. I know he will. He’s a good person.” Nothing I said made her feel better. Nichole’s first love was my cousin and I bet you that if you were to ask him he would say that Nichole was his first love as well.
Kenney would call and I would step outside the room to let her talk to him. Of course I wanted to eaves drop but I never did.
You could say that in a way I was insanely jealous of the two. They seemed so happy, it may have been love, real love not the kind that leaves after a few weeks but the kind that could outlive centuries but how would I know?
I wished I had something like that, I wished for it more than anything but I decided to feel privileged to even be their third wheel. At least I could witness their strange phenomenon close up.
Nichole would always feel better after talking to him. She would stay the night neither one of us would sleep until the sun peeked in from the closed blinds. We would talk, watch TV, even make French fries at 3:00 AM causing my dad to run downstairs in his underwear because the smoke alarm had gone off.
He told us both to leave the kitchen which we did but we couldn’t help but to laugh about it all night long. Nichole even mocked dad running down the stairs with his hair standing straight up screaming, “What the fuck is going on in here?” We would laugh so hard that we would have to hold our sides to keep them from hurting and put our hands to our face to hush our laughter escaping from our mouths.
I had missed Nichole and I was almost grateful that we were there for each other again but oh how I wished that Erica could forgive the way I had. I had neglected Erica since she had gotten home but to my surprise she never once called and I never felt the need to call her.
Besides soon enough Erica and I would be at each others sides once school started, because of mine and Nichole’s arrangement her and I would never talk or speak to each other at school. I felt that it was only fair to spend as much time as possible with Nichole before school started. Even if Erica didn’t understand me I wouldn’t force her to see things my way. Some things are the way they are, you can’t change them.
I registered for school that year three days before. I waited until the very last possible moment. Was it procrastination? No, I don’t think it was. If anything it was fear of telling everyone that I had failed and I would not be taking any classes with them. Erica and Nichole had known for months but they were the only two. It may have also been fear of facing the teachers and principal after the stunt I pulled with the stage dive. It was kosher to fuck up amongst my class mates but I must emphasize how much the whole faculty hated me. I’m not exaggerating, I can only imagine that they wanted to make my life hell. The truth is, I knew I deserved it.
I searched every face in the long lines. I was looking for Erica, even Nichole. I couldn’t see any familiar faces.
After getting my schedule I looked around one last time. No one.
I began taking steps to the door and digging in my back pocket for my cigarettes. I was outside and walking toward home. I lit my cigarette and kicked the rocks beneath my feet. “Hey, bitch!” I knew it was Erica. I knew her voice from anywhere. “Hey, whore!” We ran across the street to hug each other. But tagging behind Erica was an unfamiliar face. A strange looking girl about my height and weight with pink braces on her teeth. It was hard not noticing the braces because her whole face was a smile. Her hair was long and brown, it touched the very end of her back, her green eyes were huge and full of light. She may have been strange looking but she was very pretty, I decided to like her immediately.
“Hi, I’m Katie.” She waved her hand at me. “Hey.” We walked a little ways and she kept eyeing me as I inhaled. “You got another one of those?” I handed her a cigarette and held the lit lighter up to her face. “Thanks.” She was very different from Erica; Erica on all accounts was the REAL good girl. She did not smoke or drink, or make out with boys. She was my role model. Katie was fun, exciting, we had much in common. Katie had come from Richland Hills, which was only a few miles outside of Hurst. Katie already knew most of the guys that I knew. In fact she knew many guys and carried a little blue book with her with names and numbers and a description of what the guys looked like and a rating of 1-10. She had many ideas about guys. She was much more knowledgeable than I was.
We had walked to the end of the street; they kept walking as I stood still. “Aren’t you coming”, Katie asked. “I can’t. I have to go home.” I threw my cigarette down and headed in the other direction. “Later.” “Yeah,” I said waving my hand in the air with my back facing them.
Kids were rushing out of the school, all holding their new schedules maybe excited about what the new school year would bring. Not me. I am reliving the worst year that I have ever had. It was day to day depression, it was just another reason to dress in black and listen to The Cure. Oh, Robert Smith was more than my obsession he was the hand that was held out to me as I hung off a cliff.
Mom was waiting for me at the door when I came home. “How did it go?” Like she didn’t know how it went. “It’s funny, it was just like last year, mom.”
The New Year started and everyday was agonizing. The first month was AEP. I would see Tracy in passing that was it, we were not allowed to talk to anyone. The month flew by fast and since I had no one to take away my distractions I could spend all of my days doing school work. What the hell, I had nothing better to do.
I was back at Hurst Junior High before I knew it, the same drama in the play continued.
Nichole and I had kept our agreement, we would not speak to each other at school, but on the weekends we were always together. I am sure that our other friends wondered where we were and who we were with but it was our secret, our shameful dirty secret. She started to understand me or at least I thought she did or Could it be that she was taking advantage of me? She only came around on the weekends to be with Kenney, ‘cause he stayed with us every weekend now. Sometimes he would stay at Tracy’s if Nichole had other plans.
I had seen Tracy with a new female. I was not surprised at all, a very pretty girl. I am not sure why but I was insanely pissed off about this. No, I was more than pissed off. I will always be just another girl, who didn’t mean anything to him. That is what I was destined to become.
One afternoon, after lunch I was walking down the hall, I was searching for Danny. I needed to talk to him; I was having a really bad day. The day was about to get worse.
The bell had rang and the hall had just become a running stampede of hormonal teenage angst; it was cramped and hard to make any faces out in the crowd. I ran into a very large Hispanic boy. I knew him, so I made a joke, “get the fuck out of my way“. I was laughing as I said this of course. He didn’t find me amusing. Not surprising. He grabbed me my blue jacket and threw me up against the lockers. “What the fuck is wrong with you“, I screamed. He then started to hit me in my face with his fists, I saw Tracy walk by and I was screaming his name. I thought I saw him turn around. I could not tell the boys fists were hitting me all over. I fought back but to no avail he was over a foot taller then me and out weighed me by two hundred pounds. A group had formed now, they were all screaming for him to get off of me. He stopped. I don’t know why, but he did. The Hispanic boy was pulled away by the campus officer. I was lying on the ground now, I felt warm liquid running into my eyes and out of my mouth. I spat and pulled myself off of the floor. Many eyes were staring at me, but it was hard to make anything out. It was hard to see. My clothes were torn. My jacket was hanging off of me; I wiped my face with it. “Are you okay?” I heard this over and over. The police officer was walking away. “Stay there, Renee”. I slid down against the lockers. A teacher was screaming, “Get to class, all of you.” I put my face in my hands and I started to cry. I didn’t hurt, I was scared. I was embarrassed as well. I couldn’t stand the glares and the whispers. What did I do? What did I do? The tears came now. The tears were a flood. My body shook all over. Officer Bates came back over and picked me up off of the floor. “Let’s call your mom.” I cried softly. What was mom going to say?
I sat in the office waiting for my mother to come.
Danny walked in the office to sit down next to me. He put his arms around me. “Honey, are you okay?” He wiped my face with his sleeve. I looked into his eyes. “I hope you beat the shit out of him.” He smiled back at me, I knew what he was thinking, and I knew he would take care of me.
He left as my mother was walking into the office. She looked pissed. The office personnel were all busy and made no notice of my now very hostile mother in their presence. “Excuse me. I need to talk to Officer Bates.”
Officer Bates came around the corner and stood in front of my mother. Mom folded her arms and looked at him, she was furious. “Where is the boy that did this to her?” Officer Bates came to stand by my mother. “Charges will be pressed, make no mistake.” This did not satisfy my mother, she became more enraged. “I want him expelled from this school; I can’t send my daughter to school, if he is here.” “We will expel him for two weeks, it is the best that we can do.” Mom tapped her foot on the floor; she only did this when her patience was being tried. “I will take her out of this school then.” “WHAT?, I said. You can’t do that to me.” “Yes, I can.”
I was taking my books out of the locker as mom was signing the papers. A group of girls walked past me laughing. “What happened to your face?” I ignored them and kept cleaning out my locker. My face hidden so no one could see.
“Why did you do that, mom?” “You knew we were leaving, I told you we were moving.” She lit her cigarette and buckled her seat belt. “Then why did you even let me start school this year?” “What, you think I’m just going to let you stay at home for six weeks and not go to school?” “Why, mom? Why?” There was no use in fighting back the tears, they had been there the whole time ready to peek at the right moment.
“You’re being crazy. We’re moving three miles down the road, it’s not that big of a deal.” “When, mom?” “This weekend.” I stopped. I stopped breathing, I stopped thinking and I stopped feeling any pain. I was furious. I threw my notebook against the windshield and hit at the passenger side door. “You little bitch, stop it.” “I fucking hate you, mom!” “I fucking hate you too!” There was nothing left to say to her.
I slammed the car door when we got home, before she could even put the car in park I was out the car and in the house, making my way to my room.
I stood in front of my mirror. He cracked my tooth, I had multiple bruises on my face and dried blood. I brushed my teeth, showered and as I did, I saw bruises all over my body where he had hit me.
I stepped out of the shower and heard my mother and father arguing. Dad was more than angry. He was threatening to sue the school. The clock said 6:00 PM. The phone rang.

“Renee?” “Yeah, yeah, it’s me.” It was Tracy, what does he want? I was angry no, I was fucking furious; he walked right past me as I was being beaten. “Tracy, why did you walk past me? You saw, I know you did.” “No, I didn’t. I swear to God.” “What the fuck ever.” I cried now, even though he and I had our differences, I could not imagine him wanting me to be harmed. “Renee, he whispered. You don’t have to worry about it. I talked to Danny and we all went his house.” “Who went where?” “Me, Danny, Ozzy, and Jason went over to Julio’s apartment after school.” I gasped. “What happened, Tracy?” “ We put him in the hospital, but not before he told us why he beat you. He said that he had dropped some acid and he thought you were someone else, he was crying too.” “And then what?” “Then I put my boot through his teeth. Jason had a bat, and Ozzy and Danny held him down while we took turns.” We had to leave before the cops came, his mother was screaming at us on the balcony to stop. We ran for it, they didn’t catch us and we ditched the bat. It was fucking funny you should have been there.” “You put him in the hospital? How do you know?” Ozzy’s girlfriend lives close to him, she heard Julio’s mom talking to a neighbor saying that he needed stitches in his head.” Tracy laughed. But, it wasn’t funny; I didn’t even find justice in this. “Thank you, Tracy.” He got quiet, not saying anything else. “Yeah, well, I’ll talk to you later.” “Tracy before you go, my mom, she took me out of school. Will you come and see me later at my house, maybe this weekend or something?” “Maybe” “I‘ll miss you, Tracy” But, he hung up before he heard me confessing. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
No one came to see me that weekend. Not even a phone call. Kenney came and Nichole came along too. It was kind of nice they both pampered me that weekend. But, I still had to do my part of hauling boxes down the stairs.
The new place was small, mom had exaggerated at how nice it was. My room was literally right next to their room. The place was dark more of a dungeon than a house, and the property sat right on a major freeway. I truly would miss the sound of the train at night and the way my bed would shake as the train thundered.
What could I do? What could I say to change their mind?
I had to do as they said. I had not other choice.

Chapter Six: Adam and Mr. Hyde

2009-06-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

The following Monday, mom took me to the dentist, my chipped tooth was fixed and my face was starting to heal. By this time I could hide my bruises with foundation.
I started school on Tuesday at Richland Middle school. The students were different there, I found out soon that I didn‘t belong. In my opinion they were all mutants on another planet. I had no one to talk to. I ate lunch alone, I sat in silence day after day. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise? At first I was miserable and at home my life had become even more desolate but I began to read again. The first book that I chewed and digested was The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. There was something about the imagery that I could not turn away from; deep, raw and unforgiving as it was; I craved more. I took drama as my elective not wanting to relive another year in choir. Even though I came into the class a quarter way through the semester the class had only begun to rehearse for a Neil Simon play that bored me to tears. I can’t even remember the name of it but when our drama teacher soon realized that he was dealing with pubescent raving children instead of his semi-professional peers down at the workshop he changed his mind and we began to read the all dreaded Shakespeare. Don’t get me wrong I mean no harm to our old jolly Englander’s but I hate, no… I despise Shakespeare. I must confess that my brief romance with William started at the age of eleven and quickly disappeared after I realized he was more obsessed with incest than the bible and that his ideas of love were twisted, deranged, and nothing like how I thought it should be. Life doesn’t have to be a tragedy. However, in real life, my life was a walking tragedy of course all teenaged girls would say that. Other than feeling abandoned and failing miserably at any kind of a social life things weren’t so bad.
Katie and I started to spend a lot of time together. Nearly every weekend you could find us at this club in Fort Worth called 9 Acres. She and I would drink before leaving the house so our buzz would last well into the night and especially while on the dance floor. Boys, so many boys. I can’t remember half their names and even less of their faces. They were all for Katie. All boys were made for Katie. Everyone wanted to be next to her. She had something that we all needed and she was more than eager to give it away.
Time flew fast; I was lucky enough to make a deal with Principal Henserling. He arranged for me to skip the eighth grade as long as I kept up my grades and no longer cut classes. The only catch was, I had to work on Saturdays at the school. I spent my Saturday mornings cleaning chalk boards and scraping underneath desks instead of sleeping in. I didn’t mind it so much. I was elated that I was catching up for the first time in my life instead of dragging behind.
I was accepted at Shannon Learning Center for the next school year, which was a special school for at risk teens. I could have been insulted at the assumption that I was at risk but it was something that I was willing to overlook. I was determined to get my education anyway I could. I didn’t want to wake up at the age of 40 with crows feet, two kids and find myself as a manager for a storage company. I guess in a way mom and dad forced me to see the harsh reality, it was them that inspired me without having to use any precious energy on their part to do so. It was their lack of life that made me want to breathe it all in, to feel everything intensely as possible. It was because of them that I questioned everyone and everything, I want more, I need more than what they had. I wasn’t asking for fame or fortune I only wanted to exist, to really exist.
The River boys drowned in their river and I hardly remembered who they were or why I once had any passion for them to begin with. Jason moved away, just like a lot of people kept moving away. But, I stayed. I seemed to have done allot of staying those days.
A month before summer break; Katie and I were hiding in at my house. Katie laid sprawled on the living room floor and I beside her. She and I were flipping through her infamous blue book. The blue book on men. She had the blue book value on each boy she ever came in contact with.
I never asked but always wondered how she came up with how she scored them. She seamed to me to have it all figured out, she was smart that way or maybe it was her intense glow of life that I wanted to drink. She had something, something that you can not touch but something much desired.
We were bored that night, our minds were restless which caused our bodies to want to roam. Any other weekend we wouldn’t have been confined to the house but my mother and father just bought a home in East Texas which left Katie and I on our own. Not a wise idea for mom and dad but a great opportunity for Katie and I to fuck up like we were notorious for doing. There was a name that she kept passing over; she put her fingers to her mouth, “Hmmm?” She drops her hand to the phone and dials a number, she is humming to herself. I wonder if she even knows how pretty she is? I will always envy her not for her beauty but her lack of knowing her beauty. She was never in competition like the other girls I knew.
“Who are you calling?” “Sh.” I lay quiet and motionless on the floor, my makeup done, fully dressed. I could feel the agitation from my brain all the way to my feet. My body trembled to just go somewhere, anywhere.
“Yes, may I please speak to Adam?” She sat on hold making faces at me while waiting for him to come to the phone. I made faces back at her, sticking my tongue out and crossing my eyes. She laughed and then her posture changed, her voice changed. She was playing a role to whom ever was on the phone.
“Hey, what are you doing, Adam?” She paused, looking shocked. “It’s Katie, silly. You know you remember me. Hey, come over to my friend’s house and see me. Umm, my friend Renee. No, you don’t know her. I don’t know where she lives, hold on.” She dropped the phone and poked me on my foot. She gave me her usual girly squeaky laugh, that if you didn’t know you’d assume was fake. “Where do you live?” She threw the receiver, having it land next to my head. I picked the phone up but not because she wanted me to, I just didn’t want anything else thrown at me, at least not tonight. “Hello, who is this?” “Hi, this is Adam.” “Okay, hi, Adam. I live right off of Airport Freeway, do you know where that is?“ It’s the split where 121 is, right?“ “Yeah, it is. Look for the first storage business on the right hand side after exiting and pull in, but make sure you honk otherwise we won‘t know you‘re here.“ “Are you talking about that RV storage place?” “Yeah, you’ve seen it then?” “Yeah, but I didn’t know anyone lived there?” “Yeah, well, I hear that allot.” “Is it alright with you if I bring a friend with me?” “I don’t care.” I handed the phone back to Katie and I stood up and stretched my arms above my head. I peeked down at the famous Katie Blue Book to see that Adam scored an 8 out of ten and next to his name was a circle which meant that she wanted to sleep with him but never did. If there had been a star in the circle than that would have meant that she slept with him, to her defense she only had two circled stars. If their was a smiley face next to their name this meant that she had kissed them and they kissed good. If their was a frowned face this meant that she had kissed them and it was a no go. Looking again down at his name in the book I could see a smiley face along with a note that said, “nice guy, great smile.”
Katie said her goodbyes than slung the phone back in the cradle. Katie was standing next to me wearing her pouting grin that always got us in trouble. I wasn‘t too worried, what could happen? I turned the radio on; it was half on a country station and half on an alternative station, I threw myself on the couch resting my head on one side and stretching my legs out to the other side. Katie turned the radio off and sat down next to me pushing my legs off. I pulled my knees into my chest, looked up at the ceiling and breathed in and out.
I would smoke a cigarette but I had none and I had no money, neither did Katie. Maybe it was best that we never had any money anyway because if we did we would have gotten in more trouble.
I was ready for anything, but it was that kind of eagerness that can get you locked up. The kind of troubled mind you’d do anything to get rid of, sometimes doing things that you don’t want to do; just to feel the relief of doing something, anything to feel as if you’re still alive.
22 minutes past 7:00 there was honking outside. I jumped and looked out the kitchen window. Two boys get out of an old blue El Camino but even though it was old it was in an immaculate condition. I watch as the boys make there way to the front of the house.
Katie opened the front door and let them inside. She put her arms around a dark haired boy wearing a baseball cap and he patted her on her back. I could tell by the way he pushed her aside and sat down on the couch he didn’t want to be there. He sat , stared around to seem distracted to avoid eye contact and conversation.
His friend was blonde, tall, and quiet, he looked very uncomfortable and just as forlorn as the dark haired boy who I guessed had to be Adam. Adam looked over at me, “This is really nice furniture.” Mom and dad had been buying all kinds of things and the furniture was their newest edition, but I really didn’t think he wanted to talk about that, he was just being polite. “Thank you,” I said. I kneeled down to sit beside Katie with my feet underneath the coffee table and sat across from Adam and Mr. Blonde.
Adam had been away at boarding school in New York and his friend was visiting Texas with him. Mr. Blonde’s dad was over seas and forbade him to go home alone so he was stuck following Adam all over Fort Worth until his dad could get back to the United States. Their school year was much different from ours; Katie and I would have fall, spring and summer break but for Adam and his friend they only got two breaks a year, Christmas and summer break. Adam and his friends’ summer break started before everyone else’s so he was already home until the beginning of next school year.
Adam had not always gone to boarding school. Katie boldly asked Adam without any tact, “So what the fuck did you do this time?“ “Katie!” I was shocked that she talked to him like that. “It’s okay”, he said and leaned forward. He came to Katie’s defense he wanted to reassure me that he had handled her abruptness before. He laughed throwing his hands in the air and shaking his head back and forth. “Do you really want to know? Again, laughter but louder and hysterical. “I made a bomb.“ “What?“ The words came out of my mouth before I could think. I looked at Adam afraid of what I just heard. Did he really just say that he made a bomb? “What did you say?” I didn’t get expelled at school I got expelled from home. My mom didn‘t want me at home.” His eyes shifted to me for a brief second and then fell away to rest on Katie once again. This gave Katie her chance to speak again. “Why did you make a bomb?” Katie frowned and wrinkled her nose. I watched Katie intensely as she probed Adam for answers. Her left hand ticked as if she were holding a cigarette in her hand. I could see Adam’s face change shape and take on a new color as she cackled. “I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.” He looked at me wanting me to know this fact. I looked back at him not afraid to talk now. I spoke quietly, I was not blurting out my words like I normally would. “So…why did you make a bomb?” “I don’t know.” Of course he knew why but he wasn’t about to tell a total stranger. The conversation turned on it’s heels. “What’s your name?” He shuffled in his seat; I paused watching him only to realize how intently my attention was on his movements and his voice. “Me?” He puzzled over this question because who else would he be talking to, he already knew everyone in the room but me. “Oh, yeah…Renee.” I smiled a little but looking down as I did, he must think of me as the girl who rides the short bus.
Adam was out of my league, he was elite and I was not. Minus the fact that he has a liking for explosives he is “almost perfect.” It was his presence alone that told me all I needed to know about him. The way he stood, walked, sat and spoke shouted out to me that he was from a better social class that I. There was no way to change the fact that he was so much unlike me so why dwell on it? Done, over, finished with. But?
He was so beautiful he was something to claim, something to possess, something to tame. I can’t lie to you I wanted him but I didn’t even know him.
I caught myself staring again as he went on to talk about winter time in New York, he had these huge dark brown eyes and long eyelashes that reached up toward somewhere I could never touch. His hands moved as he spoke; he moved with grace and elegance unlike any other man I had seen move or will ever see move. His olive complexion so unlike my snow touched skin drew me closer urging me to touch wanting to smell what I did not have. I try to shake this but I can’t. I stared at his body something I never took notice of on the opposite sex. I was not embarrassed to find him watching me watch him. He folded his arms after adjusting the cap on his head. His arms tightened underneath his Ralph Lauren pull over. He smiled at me flashing the whitest teeth. What a beautiful smile, I thought. I smiled back and looked at Katie who was watching the two of us with no concern. Normally I was attracted to thugs, not gutter trash do not misunderstand me. No, I liked pretty things that were twisted with a slight case of mental illness on the side. But, Adam was different he had rich prep written all over him. But, what is it? Could it be the attraction of wanting something you can’t have? I take notice, really take notice of what I had been missing out on by dating the bad boys. By the looks of it I should have switched teams awhile ago. I could have him if I played this right but I never get what I want by playing the way I should. So, why not have my fun. That’s what I was all about, fun with out any consequences.
“Hey, you.” I pointed my finger at him and smiled. “Will you do us a favor?” I smiled at Katie and quickly turned my attention back on Adam. “Sure”, he said standing up.
I was almost afraid to look at him, I don‘t know why but my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I felt the clicking of my tongue as I always did when I was nervous and words refused to come out of their jail cell. I paused; say something, hurry, you stupid girl. “Go and get me and Katie some cigarettes, get us something to eat too, we’re hungry.” He started for the door.
Katie was on the floor rolling and shaking her head back and forth. No way, I thought, he’s actually doing what I asked him to? Before I could say anything to stop him, Katie fumbled to reach him at the door. She put her hand up blocking him from leaving the house. “Hey, I want McDonalds.” He nodded his head to Katie; moved her hand off the door and stepped out. Mr. Blonde followed Adam Out the door. He was only doing what we asked of him and it was at that moment I felt bad for him, or maybe I felt bad for myself. Could it be that I was misusing another person? Maybe I’m not so different from everyone else after all.
I fell back on the floppy couch. “Katie, who is he?” “Who Adam?” “Yeah.” “He’s an ex of mine, Why?” “He’s kind of nice, I guess.” She laughed at this, not just a laugh she was rolling. But, I didn’t find this funny. I found it an insult that she was laughing at me. Why is it so funny? Katie dated him, she must think he’s okay to have ever gone out with him at all? Besides she was the one that called him over in the first place. She pulled a bottle of pills out of her purse and downed them with a glass of water. “What are those?” “Mini Thins, do you want some?” She handed the bottle out to me. “It says that it’s for asthma, Do you have asthma?” “No, just try a few, you’ll like them.” “Na, you go ahead.”
I sat up and ran to the record player. Even though I have many CD’s and a brand new stereo I never touched them. I still turn to my mom and dad’s record player and their records. Music is my comfort food, I use it as my crutch. I kneeled down on the floor surrounded by a hundred or so records. I closed my eyes and ran my hand over the stack of albums. “This one.” I pulled it up out of the sleeve and pressed my nose against the cold vinyl. The smell took me back just for a moment when father would sing and I would creep beside the door to listen. Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison. I picked up the needle and rolled it over to the fifth track, Cocaine Blues. “Katie.” “What?” “You want to Dosy-Doe?” “I would love to fucking Dosy-Doe.” Katie grabbed my arm and spun me around. We skipped back and forth throwing our arms up and down and then linked our arms together and ran around in circles until we fell on the floor screeching in laughter. I laid there holding my side and reached over and slapped Katie on the leg. She slapped me back, “I can‘t forget the day I shot that bad bitch down.” She sang aloud as I tried desperately to cover my ears from her squawking, Katie had many things going for her but having a voice fit for singing was not one of them.
I heard Adam pull back into the drive way several minutes later. I turned off the radio, Katie stood and opened the door waiting for them. I was unsure as to where to stand. The way I felt was hopeless desperation and a loss of teenage angst. He came walking in, quiet, but he wanted to say something, he was holding, he looked pissed. Something that I found very familiar, he reminded me of myself at that one brief moment.
He put the food and the drinks down on the coffee table and threw the cigarettes missing my face only by inches. “But, This isn’t what I smoke.” He walked up to me slowly as if to rip my face off, grabbed the cigarettes out of my hand and was walking out the door. “You never told me what to get.” “Its okay“, I said. I’m not sure why but I felt the urgency to apologize to him but decided against it. He turned around, threw them back at me.
“I got to go“, he said. Mr. Blonde walked out and Adam was following him both were sporting a new face of disgust. I didn’t stop him, I wanted to… but I didn‘t, he was not interested in staying and I was not going to make him.
I watched him leave. I stood beside the door my eyes cast down. What was this? Why did I really care anyway? I don’t even know him.
Katie sat down with her feet underneath the coffee table and started to eat. The car doors slammed in unison with my front door. Perfect timing. I lit a cigarette and fell down on the couch. “Aren’t you going to eat?” “I’m not hungry, you go ahead.”
What just happened? A total stranger came to see Katie and I want him for myself? But why? Katie only wanted him to come over because she is like everyone else. She uses people, but not me, I‘m not like that really. I’m lost; I’m hoping someone will find me.
“I’m going to take a bath.” Katie slammed chicken nuggets in her mouth and unapologetically started to talk showing partially devoured poultry in her mouth. “I thought we were going out? I could call someone else?” “I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow? I just want to take a bath and go to bed. Clean that when your done. Dad will have a fit.” “Goodnight, Renee.” “Yeah, goodnight.”
I have come to be known for my infamous baths. I light candles, I play music, I sing and soak for hours. I guess you can say that the bathroom is the only place that anyone ever finds peace, solace. No one can touch me, annoy me when I’m alone in the tub, unless you’re Katie.
Katie came into the bathroom just as I was about to analyze the meaning and connection of everyone’s existence and handed the phone to me. “Hello?” “Is this Renee, this isn‘t Katie is it?” “Yeah, this is Renee, who is this?” “Um, this is Adam, I just left your house. I didn’t mean to bother you, I was just wondering…. Would you like to see me later tonight?” Wow, but why? Don’t question it, don’t over analyze this time. “Umm, yeah. I just need to get dressed, I was in the bathtub.” “Okay, well, I will be there in an hour or so. I have to take care of some things before I can leave. Can you be ready in an hour?” “Um, um, yeah, that’s not a problem.” I smiled. I was jumping up and down on the inside. “Okay, so I’ll see you then. Okay, bye.” I screamed. I was ecstatic, I had been noticed after all. Katie came back in. “What is the matter with you? What are you screaming for? Jesus, I thought you were drowning or something. What did he want, anyway?” “He wants to see me tonight?” She didn‘t laugh, she was straight faced and matter of fact; she delve head first into my closet. “I’m not wearing that” I said as I wrapped a towel around my head. “Adam likes prissy girls; I am just trying to help you.” “No, thanks. I don’t want your help. I enjoy being me, thanks.” I went into my closet and found a flannel shirt and then thought about it again. I looked back at the black dress and then back again at a closet full of what looked like a homeless girls clothes. If I had been going out that night with any of my friends it would have been old Guess jeans that were hanging on literally by a thread, a Sonic Youth shirt, a flannel tied around my waist and my knock off Dr. Martens. Katie stuck the dress out in front of me shaking it as she did. She was right, it was the only logical choice I had at the time.
“Okay, alright. Damn, Katie.” I put the dress on in a hurry then ran my fingers through my wet hair and then through my head back and forth getting all the excess water off. I put my make up on and just as I walked in to the living room, I saw his head lights through the kitchen window. Here goes my stomach; it dropped and I was about to turn around and go back to my bedroom but Katie grabbed me by the elbow and pushed me toward the front door. I walked outside praying, hoping something will change his mind so I could back out of this whole thing without anyone getting their feelings hurt . He was standing in front of me with a dozen Orchid’s. My heart leapt , pounded
like a brick. What do I do? “Are those for me?” I had to ask because I still couldn’t believe that I was leaving the house with Adam and Katie wasn’t. Katie was standing behind me but then went back inside and closed the door behind her.
“They’re for you.” He looked puzzled why I had even asked. He handed them to me but unlike a movie or a cheap dime store novel I had no idea what to do. Mom, doesn’t tell you what to say or what to do when someone brings you flowers. No one had ever given me flowers before. “They’re pretty, thank you. I’ll be right back.” I stepped inside the house. I hit Katie in the face with the door causing her to step back, shaking her head as she did. “Oh, I am so sorry, are you okay?” “I’m fine.” She grabbed the flowers out of my hand while holding her nose and pushed me out the door. I was forced to face Adam again. He took off his hat, and folded his hands behind his back. “Can you take a ride?” I looked behind me but only could see the front door staring back at me. There was nothing to lose so, why am I hesitating? I am waiting for Katie to run out and rescue me saying that there is an emergency and that I can’t leave. She won’t come. “Sure.” I smiled but what I was really feeling was my stomach turning and banging along with my dizzy star filled brain and my heart, I can‘t contain the pounding in my chest. He held out his arm for me to take it, and he led me to his car and opened the door for me.
I sat down and then leaned over to unlock his side of the door. He sat down and turned on the engine. I smiled and reached over for my seat belt. “What kind of music do you like?” “Me? Oh, I like everything, I guess.” He smiled at me. “Do you like Enigma, then?” I never heard of them. “Yeah, they’re good.” It’s just a small lie, no harm done. He put in a CD and then backed out of the driveway. I listened closely for any sign from him, wishing for someone that I can already read, know their deepest thoughts. I wished I knew what would happen. I smoothed down my dress and fidgeted with my hands.
Should I mention that this is the first time that I have ever been in a car with a boy? No, definitely not. Should I mention that I like the way he smells? No, he‘ll think I‘m strange. Should I mention that I’m screwed up and he probably shouldn’t be with me? But….there is a part of me that would like to think that maybe I’m worthy, worth fighting for, worth living for even.
We kept driving, I never asked where we were going. It didn’t matter. It was close to 10:00 and I should be at home right now but I’m not. I’m here and I’m alive for this moment, I really am alive. Alive in all my youth and beauty for this one moment, maybe this is the moment that I will remember and cherish as an old woman, maybe this is the moment that I quietly remember to myself and secretly live in for years to come. The Summer has come early this year. The hot air feels like a lovers breath and breathes new life inside me. I stare off into the night waiting, desperately waiting for the right words to come. No words are needed I feel his hand rest on my inner leg dangerously close to where no man has treaded before; the forbidden territory. Instead of resisting I surrender.
“How old are you?” “I’m 15. What about you?” “I’m 16.” “What’s boarding school like?” “It‘s horrible.” “Why is it horrible?” “I don‘t know. I guess being monitored every single second and having no privacy has it‘s down sides. “Oh.” That’s all I could say was oh. What do I know about boarding school and trust funds, I have nothing to compare his life to mine, I could never understand his troubles.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” I laughed. “If I did I wouldn’t be here with you.” “Okay, good answer”, he smiled showing me once again that perfectly white smile, the all American boy smile.
“Are you a virgin?” My smile faded and I was then searching for a way out of the car. He must have known that he asked the wrong question. “I’m sorry. I was only asking because you don’t seem anything like Katie. God, I’m sorry.”
“I can’t think of why I should answer that question. But, yeah, I am. As for Katie; well, she‘s my friend and I obviously know her better than you do.” I was precise and to the point and I would have appreciated a ride back home.
“Hey, I wasn’t trying to be an asshole. God, I’m stupid.”
There you have it boys and girls. He made me feel bad. If anything I was wanting him to think I was exceptional and unique and not how I made him feel stupid.
“Have you ever been to Grapevine Lake?” I searched my memory. “No, I don’t think so.” “Do you want to go there with me?” “Is that where you’re going?” “I was thinking about it.” “Yeah, I’ll go, with you. I mean go there with you…that is.” He laughed. “Will you relax?” “Sorry.” “Don’t be. Don‘t ever say you‘re sorry to me.”
He drove holding on to my hand. I leaned back into my seat and for a second closed my eyes. It was the warm air that night that made me want to be more, to ask for more and to expect more.
Adam drove until we reached what looked like an empty boat dock and then got out. I went to open my door but he shouted, “No, I got it.” He laughed.
I stared into the murky water. The wind caused the water to ripple and I was desperately looking for anything to look at or to think about other than Adam. I followed behind him watching his footsteps quietly landing in perfect time with mine. If the stars shined that night I wouldn’t have known because my eyes were stuck on the only thing that mattered.
I followed him underneath an oak tree. He put his hand to my cheek and leaned in to kiss me. I met his lips with mine and melted next to him. I touched his perfect skin and smelled him. He groped, clumsily, feeling his way around as if he lost something inside my dress.
I stopped and pushed him away. Yes, I wanted more but of what I wasn’t sure. I still wasn’t quite sure how all of it worked. I didn’t want to have it explained to me and I wasn’t ready to find out tonight.
“Do you want to walk?” “Is that okay?” “Yeah, of course it is. Don’t ever think that I would make you do something you don’t want to. I’m not that kind of guy, you can trust me.” I believed him, yes, there was something about that beautiful smile and his deep brown eyes that made me believe anything that moved passed his lips.
We hardly spoke and he kept staring into me, trying to see through me, wanting to understand some secret that I held. He frightened me. He was intense; if I had looked any longer at him my eyes would have burst into flames and my heart would have turned upside down. I believed at that moment that he wanted to know what I had to say, what I did, how I treaded submissively, if I even so much as breathed he wanted to be there to see it.
The ride home was silent if it wasn’t for the few smiles he flashed my way I would have forgotten he was there.
“Can I call you later?” Adam stood at my front door. I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to be full of everything that was him. “I would like that.” He walked away and I watched his tail lights until they were gone.
Katie opened the door just a crack. “Is he gone?” “Yeah, he left.” “Well, well, well, looks like you found something to take your mind off of, what’s his name, oh, yeah, Tracy.” “Shut up.” We both laughed and I fell to the floor. I was exhausted and pleased at the same time. My body tingled as I looked over at the orchids that Katie had put in a vase. This would be bliss if he had been Tracy. But he’s not Tracy and he never will be.
“Katie?” “What’s up?” She lit a cigarette and put it in my mouth. “Are you okay with me seeing, Adam?” “Oh, come on. Are you really asking me that question?” “Is that a yes?” “I don’t care, Renee. If you are into that kind of thing, go for it.” “I really like him. It’s crazy, I don’t even know him. You won’t believe what he asked me, though.” I paused afraid to speak. “He asked me if I was a virgin.” Katie blew smoke out of her nose and her chin fell. “Why would he ask you that?” “I don’t know. Why is it such a big deal, anyway? Who cares if I’ve ever been… you know. I don’t care. The way I see it I can’t be missing out on much. Disease, pregnancy, guilt, I’m just ready to sleep with someone let me tell ya.” “It’s not like that.” “How is it like, then?” “I don’t know. Like a commitment, a bond. I don’t know how to explain it.” “Did I ever tell you that I wanted to be a nun?” Katie grinned her infamous all teeth smile without saying a word. “What’s so wrong with that?” “You, a nun? Come on. You‘re not catholic for one” “No, I’m serious.” “But you would be missing out on so much.” “Really, like what? If you know something that I don’t please tell me.” If Katie held the secret to life I demanded that she tell me. “I don’t know, Renee. Shit, it’s different for everyone, I guess.” “So far I’ve fucked things up pretty bad.” “Oh, whatever, you have not. I bet he‘s driving home right now wondering what color underwear you‘re wearing.” “ That’s not what I meant. Why is your head always dirty? I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Katie.” “Goodnight.” I watched Katie lean over and turn on the lamp and continue searching her blue book. The blue book is no longer just a conversation piece it has became it’s own entity. It lives and breathes as humanly possible.
I was unable to sleep that night. I was waiting for the phone to ring. It never did. Maybe I just imagined it and tomorrow I will wake up and realize it was all pretend, a fantastic and captivating hallucination.
School was almost over and a week passed before I heard from Adam again. I walked outside after classes and there he was, standing in front of his car, his hands clasped in front of him. He was wearing a blazer and dress pants. I was wearing my long black dress and combat boots. If I would have known he was coming I would of worn something different. “What are you doing here?” “I’m sorry is it okay?” He opened the car door for me and I got in. He walked around to the other side of the car. “Adam I can’t stay long, my mom will be here any moment.” “Don’t worry about that.” “Why?” “I went over to your house and your mom said I could pick you up from school. She said it would be fine if I took you home.” “Why didn’t you call me?” He looked nervous as I asked. I grabbed his hand and forced him to look at me. He dropped his eyes to his car keys that passed clumsily through his fingers. “Not here.” “What? What do you mean?” I got in his car but I was thinking it was a mistake, I should turn around, I should just walk home. He started the car and was slowly heading toward my home. “Answer me. I‘m not playing games with you, I hate playing games.” “Okay, but, I didn’t want to tell you like this.” I just want him to stop the melodrama what the fuck is it already? “Damn it, what is it?” I was getting sick of his weird choice for entertainment. He was trying my patience. “I had a girlfriend in New York, I wanted to end it with her before you and I got serious.” I laughed. “What makes you think I was going to get serious with you anyway?” Of course I wanted him, I was sure I made that clear but he never called me and never gave me any sign that he wanted it to go further than it did last weekend. Besides, I was sure he only wanted what was between my thighs. Why else did he as the virgin question?
He stopped in front of my house. I was hurt that he hadn’t told me sooner, I may have understood, but not now, how do I know if he really ended it with the mystery girl in New York? He would be gone after the summer and I would be here in Texas. I couldn’t let my self become attached to him. I am not setting myself up for disappointment. I won’t do that again. I don’t deserve that. He looked shocked that I was turning him down. I didn’t care; how is that he thinks that I am just going to stop my life to be with someone that couldn‘t even tell me up front he had a girlfriend. Withholding the truth is the same as lying.
“I hope you change your mind.” “Adam…don’t hold your breath.“ I closed the car door.
I walked through the office and as usual mom had her face down in paperwork. She should have picked me up. I watched him from the office window drive off. Yeah, it hurt but I had to make the right choice and I did. I did, right?
I kept my nose clean all the way to the very end. I attended every class, I worked every Saturday like I vowed to do and now I was ready to move forward. Adam didn’t call, I never called him it was best that way. I hadn’t had time to see Nichole she had her own life these days. Nichole was practicing for the upcoming Drill Team try out for L. D. Belle and surprisingly was still in a stable relationship with my cousin Kenney. The River Boys were hopefully still drowning. I sat alone on most days just existing. Which is what most of us do anyway, exist.
The last day of school was a half day. Katie came over after school. She and I were planning on going out that night and Erica was supposed to meet up with us.
Katie and I were laying down in the back of dads truck when the spectacularly clean blue El Camino flew into the driveway. Katie sat straight up. “Is that Adam?” “Oh, God, make him go away, Katie, please.” I hid behind her back hoping that he hadn’t seen me. “That’s your problem, you deal with it.” She walked inside the house leaving me exposed, open and alone with him. “Damn you, Katie.”
I met him at the end of the drive. “Hey, what’s up?” I could see mom staring out the window to see what I was doing. “I just wanted to stop by and say hello.” He opened his car door and stepped out. He was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball cap. He was so very good looking and it was hard to be mean to him.
“I’m not going back to New York after the summer. I failed a few of my classes and so my dad decided to let me go to Shannon next year.” My heart stopped. He can’t go to Shannon, I was going to Shannon next year. That’s not fair!
“I am too.” He smiled his perfect smile. “Can you leave?” “I’m with Katie today.” “Oh. Where is she?” “She’s inside?” “Is she mad at me?” “No, why would she be?” “Because of what happened…you know.” “I didn’t tell her.” “Oh. Well, if you change your mind I can stop by and get you and Katie later.” “Thanks, Maybe later?” “May I call you later?” “I don’t know is there anything else that you need to tell me? Do you have a wife somewhere, any illegitimate children?” I threw my head back and laughed. He smiled. “I guess I deserve that. The answer is no and no. So, I‘ll see you later then?” “Yeah, okay, well, maybe, I don‘t know. I don‘t know?“ He stood watching me as I indecisively stumbled through words and my footing. I fell back into the wall. Whatever, it doesn’t matter that I just looked like and idiot. I found my way back into the house and slammed the door. “He seems like a nice kid?” “Whatever, mom. You would think that wouldn‘t you.“ Mom shook her head, she never knew what to say to me these days and never knew when she would say something that would make me fly off the handle. Mom walked back in the office to bury herself in paper work as usual.
Katie cornered me as I was rounding the corner to the bathroom. “What was that all about?” “Nothing.” “Bullshit.” “Nothing, okay.” “Did you sleep with him?” “What, you’re kidding me, right? You know me better than that, girl.” “So, why are you avoiding him then?” I couldn’t escape her glare, if I didn’t tell her she may try to beat it out of me. “He had a girlfriend in New York that he forgot to mention.” “So, what’s the problem?” “Do you not see the problem with that? Come on.” “So, he had a girlfriend. Does he still have a girlfriend?” “He said he broke it off with her but how do I know if he’s telling the truth?” “I know Adam better than that. He really is a good guy besides if he didn’t have to mentioned her.“ She had a point and maybe I was being too harsh. “Are you sure?” “Yeah, ease up a bit. You’ll never get laid acting like a psycho.” “Thank you.” I rolled my eyes and passed through her. Katie left a few hours later. She promised her mom to help with her nephew but, I could have sworn that she promised me a night out.
9:00 pm ; the phone rang. “Did you change your mind?” “Change my mind about what?” “Do you and Katie still want to come out?” “Katie’s not here.” “Where is she?” “She had to baby sit.” “Well, do you want to go out?” “I don’t know if that’s a good idea?” “Why not? Listen, I know I came off like I was a cheater but I’m not.” “I never said that.” “You don’t have to. I really like you. I just want to see you. I won’t lie to you ever again.” “I don’t know.” “Oh, come on. Please?” “Where are we going?” “Wherever you want.” “I don’t care. I just can’t stay out long.” “I’ll be there in an hour.” “Alright.”
I was dressed that night in my Bongo jeans, a blue baby doll tee and some brown sandals. I didn’t care where we went but I wanted to be comfortable. I threw my long red hair up in a pony tail.
He came to the front door and asked my mom if he could see me. I walked to the living area and picked up my Dooney and Burke on the way out the door. “Bye mom.” We walked out to his car and he opened the door for me. I got in and reached over to open the door for him.
He was quiet as we drove. “Where are we going?” “My house, I want you to meet my mom.” “I’m not dressed for that.” “You look fine.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, we’re just going to watch a movie and maybe play some pool.” “Okay. I guess that’s okay. What’s your mom like?” “She’s my mom.” “Oh.” “Relax.” “Okay.”
His house was huge; it stood on a hill and was surrounded by trees and a beautiful manicured lawn. Its not that I have never been exposed to wealth that’s not it. It’s not that I felt too unworthy. Someone might think I am partial to what I am used to; I am used to the rail road tracks, work trucks, and meat and potatoes. Okay, maybe that’s it; I feel the most comfortable in the familiar. Adam was very much like a River Boy with class. Adam gave me every reason to put him on a pedestal and so I did.
We sat and talked all night. Adam even kept his distance and his hands to himself. He was a Christian and told me his beliefs and thoughts. He didn’t smoke or drink, he loved music. More importantly, it was the way he looked at me when I talked to him. Tracy never did that. It was never that way between us. When he listened to me he would stop everything he was doing or about to say. If I wasn’t too careful I could lose my heart.
We left his house that night; as he drove me home we stopped in the country. We walked around the grounds, he stopped for a moment and rested on a tree. I came to rest my back against his chest.
We continued where we left off. He reached over and touched my cheek with his fingers. I was no longer a jaded angel. Everything is new. He pulled me close as if he had to have me right there. He kissed me. His lips and fingers trembled, I could hear his pulse, I could feel his breath on my neck, I ran my palm down his shirt to feel his chest. I felt tremors; the world was falling all around us. It started to rain but it didn’t stop either one of us. We stayed close to one another, not willing to let go as if an invisible force were trying to separate us. We were soaked in summer rain and eagerness. His mouth fell below my neck as his hands shaking removed my blouse. I raised my arms to help him; I raised my arms in surrender. My head fell back when his lips touched my stomach. I grabbed his face and brought him closer to me. I touched his lips with my fingers running them down to his chin. I’m in trouble; I would never be able to stop this. Self control is no longer an option.
We laughed as the lightning came close to us and we ran to make it back to his car. We ran feet dragging in the mud.
He kissed me again when we pulled in to my drive way, I would try to leave but he kept pulling me toward him. “I have to go.” “Don’t go.” I have to.” “If you must.” I gave him one final kiss on those perfect lips as I slid out the car.
I walked inside the house shutting the door behind me. Dad never even looked up to see me. He was too involved with a Banana Split and the BBC to notice that his daughter was drenched and 45 minutes late. I took a shower and could feel that notorious curve of the lips form. I was in a daze, what is this? I have an infatuation with someone that returns the favor. Whatever this is, whatever this turns out to be, will be worth remembering. The insatiable climb; falling in love is not falling at all it is an insatiable climb.
The days passed and I was happy, truly happy. The looming animosity that had always hovered over me slipped away as Adam moved closer into my life.
Katarina and I had become close again as well. She had stopped doing drugs and was doing her best to clean up her life. She was even planning a trip with the kids to Disney World. For the first time ever I was truly proud of her but I couldn’t help but to think that her roller coaster was still running and wasn’t done turning upside down.
Adam would show up as much as he could. I felt peace when I was with him and even when I wasn’t with him. When we were together we were sinless. We would drive, go swimming at Grapevine Lake and have picnics. We never fought; it was “almost perfect” as we both said so many times.
I no longer stayed home, I rarely even slept in my own bed. I would sneak out at night just to sleep in the same bed as Adam. If I couldn’t touch his skin with mine I felt that something was missing.
Alice, Adam’s mother was a free spirit, she was the original hippy chick and I grew up in a repressed, psychotic house where I wasn’t even allowed to mention my monthly visitor. Alice asked me one day weather or not Adam and I had made love. I was shocked. “No.” “Do you love each other?” “Yes, well, I love him.” I felt out of place and just as I felt when Adam asked me if I was a virgin that first night I was searching for a way out of Alice’s conversation and eye glare. “Renee, there’s nothing dirty about it, I just wanted to tell you that. If you ever want to ask me anything you can always talk to me.” I nodded and gave my best impression of an understanding smile.
The endless summer finally came to an end, he and I both enrolled at Shannon. We both felt time flying by and also the impending feeling that something was missing. I never felt that I could get close enough to him and he felt the same about me. If we had been older we would have eloped. But I think even in our youth and foolishness we both knew how insane and even dangerous it was that our relationship had become obsessive.
Adam insisted that I dress a certain way, I wear my hair a certain way and that I carry the pager he bought me at all times. Adam was no longer fun and exciting he had become older than necessary and even enjoyed telling me how to act in public. I questioned what I was doing but I knew he was good for me. He was steady and promised me a life without complication. Adam was going places and he chose to take me with him.
Adam seemed to have it all figured out, he had a good job, made good grades, had nice friends and family. It was because I wanted to be with him that I would have done anything to please him. For the record this may “not” be love, young and fellow stupid girls please, I beg that you listen to me. Love is accepting of who you already are; not what you can become.
It was a month or two after school started, his mother was gone most of the time. She traveled any chance she got, South Africa, Jamaica, The Netherlands, England, and New York. Leaving two teenagers in a house alone may not have been the best idea.
One night after dinner he asked me if I thought I was ready; ready to commit my self to him. “I am committed to you, don’t you know that?” I finished washing the last dish but kept on cleaning it not wanting to make eye contact with Adam. Why aren’t there any more dishes left to clean? I would have done anything to avoid this conversation, where are all the dirty dishes in the world when you need them?
“I love you,“ he said. “I love you too, Adam.” He kneeled down on both knees and covered his face in my body. I turned to him and ran my hands through his hair. He raised his eyes to look at me; he was yearning. I knew the look he was giving me. There is something different this time, I don’t want to say no anymore. I am tired of fighting the urge and I want to keep Adam happy. I want Adam as my husband one day so, if I make love to him now or ten years from now it’s going to happen one way or another. Why not sooner rather than later?
When he started to undress me in his room, I dare not say no. I wanted him more than anything. His eyes never turned from mine. When I started to wince from the pain he would stop and lay beside me touching my face and kissing me until I was ready again.
Sleep comes fast for tired young lovers and I slept in Adam’s arms all night.
We were inseparable. Where I was, he was, where he went, I went. Temporary bliss is the only perception that crossed my screaming brain because I am still waiting for the ball to drop. I wanted to believe that he was the part of me that had been missing. When love comes she makes you blind to all the bad, you never see the wrong, you never think to look closer.
I started working that year at Bellaire Theater, and he was there every night after work to pick me up. I had total freedom, my own money; I had independence to do and be with whomever I wished. My mother and father never once asked where I was or who I was with. They trusted Adam deeply, so did I.
I trusted him with my body and soul. He was my savior and I was his lamb.
I had stopped smoking and lost even more weight since he worked at a gym. He loved to preach about total perfection of body and health. I bought into it. I would have changed my habits, hair, body, personality, all of me; just to suit Adam.
My sixteenth birthday was here. I would soon be experiencing more freedom. I got my driver’s license with my sister’s help believe it or not. Katarina paid for my lessons and even loaned me money for my first car. My car wasn’t much to look at. Adam and I spent every day after school fixing up the old Mustang. Dad would even come out on the weekends to tinker with the rust bucket.
Through all of this I never saw or spoke to anyone outside of work or school. I was wrapped in a perfect little bubble. Nichole, Erica, Katie, and the River Boys no longer existed. Frustration ceased to belong in my world.
School was easy and I found myself loving every second of it. I started to write for the paper and worked with the yearbook as the year progressed. I enjoyed my life. I am happy to be, I am happy to be ordinary.
Two weeks after Valentine’s day Erica’s mother called me. “Renee, can you come over this weekend?” “Tina?” “Yeah, this is Erica’s mom.” “Oh, my God, how are you?” “We’re all okay. Everyone misses you. It seems like all you girls ever do is work.” “I don’t know if I can come over. I have to work this weekend. I made plans with Adam too.” “Oh, okay.” “Wait!” I paused. Why not go? I miss them. I miss being a girl, and I miss all the trouble I used to get into. “I miss you guys too. Yeah, Yeah, I’ll definitely be there.” “I have a few rules. I won’t be here so you girls will be here alone but, Erica’s Uncle will stop by to check on you girls. That means no boys.” “I wouldn’t do that. You know me better than that.” “Yeah, well, I was a teenager once too.” “You have my word. I promise, Ma.” “Make sure Erica and Katie do the same.” “Oh, come on. You can trust us.” “Come over any time Friday.” “Okay, tell everyone that I love them.”
So, I called into work first. I hadn’t missed a single day since I had been there. They didn’t care they just hired two new girls anyway.
All I had to do was tell Adam. He wouldn’t mind. After all we trusted each other. I would have never been unfaithful to him.
He came to see me that night like always. We sat and watched TV in my room, he played his guitar. We seemed to be like an old married couple which at times was stifling to me.
He strummed, I looked away. “Adam, do you mind if we cancel this weekend?” He banged his hand down on the strings. “Why? We’ve been planning my mom’s birthday party?” “I want to go see Katie and Erica.” “Why?” “I miss them.” Adam sat his guitar down next to where he sat and placed his hands in his lap. He started to shake, his eyes moved to the ground. “Are you fucking someone else?” He was calm as he asked me the unthinkable. He was holding back, his body started to shake more. “WHAT?” I screamed. How could he dare ask me that. “You heard me.” He gripped his hands to the side of the chair he moved uncomfortably and he dropped his head but not in shame he was working his best to maintain self control. “You’re a pig you know that? Just go.” I raised my hands in disbelief, walked to my door and opened it. “I only asked you a question so, answer me?” He raised only his eyes and snarled as he spoke. Was he growling at me? “I’m not answering that question.” He jumped up from his chair and grabbed me by the throat. I brought my hands up to his to his hands which now squeezed tighter around my throat. His eyes were staring right through me like they always had but these eyes were black, not the warm autumn that I had come to know and love. I was scared. This isn’t Adam. “Answer my question.” He has still remained composure in his voice but his actions showed something else. I was gasping for air I couldn’t speak but I pleaded with my eyes for him to let me go. He let go. Now the tears came to me hot, wet, the sticky kind of tears that cling to your cheeks. I gasped for air. “No, I’m not. I would never do that.” He backed away from me but never turned his back, picked up his things and walked out. I stood paralyzed with my head against the wall.
The thoughts came along with the sobs. I came to the conclusion that maybe I had dislocated myself from the world. I never had freedom at all. Adam had decided everything for me. I can’t, I won’t live like this, I thought. How could anyone be afraid of the person that they had given their passion, love and body to? This isn’t love after all.
I had lost all of my freedom to become what he wanted and what he needed. To meet his expectations, I lost my friends, I had forgotten who I was. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to break away, I had to end it. How do I do that?
I called his pager and left a message on his voice mail. “I’m not what you want, you know that. This isn’t working. Go on without me.”
The next morning I drove my Mustang to school. This surprised my mom since I always rode with Adam.
“Where is Adam?” “He’s not feeling well.” I didn’t have the courage to tell her what happened. I was not that brave.
I never saw Adam at school. He was on the other side of campus. I felt safe. He couldn’t touch me at school. For the rest of the week I drove myself back and forth to school. Mom and dad never asked why and I never told.
Friday came and I drove over to Erica’s. I hummed quietly. I am Renee once again, no longer an expectation not met in Adam‘s eyes. Nothing could go wrong, I had done it after all. I was free. I was me.
Katie had brought over some music and something to drink. We sat up “HOT DAMN” on the living room coffee table. We drink shot for shot. I was alive with these girls. No matter what happened these girls were my family. Katie stood on the couch and sing. “Make up your mind, decide to walk with me, around the lake tonight, around the lake tonight, by my side.”
Erica and I took a shot every time she messed up the lyrics, after a while she started messing the lyrics up on purpose.
The Hot Damn was almost gone by now and we sat down to watch The Crow for the millionth time. Erica’s head lay in my lap and my feet rested in Katie’s. My eyes started to close because I couldn’t stand the spinning of the room any longer. All three of us fell asleep.
The front door came crashing open. The three of us girls sat up startled, shocked staring into the monstrous face that was Adam. He pulled me by my hair into the kitchen across the cold blue linoleum. I hit at his hands. I kicked my feet but be held on tighter, pulled harder.
Erica and Katie both jumped up running toward me; they had no idea how to help me, they could only watch. He pushed my face into the refrigerator and then let go of my hair, he was walking through the whole house opening and closing doors. “I’m calling the police.” Katie was screaming and searching for the phone.
“What’s going on, what’s wrong with him?” Erica kneeled down beside me talking slow, I could hear her but I couldn’t answer. Katie found the phone and started to dial. I was scrambling to get up off the floor. I grabbed the phone from Katie. “Let me handle this, please. Don‘t call the police.” Don’t cry, Renee not now. I have to show him, I have to show him that he can‘t break me.
I walked from room to room trying to find him. He was on his knees in Erica’s room searching under the bed.
“Adam, you have to leave.” I was calm. If I showed emotion in my voice he would only feed off of it. “You fucking whore. Are you drinking? Where are they hiding, Renee?” He has lost his mind. I go to open my mouth but I watch the way I speak to him. I speak calmly and look into his eyes. “Where is who hiding? No one is here but me, Erica and Katie.” “You’re lying to me.” He got up off of his knees and started opening closet doors. “I’m serious, you have to go. You’re scaring everyone. Katie’s going to call the cops, just leave. No one wants you to get in trouble.”
He turned slowly moving his head looking more and more like the exorcist and not the man I loved. He stopped, grinned and rested his eyes into mine. “She’s going to call the cops?” He broke eye contact with me then, staring toward the other end of the house. He was screaming and laughing at the same time. “Katie, you bitch. Are you going to call the cops on me? Go ahead you little tramp, it’ll be the last thing you do.” “Adam, stop it. Stop it!”
He grabbed me by my arm walking me to the living room. He tried to pull me through the front door but I broke free. I wasn’t leaving anywhere with him. I was shaking. This can’t be happening. “Please. Leave, please.” I was pleading, begging him, I would have done anything at that moment for him to just go. He walked out of the house as if nothing happened and drove off; the three of us girls watched his lights as he pulled away. Katie was still clutching the phone in her hands.
“Is that the way he treats you?” Katie wanted to scream at me but she wasn’t sure why. “No, he’s never done that before.” I lied. This was the second time that he used his hands to show me how he felt. I felt ashamed, dirty even. Erica walked away into the kitchen. I walked through the front door to the end of the drive way staring down the street to see the fading tail lights at the end of the road. Katie came to stand next to me.
I cried, Katie clutched my hand, I wanted to say something but what would she think of me? She would think of me weak. “I’m sorry.” “What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything.“ She walked back in the house carefully pulling me with her still holding on to my hand. Katie smiled a slow grin. “let’s have a shot.” I slouched down on the sofa rubbing my face where Adam slammed it into the refrigerator. “I really don’t want anymore to drink.” Katie sat down beside me and slammed down a shot. “Damn. Renee, do you need to say anything?” “I don’t want to talk.” Katie removed herself from the couch and was whispering to Erica in the kitchen occasionally looking back at me in disapproval. I want this to go away. I want this to be easy. I want my life back.

I heard the El Camino drive back up but made no attempt to acknowledge. Katie walked outside to stop him. “Leave her alone. She doesn’t want to talk to you.” I walked to stand in the doorway to watch him. Adam was now a car wreck that no matter how much you didn’t want to look; you find yourself staring in morbid curiosity. He moved out around her and stepped up to me. He dropped to his knees. “I’m so sorry. God, I didn’t mean to.”

“Go away, Adam.” I was doing my best to hold back my tears. I kept thinking this is the man that I lost my virginity to. Someone that I thought I could live forever with.
“I’ll go away if you just talk to me first.” “No.” “We could talk tomorrow.” What? I don’t want to spend one minute with this crazy person especially not tomorrow alone. But then if I did agree, I could get him to leave and never have to see him again.
I wiped the tears away on the end of my shirt and stood up. “Get off your knees.” He got up and moved to touch my arm. He was desperately trying to embrace me but I stood as a statue. Erica and Katie were both staring at him. Ready to make a move if he struck.
“Okay, tomorrow.” I was not surrendering that easy but he didn’t know that. “Thank you. I love you so much.” I felt the eyes of Kate and Erica burning holes into the very core of my soul. “Renee, no.” Kate screamed and came to stand in between me and Adam. “Adam, you’re a piece of shit.” Katie moved her hands up and before I could stop her; she pushed Adam a few feet back. “Katie, don’t fucking touch me. This is between me and Renee, stay out of it.”
“Both of you stop it. I can’t handle this. Adam, please go home. Please, I am begging you to get in your car and go home.” “Do you really want me to leave?” He looked at me in disbelief and hurt. “That’s what I’m asking you to do. Leave.” He pulled his keys out of his front pocket and dangled them clumsily between his fingers. He was in shock that I didn’t want to be near him. Does he even know what he’s doing? Does he even have any concept of how poisonous he is? He looks to me, to Katie and then back to me. I know the look he is giving me now. He is surrendering. “Then I’ll go.”

The rest of the night I sat by the door waiting for him to come back but he didn’t. I watched the darkness turn to light and for what? Just lost sleep.
I saw him again the next day, my mother let him in to the house. I heard a soft tap on the door. “Renee, may I please come in?” I opened the door slightly just enough to peer into the now warm autumn eyes. He is Jackal and Hyde, a true psychopath and he doesn’t even know it.
“I deserve anything you do to me.” “Why did you come here? What do you want.” “Please let me see you. Please, open the door. You said you would see me today. You promised. Just let me explain, please.” I sat up on my bed and stared at him. My eyes squinted; I wanted to beat his brains in. My face was sporting a new black bruise across my forehead and I have him to thank for it.
“Hit me.” “I don’t want to hit you, Adam. That doesn’t solve anything. I don’t want to be with you anymore, because you hurt me. I don’t love you. Can’t you understand that? Please, let me go, let this…. Go. Because…I can’t do this. I‘m done.”
He watched intently as I spoke. He was crying now. He lay down on my bed beside me. I stood, walked away. I walked out of my room and left him there. I was in the restroom with the door locked. Not that a locked bathroom door could stop him if he turned into Hyde again but it was a shallow comfort none the less to be behind a locked door. I sat quiet in a corner. Please, just leave, just go away. I stayed in the corner; my knees to my chest waiting until I heard the sound of his footsteps and the closing of my front door.
That week at school, was really hard for me. Adam started to appear even more than he normally did. He watched me during lunch, even though he was not supposed to be there the same time the freshmen were. After school he sat in his car and watched me until I drove off. He would follow me in his car home and drive off as I walked into the house.
I avoided him as much as I could. I sat close to as many people as possible to make him less encouraged to come to me.
The next weekend Katie and I went to my sisters together. Katarina was on a pedestal a few months before but she always seemed to knock her self off. And at this time she had sunk lower than I thought humanly possible even for her. At the time Katarina was working nights in a club and she needed to have someone there on the weekends to watch the kids, she was more tired on the weekends because of how many clients she had.
My sister was falling apart. Her way of life is ruining her and her marriage. I knew she was miserable because you would never see her sober. When she woke up she would do a line of coke, before she went to bed she would smoke a joint. She loved to get Katie high but I stayed away from her as much as I could never forgetting what she had done to me with the laced pot.
It was a Saturday night, maybe 3:00 in the morning. Katie and I were asleep in the living room and the kids were already in bed.
Katie woke me up by shaking me violently. “Renee, get the fuck up.” I could hear Jordan calling me from the master bedroom, he was screaming my name.
It was a panicked voice; something I had never heard before because he was a man of composure, never raising his voice more than a whisper and never talking unless it was necessary.

I walked to their bedroom door and slowly pushed it open. What I saw horrified me. Jordan was sitting on Katarina’s stomach and holding her wrists above her head.
“Help me.” Jordan was asking for my help but I had no idea what to do. I left the room to step out into the hall.
Katie met me in the hallway. “What is the matter with her? What’s going on?” Katie had all the questions and I had none of the answers. We both turned and walked into the bedroom closing the door behind us so as to not wake the children. Katie and I both got on the bed, I sat as close to Katarina as I could. Katie sat just behind me. Katarina was crying and looked as if she was in pain. “Let go of her.” I screamed at Jordan. “She’ll hurt herself, I can’t.” My voice was in a whisper. “What’s wrong, Katarina?” I tried to look into her eyes, to read her emotions but she kept her eyes closed. “I just want to die“, she was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. Katie spoke slowly and precise. “What did she take?” Katie jumped into action. She was searching the room for the culprit. Katie pored out the contents of Katarina’s purse on the bed. She began opening all of the drawers in the bedroom and the bathroom. She found coke in her purse and some pills in a lower drawer in the bathroom. “Katarina, please tell me, what did you take?” Katie flushed the drugs down the toilet. “Jordan, do you want me to call an ambulance?“ “What do you think we should do?“ “I’m calling 911.“ I picked up the phone and told them that my sister was trying to kill herself and that we were not sure what drugs she had taken.
Katie was standing at the door ready to open it when the ambulance had arrived. But only the police came. They handcuffed Katarina in her bed room and walked her out of the house. Stephanie and Anna had woken and sat in mine and Katie’s lap when the police escorted my sister out the house. I wanted to shield them from seeing her being arrested. My only comfort was they were young and they wouldn’t remember any of it. Jordan left the house with my sister leaving Katie and I to tend to the children. I tucked them back in bed and called my mom and dad. Mom was crying but dad said nothing at all. Mom told me to get rest, that they would be there to pick Katie and I up in the morning along with the kids. “Have all of the bags packed, be ready to go early.” This was all that mom said to me before hanging up. I wanted to ask her a million questions at that point but knew better. Mom didn’t have the answers, no one had the answers.
The next morning my mother and father were there to get Katie and I and to take Stephanie and Anna home with them.
To my surprise another addition had come along. Adam stood between my mom and dad. After the night before I so much wanted to be in his arms. To hear him say, “It’s okay.” I so much wanted Adam to have my answers. It was either that or I must be a masochist.
Adam put his arms around me and said nothing, there were no need for words. He understood, he knew everything at that moment.
Katie was shocked and disgusted. Adam’s presence was a betrayal to her. I knew exactly what she was thinking and under normal circumstances I would be thinking the same as her. But, Adam could give me what I needed as no one else could.
I rode to Fort Worth with Adam in his car. He stayed quiet and motionless except for his hand intertwined with mine.
I wasn’t scared or sad for Katarina; I was worried. I was afraid of waking one day to find I was just like her. What is it that happened to make her want to hurt herself? Were her children not enough of a reason to stay alive? What was missing in her life that appears to be present in mine? Katarina and I had the same childhood, the same disappointments and silent deadly corruption. Katarina and I were similar in so many ways but I became strong enough to suffer in silence she has not learned the part of a martyr as well as I have.
He and I went back to his house. He lay with me in his room while I cried. He made love to me. I wanted to feel him inside me, I wanted to feel anything except the feeling of hopelessness and sadness.
Adam and I accepted the fact that he made a mistake. He wanted to do anything to make it right again. No one is perfect and who am I to deny him forgiveness.
I quit my job in order to focus more on school. I didn’t want to fail, and I wanted to have good marks so that I could attend college one day.
Adam was very much in to school as well. He had started a “club” for up coming law students. He changed his appearance cutting his hair even shorter and wearing his blazers to school.
I had not changed at all, and this infuriated him but he never said anything. He knew I could go on without him at moments notice so he walked carefully keeping the same pace as me. No matter how hard I tried I could not be him, his demands were unbearable to meet. Since he and I both came to the understanding that he would never change me he backed off. Things between Adam and I were “almost perfect” once again.
It was the month of May when I left the house to go with Adam one Saturday morning. He was in an awful mood because his father refused to buy him the new car he wanted. I lit a cigarette in his car; he took it out of my hand and threw it out the window.
“Can I get something to eat? I‘m really hungry” I truly didn’t understand why he had to involve me this morning. His mother traveled all the time. He was wanting to surprise her with the house cleaned and decorated but, why was this time different than any other? “We don’t have enough time.” “I’m hungry. You dragged me along today the least you can do is feed me.” “You don’t need it. Trust me.” “What do you mean by that?” He said nothing but gripped the steering wheel tighter doing his best to keep his self control. But, I’m not dropping this. “What am I supposed to do beg for food?” “Don’t start with me today. I said no because we’re late. Maybe if you would of gotten up on time like I asked you to instead of sleeping in making me wake you up, waiting for you to get out of the shower and then waiting for you to decide what to wear we could have stopped but now there’s no time. Quit asking me.”
Is he my dad? Am I his dog and he my owner? I was only asking because I was starving and he wanted me to decorate the house for his mother’s homecoming.
I knew I was balancing on a thin line I decided to stop. He might expect an apology now. He always did.
“Oh, forget it.“ He jerked the car across three lanes of traffic and pulled into a McDonalds close by his house. I walked behind him in the restaurant. The thought came to me that I walked behind him because that is where he thought I belonged. I was not an equal to walk next to him.
There was a long line in front of us. Everyone had stopped there that morning. Not my fault but he would find a way to make it mine. He kept checking his watch. The line had not moved fast enough and I was standing behind a young couple and their small child.
“Fuck will you people hurry up?” Adam screamed. All was quiet. Every eye was staring at me now. The mother of the young child covered her daughter’s ears. I could feel heat on my face. Was it not enough to display his horrible behavior to me that he now has to make the rest of the world suffer?
With my head down avoiding everyone’s glares I walked out. I got in his car and closed the passenger door. Adam followed me and sat there for a second. Waiting to start the ignition. “You’re putting too much weight on anyway. I’m sorry. I didn‘t want to tell you.” He raised his hand to touch my face as a gesture to apologize. I threw his hand away. “Don’t touch me.” He laughed. “Come on, I don’t want to fight with you today.” He continued laughing showing his all American boy smile but that smile that I once loved was a deception. Adam was a true wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I don’t know what came over me. My right hand tightened in a fist. My eyes squinted, the heat from my face was scorching. My vision blurred and turned a bright shade of red.
I hit him. I hit him in his face as hard as I could. I expected to hurt him but he shook his head as if a fly had touched his nose. He laughed. Then something else came over his face. He was calm, beautiful and sinister. “You want to fight then, let’s fight.” He pulled away from the restaurant nearly hitting a car that was pulling in the parking lot.
He was racing through the parking lot of the shopping center weaving around parked cars, and driving across lines. “Slow down, Adam.” Adam was no longer present. My Hyde is paying me a visit today. Adam would not look at me nor was he looking at where he was going. He was speeding now. I looked over at the speedometer; he was going 60 through the parking lot. I tried to grab the wheel and he pushed my face against the passenger side window. My face bounced off of the glass. I cowered away from him, moving my body far from his reach. “Do you want to die?” The serene calm came over his face once again as he asked the one and only question that I refused to answer for he was no longer in the right mindset to reason with. His eyes were glued to my horror stricken face. I didn’t want to die, no, not like this. “Fucking slow down, psycho.”
Then, just as I looked away from his eyes I saw the car. The red sedan came barreling, screeching their tires and fishtailing toward us. He made no attempt to avoid the collision. He wanted to kill me and what better way is there to get away with my death than to make it look like an accident?
People say that accidents happen in slow motion but this came on too fast and I knew that my face smashing into the windshield was unavoidable. I clinched my teeth and closed my eyes waiting for the painful impact. The sharp pain that I anticipated never came.
When I awoke I couldn‘t remember hitting the windshield like I expected to. I was in the floor board. The wreck produced a gaping bleeding hole on my left knee and I had blood spilling into my right eye. I put my t-shit up to my face and wiped the blood away. Adams’ door was open but he was no longer in the driver‘s seat. I stumbled out on to the pavement. I walked around to the front of his car to see, I couldn’t believe it. I should have gone through the windshield. I should be dead. The windshield did not break but it now sported a dent where my face hit it. Spider leg like cracks in the glass spread from the passenger side all the way over to the driver side. The entire front of the car was crushed in. Adam hit the other car exactly head on.
I started to walk away not knowing where I was going. I turned back to see him helping a lady and her young son. The little boy’s nose was bleeding and the lady was holding her son close to her.
I kept walking away. The faster I got away the less likely he could finish his job today. I stumbled over a parking curb and fell face down into the pavement. This is all I remember. Darkness spread across my eyes and I slipped away.
I was strapped down I could not move my legs or my neck. A paramedic stood over me pulling my eyes down and shining light into them. I wasn‘t sure if I could speak but I had to try. “I want to go home.” “Sure darling but let’s get you to the hospital first.”
I familiar hand touched my fingers. I couldn’t see him but I knew he was there. The fear returned. “Help me, please.” A puzzled look swept across the young paramedic. “Are you in pain?” “He’s going to kill me.” His face turned away from me to stare at the unseen Adam. “She hit her head really hard. Is she going to be okay?” The paramedics eyes turned back to me. “Please, believe me. Help me.” “Miss, can you tell me what happened?” Adam’s hand wrapped tighter, crushing my fingers sending pain up to my arm. This was his warning for me to stop. I pursed my lips. “My head just hurts.” I tried to play it off, that would be the best for right now. The squeezing on my fingers gradually slowed and he removed his hand. “You’ll be okay, miss. We’re almost there.”
My mother was called and was at the hospital when I got there but she only glanced at me once before escorting Adam out the exit door. I was left in the cold room alone and exposed. The thought of Adam once again sent me into hysterics. My heart started to race and a million thoughts ran through my mind. What is Mr. Hyde really capable of?
I was x-rayed and learned that I had a major head concussion but nothing that wouldn’t heal. No permanent scars would ever appear on my face the doctor said. My left knee was a different story, it took thirteen stitches to close the gap. They could give nothing for the pain for fear that it would make me drowsy and I would not be allowed to sleep for awhile. The doctor kept telling me how lucky I was to be alive. I kept thinking that it wouldn‘t be long before I wasn‘t if Adam had his way.
Adam rode with my mother and I back to my house. He was talking, pacing back and forth on the phone in my bedroom; he made no point to look at me. I listened to his conversation. “Will the insurance cover it all? I told you it’s totaled, I know it is.” Was he even sorry? There was no remorse in his voice. The Adam that I knew was a façade, he’s been Mr. Hyde the whole time I’ve known him. I know this now. Was he still intent on killing me? He and I sat in silence staring at the television and when I finally drifted into unconsciousness a play by play nightmare of the day chased me.
A small knock at my bedroom door woke me. When I fell asleep the sun was still up and the sun is still up now shining through my curtain in my only window in the room. I couldn’t help feeling that it seems like I have been asleep for days. I was clumsily searching for the door knob.
A form of worried faces appeared in the hallway. Katie, Erica, Tracy Ozzy and Danny walked slowly through the door. Tracy was the first to speak. “I thought you were dead?“ “Not yet.“ “Your mom called me. She told me what happened.” Katie spoke as she escorted me back to the bed. My eyes searched hers. I know she didn’t know the whole story. It wouldn’t take long for her to catch on. Since the night Adam showed his dark side Katie became his worst enemy.
Everyone moved around looking for a place to sit next to me. As much as I hated the attention I didn’t want them to leave. Daniel brushed my hair away to look down at my face. He closed his eyes and stood up. I grabbed on to his arm. “What is it? What’s wrong?” Daniel wouldn’t look at me, he folded his arms to his chest and stared at Ozzy.
Erica glared at Daniel ready to pounce. “He’s just being stupid. You‘re okay.” I knew it was bad but how bad I didn’t know, I still hadn’t looked in a mirror.
The small pack of River Boys shuffled in place and stared at their feet afraid to look at me. “We’re glad you’re okay. Get some rest.” Katie kissed my cheek and rushed out the room with Erica and the boys following behind her. “Bye, guys.” No one spoke back to me, the sound of the door closing behind them was their only verbal fair well.
I drifted back to sleep watching golden rays dancing against the walls of my silent and still room.
I felt a hand touch my back. I opened my eyes but could see no one in the dark room. It was hard to move and fear paralyzed me. I can’t defend myself. I have no more fight left.
“Who is that?” “Hey, girl. It‘s just me” I heard the sickly sweet and melancholy voice of Nichole coming from behind me. “Can I turn the light on? Will it hurt your eyes?” “No, turn the light on.” The light came on and brought my little room back to life. I could no longer see out of my right eye, shut tight and piercing with pain. Nichole came around my bed to lay down on my pillow her face next to mine.
“Damn, does that hurt?” She laughed but not at me she was wanting to make me feel better but she was failing miserably. “Yeah, it hurts. I got to pee really bad.” She laughed. “Do you need some help then?” “Isn’t that why you’re here?” “Come on. You don’t have anything I don’t.” She pulled me up as best as she could. Nichole was smaller than me and was limited on her strength.
My feet found the floor but when I walked stabbing needles ran up and down my legs and back. I sat on the toilet staring at her. “Are you going to pee?” “I’m trying. Quit staring at me. It’s freaking me out.” She laughed throwing her blonde curls behind her back. “Did my mom call you?” She got quiet and folded her hands in her lap. “No…. Erica called me.” I was confused. Erica hated Nichole. “Erica called you?” “Yup, she said that I needed to talk to you.” “Really.” I was still dumbfounded. There was no way that Erica and Nichole would ever settle their differences. “Renee, what the hell is going on. I want to hear it from you not the Yankee.” “Can you not call her that?” Nichole found a place on the counter to sit.
“So, what’s going on?” “Truth?” “Nothing but.” “Adam hits me.” I was shocked the words fell out of my mouth. I was terrified of my honesty. I have never been a victim and it was strange to admit that I was.
“Are you going to stop seeing him?” “Of course.” “Good. Then there was no need for Erica to beg me to persuade you.” “She wanted you to persuade me?” “Yeah, she said that he would kill you if we didn’t step in.” The use of the word we gave me knowledge of a temporary truce on my behalf. “Tell her that I said there’s no need for an intervention, it’s not necessary. I made up my mind.” “Good, I’ll tell her you said that.” She turned away focusing on the counter top.
“Are you done, yet?” Nichole gestured for me to rise up off of the toilet. “Yeah, I’m done.” “Come on hop-a-long.” “Funny.”
I grimaced as I walked past the bathroom mirror. I stopped, paused and reached my hand up to my face.
I will never forget the face of that stupid girl. Yeah, she looked allot like me; we had the same long red hair and petite body frame but that can’t be me.
The right side of my forehead was bubbled up into a goose egg. My right eye was swollen shut. I had dried blood caked to my face. Black eyes appeared under both of my eyes. My whole face was a pale shade of purple.
“Hey, come on. Don’t look at it.” It? The use of the word “It” was too appropriate.
I pulled the covers up over my face. Nichole turned the lights off and laid down beside me.
“How’s my cousin?” “I wouldn’t know.” “I’m sorry?” “It was my decision.” “What happened?” Nichole gave her best condescending laugh. “He’s not going anywhere in life, I am. It’s as simple as that.”
Poor Kenney. I knew he loved her. Nichole is easy to love but she can turn on you just as a venomous snake would; you never see it coming. “Go back to sleep.” “Okay.”
Adam never came to see me and I hoped that his absent presence was more than just because of a lack of transportation. I wanted him to let go, let go for good. I wanted him to disappear.
When I returned to school everyone looked the other way. The few friends that I did have at that school ignored me. What had I done? I had become a terrible statistic. Everyone saw exactly what I was, I was transparent now and the whole world could see right through me.
I am the only one to blame and no one else. I had to know that it would come to this. I should have ended my relationship with him more than once. Should of, would of, could of? I kept giving in to him, I let him pop back in to my life over and over again. Never again and I mean it this time. The bridge is burned down to a cinder; there is no way that Adam and I will ever cross paths again.

Lunch time resembles funeral recessions, it’s funny. I sat alone at a round table in the back clinging to a copy of Fahrenheit 451, not my first choice of literature. It was a mandatory read, the last assignment of the year for English I. There was no active role that I had to play to be unnoticed, it came natural these days. It has been two weeks, and Adam is a ghost. If I try hard enough I can pretend that he was just part of my horrible overactive imagination. If only it were that easy?
“I need to talk to you.” He sat down across from me his hands firmly grasped the end of the table. “No.” I got up from the table and threw my trash away but he followed me. His hand felt slimy as it brushed against my arm.
I jerked away. “You got allot of nerve.” “I know, I’m sorry.” “You’re sorry? Yeah, you’re sorry.” “Give me one minute and then I will go away forever.” “NO!”
I raised my voice louder than I intended to and the attention of the cafeteria was now focused on me. “Just one minute.” “No.”
A teacher walked over to remove him, he pushed her away. He stared me down like the preying mantis that he was. Mr. Hyde was just below the surface and I could see the black returning to his eyes. I was nervous but I laughed. He scares me, yes….but he will never break me.
He started to shake, his fists and his teeth clenched. The principal came over and grabbed him by his shirt. I ran back to my seat grabbed my things and ran out the front door, into my car and drove home.
I told my mother everything. Better late than never. The abuse, the wreck and what has really been happening. She was astonished. “Why didn’t you tell me?” “I thought I could handle it.” I really had thought I could handle it, I can handle the past and the present but it’s the future, the unknown that stops me dead in my tracks.
I pressed my eyes closed and shrank into my bed throwing my blanket over me as a protective cocoon. I was so tired and my body still ached from the car wreck.
Mom came in my room to check on me. “Your dad and I are going to the movies, do you want go with us?” “No, I just want to sleep.” “Come on, go with us.” “No.”
I closed my eyes but I was unable to sleep. Instead I listened for my parents leaving the house.
I got up and drew a bath. I laid there soaking in the tub, washing my face.
There was a loud bang in my bedroom. Something had fallen; the cat was always knocking my porcelain dolls off my shelf. “Dumb cat.”
I turned on the shower and stood there letting the water roll off of my bruised body. It stung a little but I had to wash the cuts.
I wrapped my hair in a towel and put on my bath robe. I walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. I took some aspirin from the cabinet and drink some cold tea from the refrigerator. I closed the door and started back for my bedroom.
When I turned around I saw Adam standing in the dining room next to the table. I jumped and stepped back.
“Sh, I just want to talk to you, Renee. Then I will leave I promise.” “No, I don’t want to talk. Fucking leave, get out of my house, you psycho.”
He stepped forward, closer and closer. I kept moving back until I could no longer go anywhere. I was backed into the kitchen sink.
He crept closer as a vampire would approach their next meal. He pulled the towel off of my head and threw it to the ground. He inched closer and my deranged lover breathed me in. I pushed him away. His face shown a new look….disappointment. “Don’t push me, please.” “You tried to kill me, you’re fucking crazy.”
I was weeping now and searching for anything to hit him with. My mother left the skillet on the stove. I slid closer to the stove, keeping my eyes to Adam but my hands inching for the handle on the skillet. “Are you going to hit me with that?”
I picked it up and screamed as I threw it forward aiming for his face. The skillet didn’t travel far and landed with a thud into the lower kitchen cabinet. I ran from him, out of the kitchen and into the living room. My intent was to run out the front door and into oncoming traffic.
He grabbed me by my waist from behind and pulled me down to the floor. He was putting his knees into my back and I screamed from the pain. He was pushing into my cuts and bruises. I felt like I was going to throw up. He turned me over and I hit him with my hands over and over in his face. He was laughing and pushing my hands away and down to my side.
I stopped to breathe and to think. I have to try something else. “Adam, you’re hurting me, let me go. I‘ll talk to you, I promise. This really hurts. Let me go.” “That’s not pain that you’re feeling, not yet.”
He sat on his knees on my stomach ramming all of his weight into my abdomen, and restraining my arms down to my side. “Please, Adam, let me go.” This isn’t really happening to me, I thought. I’m not here, I’m somewhere else.
I turned my face away and cried into the rug on the floor. I only thought that maybe my mom would walk in and save me. Someone would hear me and call the police but I knew as well as Adam did that no one was coming.
His hands moved to the zipper of his pants and with the sound of his pants coming down I screamed louder. “No, no, no. Please, no. I‘ll be good. I‘m sorry.“ He smiled showing his perfect white set of teeth. He shifted his body weight and now rested his knees into my arms.
He freed my legs by moving, I started to kick him in his back with my knees. Anything to get up, to be set free. It was no use, I couldn’t hurt him and defying him made him more angry.
He raised his fist and hit me once. I felt the taste of warm iron as it formed in my mouth and down my throat. I was gagging and spitting the blood out as fast as I could. I was ready to stop fighting him, I wouldn‘t win.
He banged my head against the floor over and over until he was satisfied with my cooperation.
I turned my face to the ceiling, I watched the spots on the walls; I wanted to leave my body.
He forced himself inside me, every time he did so; he screamed at me that it was my fault.
I didn’t cry, I didn’t resist , I just wanted to live.
I think about being somewhere else. I thought about being in Prague standing on Charles Bridge at dusk. I wanted to be anywhere else but there, anywhere but in my house being raped by Adam.
When he was done, he shoved me into the wall. I lay still until I could heard him leave.
I put my hand to the wall leaving my red handprint as evidence. I have to clean this.
I crawled on my hands and knees to the bathroom leaving a trail behind me. My robe was stained and torn; I threw it off and got back in the shower. I sit there for a long while. Not crying, not hurting, but just sitting quietly. I cleaned my face and my hands and everywhere else. I put on some sweats and a shirt. I scrubbed the carpet with peroxide and cold water. I wiped the wall down with bleach. I vacuumed and went into my bedroom. I had to talk to someone. I called Katie but there was no answer. I called Erica but she was at work. I called Nichole but got her voice mail. I called Daniel, when he answered I lost the capacity to speak. I listened to his repetitive “hello, hello”, I hung up.
I reached over and pulled the phone out of the wall. I needed and wanted my mom at that moment. No one else.
Mom and dad came home from the movies around 9:30. I approached her more than once that night. I wanted to say it. I wanted to scream it out loud, “Adam raped me.” The words never escaped my mouth not only not to her but to anyone. Adam had made me a prisoner of silence. Well, I guess not anymore.
I finished the rest of the year. Even managing the honor roll and an award for, “Most Outstanding Student in English.” Just as I had hoped and prayed for; Adam never reappeared. The last time I saw Adam was the day before the last day of school. He sat in his new car, an old Dodge Charger but like always in pristine order. the wolf had new clothing. I climbed into my old white and rusty Mustang and never looked back. He didn’t break me, I’m still alive. I am not Adam’s victim but his survivor and that is the sweetest revenge I could ever ask for.
Adam had changed the way I perceived love. I thank him for that. Thank you, Adam.
Adam crushed any part of me that was naïve. The only downside was taking every casual glance from the opposite sex the wrong way.
My innocence was gone but something else was gained. I was no longer the same person, a new Renee stands strong just like a tree in a hurricane. I’m not going anywhere. If I lived through this, I can live through anything my roots grow deeper than before.

Hello, Darkness my old friend

2009-01-14T19:38:00.000-08:00

Into the darkness into the murky water below.

I feel as if I am drowning. I have lost my identity.

I have exchanged my stilettos for warm pajamas and late night television.

Please, will some one save me. I beg you.

~ Stacy

I am....

2008-09-20T15:49:00.001-07:00

back in Cali...

Wish me luck.

Life is...

2008-09-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

Life is what you make it.

I've made my bed so I lie in it.

I am still me.

No one can change or break me.

I rely only on my Lord to make me new again.

Love ~ Stacy

FACEBOOK

2008-02-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

Look at my Baby!

2008-02-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Check out Lauren with BIG BOY! This was taken in NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA!

She is so GOSH DARN CUTE!!

I love to laugh!

2008-02-07T19:12:00.000-08:00

Hey, check this out. Have you seen this yet?

Are you trying to find me?

2008-02-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

Please, if anyone needs to reach me you may call me anytime after 9:00 PM Central Standard Time at this number.

(817)966-8755

Much love ~ God Bless ~ Stacy (Mrs. Potter)

Another year, another year, what's the point?

2007-12-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

So, what is the point? Why do I even bother?

I hate California, I hate my in-laws, I hate my new job, I hate myself.

One day, I sware to God, I will snap, I will snap and I will lose it.

Happy Birthday to me...

Best of luck to you.

Mrs. Potter

Hello boys and girls

2007-11-01T09:31:00.001-07:00

This will be my last entry for a long time. I am leaving for California in the morning. Yea, I know you will miss me, I will miss me too.
To tell you the truth it has been a really long year and I am just ready for it to be over with. I have made allot of regrets this year but I have come out a stronger and more dedicated person for it. Do you believe me? Well, I really don’t care if you do or not. You see this is my new thing. I don’t care what you think anymore, none of you. However, I do care about you but it is not the same as caring what you think. So, that is it. Sleep well.

Best wishes and regards.

XOXO Mrs. Potter

Here is some of my edited work.

2007-08-24T13:57:00.001-07:00

Section of Chapter 2
Memoirs of an American Girl
S. Preston

My mother believes in keeping herself distant. She never had any stories about her childhood. I never met her parents; they had both died at an early age. She had mentioned this fact to me only once and how the two of them had met their demise at the bottom of a bottle. Therefore, I never truly understood her or what had happened in her life. To this day I still don't know who my mother is. But, it was on one night that I lashed out at her that I discovered a few of her secrets. We had vacated out of the car a couple of weeks after we lost a place to live. My dad had found work in a really bad part of Dallas, he was doing maintenance work at all hours of the night in an apartment complex. The only bonus to all of his efforts was a free apartment to live in. It was a small one bedroom, roach infested apartment and the three of us shared the tight quarters together, our pallets even lined up together in the only bedroom. Even though it was much bigger than the Delta 88, I still found myself stifled. I wanted out; I had taken enough of it. I had no bed, no radio, no television and no phone. I had no possessions for myself, I had no way to escape my reality, and the harsh truth was that I was poor, trash left over to be discarded. The children at my school had noticed this and never once failed to remind me. At one point in my life I had everything that I needed.

It was my dad's recreational life that put us here. So, why am I being punished for his mistakes? That's when I told my mother that I hated her, that she was an awful human being for letting me grow up in such a filthy and degrading way, and in my mind she was no better than my father. I wished that she would just leave, die or let me live with my grandmother. Her eyes were not wet from tears when she came at me from around the kitchen counter, I inched away from her but she came at me full speed with the intensity of Gail force winds. The pan that she had been washing at the sink fell with a loud ting on the floor at the same time my mother's hand hit me with a scorpion sting. The noise echoed in my ear and made me tighten my eyes and hold my face in my hands. Mother grabbed me by my throat and slammed me down on the bare naked floor. She sat on top of me, digging her knees into my chest and pushing all the air out of my lungs. All that I could see were her eyes, the black soul abandoned eyes, peering out at me. The smell of decaying teeth and nicotine oozing from her open mouth forced me to want to turn away from her but she had her grip on me. There was no way I could turn loose; not now. For the first time in my life I was really afraid of her I had never made her angry before, I wasn't sure what she was going to do to me, it was this moment and this moment only that mother reminded me of my older sister Katarina and all the torture I had endured from her over the years. I wanted to spit in her face, I wanted to hurt her. She spoke slowly but never loosening her shaking hands wrapped tightly like a snake around my throat. "You listen to me and you listen good. I didn't have a mama and daddy, they didn't want me, and all they cared about was booze. I couldn't even fall asleep in my bed at night afraid that some drunk man was going to rape me as soon as I fell asleep. I was on my own by the time I was your age. No one gave a fuck about me." She banged my head down on the floor and rose to stand above me, looking down at me as a predator would fixate on its prey, she had won this one and she was mocking my loss of merit. I felt my head start to swim and the lights blurring in my eyes as I tried to stand. I began moving toward the bathroom, my only sanctuary. "You should count your blessings little girl because I do care about you, I will be damned if I will let you go and live with that grandmother of yours. You be thankful for what you have." She is still yelling at me as I stumbled to the door. I fell down upon my knees and crawled in the bathtub. As I climb in I eye the rusty razor perched on top of the white Ivory soap. It was the soap that I was eyeing more than the razor. Soap can clean even the most contaminated of bodies, and how awkward it looked compared to the dirty, dingy tub. I wanted to tell mother that it didn't matter anymore, I was no longer effected by her guilt trips and that I could care less about her. This was about me. ME GODDAMMIT, NOT HER! I had thoughts of drifting down in the tub and never returning. Death had to be better than this. Then again I could pretend like I was Peter Pan, if I slash my wrists right here and right now I could leave to exist in my own fantasy world, I would never grow up, and I would be away from here forever, except my never land wouldn't be anything like Peter's it would be closer to purgatory because if mother taught me anything she taught me that killing myself was a mortal sin. Are we all doomed? How do you feel with the knowledge that we really are a product of our parents? God, would I have the same limitations, the same experiences when I reach adulthood? Is this really what being an adult is all about? I can't say I blame mother for lashing out at me. I felt bad but maybe this is what she wants me to feel, if this is the case than I refuse to feel anything anymore.

If Only

2007-08-13T13:24:00.001-07:00

If only I could learn to move mountains with words

I would write a story to sway every ones love for me

I could seek truth and denounce lies

I may even stop death with only a sentence murmured

Wishing for more than what we are is pointless

Destiny and fate is determined to play their parts

Unchanged by lovers, foes and fiends alike

Restlessness in doubt and shame

Time consumes me, they all betray me, death takes me

No more

It's been a long time.

2007-07-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't wrote much lately. I am sorry. I have been really down and I don't know why. I should be happy. I am starting school, I am spending more time with family, work is okay. So, what's the problem? .....I don't know. I just don't know.

So, I am sorry if I do not write when I should or call when I should. I'm sorry if I ever hurt anyone because that is not my intention.

Have a great week.

~Stacy

HAIR

2007-07-02T16:59:00.000-07:00

Lauren and I got our hair cut today! Lauren now has purple highlights. It's a clip on, chill.

I am really happy that I found someone I can now trust to do mine and Lauren's hair.

So, Lauren and I wanted to go to NRH20 today but surprise, surprise it was raining today.

Will the rain ever end? I have to have hope that it will. Otherwise, no swimming this year. :(

Later. I will try to write more later.

~Me XOXOXOXO

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF.....

2007-06-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

1) The President of the United States called you?

I would ask him if his mama dropped him on his head, I then would ask him for a ride in Air Force One! However, I do not wish to be a part of the Mile High Club, oh wait, wrong president.

2) You won the lottery?

I would spend a whole lot of money, what do you think I would do?

3) You got invited to be on a reality TV show?

I wish I could say that I am above all that but the truth is everyone wants their 15 minutes, right? I would go for sure.

4) You caught a friend stealing from you?

That's a hard one. It's never happened to me, I hope it never does but I guess if I caught someone stealing from me I would no longer want to be friends with them.

5) You witnessed a murder?

If my family's life and my life was not in danger I would tell the police.

6) A random stranger offered you candy?

How random of a stranger and what kind of candy?

7) MySpace and Facebook closed?

I would be really sad but I would live.

8) A genie granted you one wish?

I want a million wishes.

9) You lost your favorite possession?

My computer is my favorite possession and I would slowly die a painful horrific death.

10) You found 10 dollars on the ground?

Is anyone watching? I put the 10 dollars in my pocket and go buy a six pack of Red Stripe.

11) Your date throws up on you?

Yuck, I would go home and never go out with them again.

12) Someone cut off a chunk of your hair?

I would slap them and then cut their head off.

13) Your favorite celebrity comes to visit you?

Is Chris home? LOL! I would love to meet Alan Rickman and hang out all night with him. No, I am not thinking of anything dirty. Jeez!

14) You were stranded on an island with nothing but the ability to make one phone call?

I would call my boss to let him know that I am not coming back to work. :)

Guess what? It rained again today.

2007-06-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

Lauren is taking a ride on the slide!

WATCH OUT BELOW!

She is TOO cute.

She takes after me. :)
This is her swim pose. "Strike a pose."

Well, Lauren and I went to the dentist office today. I am not happy with myself. I have NEVER had a cavity until now, in my late 20's. :( :( :( :(

So, I have to get it fixed. Lauren has one. "BAD GIRL", I told her. But, she said to me, "You have one too." I left it alone. We were in the dentist's office for crying out loud.

We also had an eye appointment today but when I got there my doctor was in another state. So...I have to go back tomorrow at lunch and finish up the eye appointment.

I did not go back in to work today. I took a personal day. :)

Lauren and I spent the rest of the day hanging out at NRH20 until we got rained out. :( :( :(

I have had a really bad day.

To top it all off my stomach hurts. I just want to go to bed.

I will write more soon.

Good Night.

Well, it is raining again.

2007-06-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

So, I went to the school today and was able to enroll. However, I have to take an ACCUPLACER test because it has been so long since I have been in school. It kind of sucks because I freaking hate MATH.

My friend Chris is going to help me cram for the test. I hope I do okay.

I don't think that I will have a problem with reading or writing. However, i want to brush up on it just in case. It never hurts to be over prepared.

So, I am about to hit the books. I just wanted to write a few lines before I got off of the computer.

Lauren and I were not able to go to NRH20 today and she is really bummed out about it. I took her and bought her an ice cream cone so I think that helped a little. :)

Good night.

It's 3:00 in the morning

2007-06-25T00:43:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am and once again and I am eluding sleep. I hate to go to sleep but once I am asleep I don't want to wake up. Is that crazy?

So, my friend Chris joined Blogger today, or was it yesterday? It is so cool to see my best friend on here.

I got some really bad news today. My cousin's grandmother passed away. Normally because she is so removed from my side of the family your thinking I shouldn't be upset but I had spent many summer days with her and she bailed my ass out of trouble on one occasion and I don't think I ever told her thank you. So, it is very sad. The funeral is tomorrow but I have decided not to go because I really don't get along with that side of the family and the last thing that I want to do is cause a scene. So, I am going to take Lauren swimming and try not to get another sunburn. We'll see.

So, that is it for now. I am going to listen to some music and write a few more pages in the book before going to bed.

Love you. Good night.

JOHN MAYER CONCERT

2007-06-24T02:34:00.000-07:00

Friday night was amazing. Chris M. had gotten some great seats to a Ben Folds/ John Mayer concert and had invited me to go with him. Wow, we were so close to the stage that I could read the brand of piano that Ben Folds was playing. Seriously, there was no need for binoculars. :)

I had a fantastic night with my best friend and I got to hang out with him after the show and talk to his mom whom I love very much.

I had no idea that John Mayer was such a great musician. I have never bought any of his albums and the only thing that I have heard is what the radio stations play. It was a nice surprise to hear some Stevie Ray Vaughn and some Ray Charles licks from his guitar. It was a nice surprise to see that not all of main stream is talentless. It is rare indeed to find talent these days with all the Paris Hilton's and Britney Spears but John Mayer is a true gem!

If you have not given John Mayer a listen please do so. You are in for a rare treat.

On a more deeper level.... I am going to the college Monday. I have been awarded $3,000 for this school year and that means that I CAN go to school.

I am 27 years old and I am going to college for the first time. I am scared as hell of what will happen to me but not as scared of what people may think. Then again I hear that more and more people are continuing their education later in life. I may even meet people the same age as me going to school for the same thing? I can only hope for such a fate..

Good night.

~ Stacy

Depression

2007-06-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

God, I have this feeling of doom hanging around. I can't shake it, it won't leave me.

I am scrubbing toilets tonight and putting laundry up. It seems that you could say that life itself is a series of chores.

Trying to get through the day is becoming harder and harder. I am increasingly paranoid but the truth is it may not be paranoia after all. Chris and my mom feel the same way I do. All three of us believe that changes are coming within the corporation and that the new changes will be more bad than good. I know what you are going to say, "corporations are all about change, live with it." Yeah, yeah, yeah but you really don't understand. I truly want to be a good employee but when you feel that your job is threatened at every moment and that the truth is that I really am expendable. Shit.

There are people in this world that will do their best to break you if for any other reason than to know that they can. I want away from this. I want to be free from politics and scrutiny.

All I really want to do is be a teacher and make a difference in this world. If I must deal with this shit for four more years than I will. It "MUST" be worth it, I have to believe that it will be worth it.

That is it.

Bye! Night.

FANTASTIC STRANGE DAY!

2007-06-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

Wow, I had a really good day today. It was nice to be able to say to myself at the end of the day that I am proud and happy of my work. It has been so long since I have been able to say that.

First, I was not only on time but 10 minutes early. I had enough time to sit and meditate before walking in to my disaster office.

Second, everything that I did today was not only right but exceptional! If I helped a colleague they said thank you a million times and was so happy that I was able to help them with their problem.

I had a customer come in the office and when they left invited me to a Bar B Q at their house. :) They didn't even know me until today.

I helped a client in North Carolina that is transferring here to North Richland Hills for the company Bell Helicopter. This man was so stressed and upset and after our lengthy conversation he wrote me an Email to say that, "If everyone has your personality and your professionalism in North Richland Hills, I can't wait to get there!"

I was so ecstatic to read that! I immediately sent it to my boss to say, "This is why I love my job!"

He did not reply back but was quick to point out that I had forgotten something on an open items list.

:( It bummed me out but I know in my mind that I am doing a good job and "REALLY" trying to do a good job too. I know that I have my company's best interest in mind and I really care about customers and my colleagues as well.

Nothing could bring me down today.

And to top it all off my Best Friend Chris called me tonight. We had a beautiful conversation about nostalgia, music, literature, friendship, relationships, MORE MUSIC! :)

Chris has gotten tickets to see John Mayer and Ben Folds Five. The tickets that he has are very close to the stage!! He has invited me to go with him on Friday and we are going to hang out after the show! My friend kicks ass!! Thank you, Chris.

Good night, Children. Sleep well and let nothing come between you and what you are supposed to be!

~ Stacy

Blah, Blah, Blah.

2007-06-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

Today was really long. I woke up later than I wanted to and then it seemed like the whole day I was playing catch up. Nothing that I did today went right. Just to let you know I am about to take a baseball bat to that FUCKING fax machine.

I have become paranoid that my boss wants to fire me. Maybe I have good reason to think that? Maybe I need a vacation?

My chest and back hurt so bad that I wish I could tear my skin off. Just by walking outside in the heat this afternoon causes my skin to burn and I wasn't even directly in sun light. Chris put burn ointment on me, it helped a little but not enough.

I looked for clothes on line for Lauren today. I was hoping to find some good deals which I did for her clothes but Lauren persists on $50.00 shoes from Sketchers. I try to tell her that shoes are shoes and it doesn't matter but then I remember being a kid and wanting what every one else had just so I would fit in. So, I guess I am going to get her the Sketchers that light up.

New shirt from Macy's $35.00
New Backpack from Fast Forward $109.99
"New" torn faded jeans from Journeys $75.00
Sketchers sneakers that light up $50.00

Making sure that your kid has no reason to to say to her therapist that you never bought her what she wanted for back to school.... PRICELESS!

For everything else there is MAJOR DEBT CARD.

:)

Sorry, I just needed to say that.

My little kitten is getting so much bigger. She is now roughly three months old and she has added so much to the house. She loves to play and just watch the world around her. It's almost like having a kid in the house because you are able to watch her see things for the first time.

Today I was taking a bath after work and she jumped up on the tub to watch me. At first I was thinking she was a perv but then she started splashing at the water and then trying to slap at my hand as I went to pet her. I scared her so bad that she fell backward and went falling to the ground. I almost laughed but then I thought that may be a little mean.

Well, once again my mother called me to say that my "CRAZY" sister called. She claims that she wants her children back? WTF? Okay, she has the first child when she is 17, she meets someone else and has another kid by 19. She leaves those two kids and then goes on to someone else. She then has three kids with someone else and she splits. She recently had an abortion earlier this year. That would have been child # 6. What the hell is she thinking? There are some women that should be FUCKING sterilized and she happens to be one of them. If I have my way I will never see that whore again.

Mothers are strange things. I can read my mother very well. I also know that my mother has favorites. She pretends that she doesn't but she does. Just today I told mom about how I finished registering for school and that I have a four year plan yadda, yadda, yadda and my mother beams with pride about how my sister has a basement in her house. She asks me, don't you think that's neat? I could win the Pulitzer prize and my sister could win two dollars off a scratch off and guess what she would talk about? Am I jealous? Yeah, I guess I am a little jealous? Nothing is ever good enough.

God, I want to get out of this bad mood. I want to stop being negative.

So, I guess that is it for tonight. I feel really lonely because no one has sent me any comments on my blogs. Maybe I will stay lonely out here in Web world?

Good night. Sweet Dreams.

I am SUNBURNED...

2007-06-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

...I hurt really bad. I thought I could handle the HOT TEXAS SUN. I was wrong. :)

Lauren had fun today. She made me feel like the worst mom ever but that's okay.

Lauren and I were swimming in something called the "Endless River". Lauren had taken off her life jacket and wanted to try "swimming for real" as she said. I kept my arms around her but it didn't matter because it is only three feet deep and Lauren is almost four feet tall. So, not a problem, right?

Well, there was a dip and a fast current and she slipped and went under. But, it was okay because two seconds later I was lifting her up out of the water and putting her on my hip. But that didn't help because she made a scene screaming that she had drowned. People were staring at me thinking that they would like two minutes alone with me.

I am not a bad mom I wanted to protest. I was only trying to teach her how to swim the only way that I know how. That is by being next to her and guiding her.

So what if my technique is not the same as everyone else's. I still love my kid.

So, I am sunburned, my head hurts and Chris is snoring. :) I am in for a fun night.

It is now 1:00 AM and I am not tired because I fell asleep when I got home.

I am wondering... could I be the only person out there that feels sometimes inadequate as a parent? Should I even be allowed to have a kid? Honestly, sometimes I think she deserves better. But, I don't think anyone could love her as much as me.

Have a great sleep and beautiful dreams.

Your Friend ~ Mrs. Potter ~ Stacy

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

2007-06-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

MY DAD RUDY & MY DAUGHTER LAUREN

It is Fathers day today. I got a chance to spend time with my own father today. :) We had a nice big dinner (Southern Dinner) and then father fell asleep in his recliner and snored through all of Ghost Rider, which is fine with me I wasn't that impressed with the damn movie to begin with.

I started to think of my own role as a parent and how we are no longer "just" ourselves when we assume the responsibility of another human being. This is not the case with everyone unfortunately. But, for the good parents out there it is often said that their heart grew bigger the day that their children were born.

Now, my own father had personal struggles along the way but no one is perfect. Dad got it right in the end and that is all that matters.

On a sad note. I have a friend whom I have never met personally. She lost her father earlier in the year. This was her first year without her dad. My heart goes out to her today. My friend knew what she had before she lost him. She painfully watched him die and sat by his side. Most of the time though we never know what we have until it is too late.

I am glad that even though my own dad and I had a rocky start we have grown to love and appreciate one another. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have my dad.

I hope your day was special and you were able to spend it with the man that you love.

Much Love to you.